Voice Blogs

OK, I know that I haven't blogged in awhile, so here are some voice blogs that I did today. The first two were kinda planned, although they went a little longer than originally planned.

Then, there were a couple other things that I had the urge to blog about....

Here they all are.

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Yeah, it's a lot to listen to, if you're so inclined, but... well, there might be some interesting information here!!!

Updates!!!

Yes, it's been a long time since I blogged.

I actually have a voice blog saved in Snapvine that I did one day while I was driving to work, so *here* it is.

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That's the latest update, really, but I decided that I wanted to blog the end part of a conversation that I had with Dan today. I wish I had the whole thing, but a lot of it was redundant. The gist of it is that Chloe needs some extensive dental work and this is the first time that there's been dental insurance for like three years. So, I took all of the girls. Insurance will cover most of the costs, and the remainder really isn't that big of a deal, but I told Dan that he was responsible for 1/2 of it. He refused at first, giving a sob story about how he was barely affording to live, and how I had all this money to get a new van and a new laptop and blah, blah, blah...

The conversation started on my phone, on the way home from the dentist, when we stopped at the grocery store to grab a few things. After we got home, I decided that the conversation should be archived, because he was flinging accusations at me. I did display a bit of passive-aggressive behavior myself, I'll admit that, but, since I told him that I was blogging this conversation, I figured that I had better do it.

The conversation started with Dan doubting that I had insurance for the girls in the first place, and complaining about the timing of her next scheduled appointment.



Kara Peregrine: I can give you exactly what the dentist gave me.

Dan: I will need the insurance info as well, you have yet to give me any of that

Kara Peregrine: As far as the work being scheduled when it was, it's because the 1000.00/calender year dental benefit resets Jan. 1st, and well, she needs almost 1000.00 worth of work, so if it's done after the first, she has no dental benefit left for next year.

Kara Peregrine: Why would I need to give you insurance information?

Dan: well for one you told me you would, for two, I need to know the type of coverage and the breakdown of the benefits to know what my share actually is

Dan: you told me you would get me the insurance info so in case something happend to them while with me they had the info

Kara Peregrine: Chloe has 6 cavities. She needs a tooth pulled. She needs a spacer placed where that tooth is pulled so the other teeth don't crowd it when they grow in.

Kara Peregrine: As far as something happening to them, if you have to take them to the ER, insurance would be submitted later. I have one card and it has personal information of MINE on it, so I'm not giving you that, or a copy of that.

Dan: well without insurance info of any kind, how do I really know you are telling the truth?

Kara Peregrine: The quote from the dentist has the full payment amount on it, and the amount that is expected to be covered by insurance.

Dan: and as far as them having coverage with me, how can I trust that you will actually make sure it is submitted?

Kara Peregrine: Have I even asked you to increase the support since I'm paying for insurance? No, but I could, but I haven't, because it hasn't been an issue for me, and the coverage is actually cheap, compared to what I was paying for insurance, without dental...

Kara Peregrine: As far as making sure that it is submitted, then I guess that would be something you would have to deal with, as I've been sued countless times for medical bills that were both of our responsibility.

Dan: yeah, well, I have serious trust issues when it comes to you. I mean damn, you all need to grow up a bit. I just want this marriage over, and I cannot even get ahead enough to file the paperwork my damnself. I am tired of all the petty games you two play with all this. I am really tired.

Kara Peregrine: Petty games? WTF are you talking about games? You're the one who refuses to take responsibility for your children.

Kara Peregrine: Did it ever make you wonder why you always fail, no matter what you try to do?

Dan: ummm, taking responsibility is not what I am talking about here. I said I would do my best to try to come up with the money. but, you need to work on communication, and your bf needs to learn to just stay out of it. that hooker comment sunday was just idiotic

Kara Peregrine: What hooker comment was made Sunday?

Dan: as I shut the door to the apartment he shouted, have fun with your hooker

Kara Peregrine: Kinda funny. That's the second time you've "heard" something that he supposedly said that wasn't said.

Kara Peregrine: You really should get that checked out.

Dan: like I said, petty games, deny deny, but I know what I heard

Kara Peregrine: Seeing as how it was a comment to me and it wasn't "hooker" that wasn't said.

Kara Peregrine: Nor was it anything about having fun

Kara Peregrine: *was said

Dan: whatever, keep to your story thats fine, it does not matter, I just think it is stupid in the first place and for you guys being soooo much smarter than I....it is immature

Kara Peregrine: Everything to you is immature, but you obviously haven't looked at your behavior over the past 8 years.

Dan: ok, this is a good stopping point for real, we really do not need to rehash all that because it is irrelavent at this point

Dan: your done, I am done, it is over, lets move on

Kara Peregrine: If you really want the inside joke on the comment that WAS made, I can fill you in, but I believe you'd tell me it was TMI.

Kara Peregrine: And no, nothing was said that the kids would pick up on, before you go down that route.

Dan: whatever you told me I would not believe anyway, like I said, I really do not trust you

Kara Peregrine: When you quit playing the "immature" card, I'll quit reminding you that you invented the word.

Dan: am I childish sometimes, yes. however, in times when seriousness is needed, I grow up. but I like who I am, you don't this is why we are no longer together

Kara Peregrine: Trust? Seriously, what the fuck have I ever done to make you disbelieve everything I've said? Most of the stuff that you *think* was said was your delusional thinking anyway, and you hearing what you wanted to hear, and believing what you wanted to believe.

Kara Peregrine: When seriousness is needed you bail. Stop lying to yourself.

Dan: whatever, convo over. it is getting to the attacking stage now and I am done, do not message me again tonight unless it has to do with something immediatly effecting the kids

Kara Peregrine: Lmmfao... perfect example right there.

Kara Peregrine: I'm blogging this.

JERK!

I e-mailed Dan last night and told him about the mortgage modification documents, as well as letting him know that I would be home around five today, so we could get the kids.

He calls today when I was in the middle of a visit with a family, so I didn't answer the phone. Mom and daughter both went to use the restroom and I checked my voice mail. It was him sounding annoyed about not knowing what time we were supposed to meet. I know that it had been mentioned when he picked the kids up, and it had been mentioned in the e-mail, although I couldn't be assured at the time that he had gotten it. Mom and daughter were still in the bathroom, so I called him to tell him that I would be home by 5 and I would need him to wait so I could go in and make copies of the loan modification documents for him. He starts getting snippy and says that was the first he'd heard about it, although he was living here when the process was started, but he may not have paid any attention to it because he wasn't paying anything at the time and I was doing the entire process alone. I explained to him that it's been an ongoing process since about April. He starts yelling at me about the liability and then says "do you even have a license?", so I assumed he was talking about the car. I did have record of a suspended license for a few months because when I was in a fender-bender last December the insurance company didn't send proof of insurance in to the state and it was recorded as suspended. That was straightened out a few months ago, after I got the notice that I was eligible for reinstatement. The family returned and he was being rude and demanding, so I told him that I was working and was with a family, and it was not the place to discuss that. He hung up on me.

So, I get home and pull the car up to mom's house. I get out of the car and instead of going in and taking the keys in right away, I go and greet the kids. He starts going on and on about the liability of the car and how he didn't want to take responsibility for it. He demanded that I write an affidavit releasing him from liability on the vehicle. I'm not going to do that, as that will be handled in the divorce decree. He kept asking me what his liability is, and if I'm going to hold him liable. I kept saying that I wasn't the one holding him liable, that it was the finance company that would. No matter what I said about it, he kept going back to how he didn't want to be at all liable for the vehicle. He then yelled at me because I hadn't given him the VIN number of the vehicle and said that he wasn't handing me a blank piece of paper with his signature on it. I told him that I never asked for him to do that and had told him to get the paper notarized and mail it into the insurance company himself. My voice had raised a little bit and I had probably gotten more animated verbally when I said that, so he started going on about how I shouldn't yell at him. I probably raised a few more octaves due to sheer frustration when I started saying how I wasn't yelling at him. It was then that James came out of the house because he could tell that things may be getting heated and wanted to make sure that nothing was said to me that shouldn't be. He starts in again about the liability and I tell him that I can't tell him what the finance company would do, and since he was on the loan and obviously so concerned about it, he should call them and find out. James says something about liability to him and Dan immediately tells him to stay out of it. Then Dan starts talking about how James called him retarded. I didn't hear it, Alexis said she didn't hear it and James said he didn't say anything. Dan actually screamed in frustration and hit the window of his car and broke it. James then says "Now THAT was retarded". He said again that it was said, and we all repeated that we didn't hear anything. He leans inside the car and asks his girlfriend if it was said, she shakes her head saying that she didn't hear it, and he comes back out of the car looking defeated. He starts to get into the car and I told him that he needed to wait so that I could get the mortgage modification documents. He said he wasn't signing anything until he had them looked over. I told him that I had seven days to return the documents, so I needed to get them together. I told him that if the papers didn't go in, that the loan would go back into foreclosure, and while I figured that he didn't care, I wanted to have someplace for the kids to live. He said that he did care, but he wasn't taking responsibility for anything. He said that I had said that I would make it easy for him for the divorce, and that we would just sign a paper and be done. That was another one of his delusions, as I had said I'd wanted it to be amicable and agreed on, but never said we would just "sign a piece of paper." I told him that just like him, I was protecting myself (he was angry because while I HAD at first planned to file the papers myself, with kids and a house and joint loans, I realized that I NEEDED to have an attorney because I'm just not knowledgeable enough about the law), but he sees it as me trying to screw him out of money. He went to get in the car and again I reminded him that I needed to make copies of the documents for the loan modification. He said that he had them all, as I had forwarded him all of the e-mails from the car insurance company. I reminded him that this was for the house and not the car. He then asked me what happens if he doesn't sign them. I told him that I had already thought about that and planned on asking the company that when I called with my questions on Monday. I also told him that the papers had a number on them that he could call with questions, because I couldn't answer any of them, as I had some myself. Everything else he could read for himself. This is another issue that we always had, as he did not have the motivation or SOMETHING to find out information for himself. He said that he would wait for them if he didn't have to stand there and be belittled the entire time. I said to him "It's not my fault that you're so insecure about being an idiot that you hear things when they're not said" and turned around and went into the house. He yelled after me that it was uncalled for. Calli was walking behind me and said that she didn't like it when I called him names. I apologized to her and said that he had me upset and worried. I really do need to watch that better, quite honestly.

So, I make him copies of the papers and go out and give them to him. He has 40.00 for me for the kids and tells me that he wants me to sign the paper. I say "it's not blank, is it?" and he says "there's plenty of writing on it". He looks at the top paper and sees that there's a number on it, because I see him nod. I turn my back on him and go back into the house.

I go over to mom's house so I can give her back the keys to her car. I tell her that it has half a tank of gas, but that it was too cold for me to fill it back up, but I would fill it back up for her before I was completely done with it. I then asked her if I could borrow 11oo.oo and gave her a time line for when it would be paid back and told her what it was for. She said that she could do it, so I should have a car by Tuesday. I'm trying to keep Tuesday light so I can get things taken care of around here. I need to get the stuff out of the Pacifica and get groceries and get a car and mail out books for Amazon and Paperback Exchange.

Chloe's behavior was pretty bad tonight when she came home. I know all of this is hard on her, but it tears me up to know how well behaved she was when she wasn't seeing her dad, and then she starts seeing him and the old behaviors are back. Luckily, last time they disappeared after a day or so. Transitions have always been kind of hard for her, so I may attribute it to the transitional period. I'm hoping it gets better, but I'm going to do some research on ways to make it easier for her.

Work is going well, even though it's already busy. I have one client that I see three times a week, and it's at least a six hour day each time I see her. I clocked 61.25 hours this week. Yes, it's busy, but it's worth it that I'm actually earning more than I was when I was at IPMG, the kids are home, I'm not going to consistently hear from someone that I "owe" them because they actually had to watch their own kids while I worked and went to school, how I "owe" then eight years of their life.

I guess if he doesn't sign the documents, I'll have to end up taking him to court, or something. I don't know. I'm reading a women's divorce site to see what it says, and to get some insight.

I'm actually off work most of the day tomorrow. I go in to Showland at 4:00, although I'm not sure how long I'm going to be able to continue to hold on to that job. I guess, if things continue as busy as they are, I won't need it.

Nite!

Looking Forward

Well, the Pacifica was totalled. Quite honestly, I'm kind of glad because I've hated that vehicle ever since Dan used it one night to go see one of his flings and did sexual stuff in it. After I found out about that, I told him that he needed to take that car and he refused, saying that he couldn't afford it. The insurance payout isn't going to cover the rest of the loan, but there won't be much left after the payout, so I'm going to see if they will settle for what the insurance will pay. If not, they can wait and I'll make periodic payments until it's paid. My credit is pretty much screwed up right now, so I have to get a car through a buy-here pay-here lot. Pioneer in Plymouth actuay has a couple of mini-vans that appear to be decent, although I haven't driven either of them yet. It's just a matter of coming up with the down payment. I asked my brother if he had any money I could borrow, but he doesn't have it. I offered to pay it all back to him in three installments. That way, it would be paid back before my house paymets kick back in. I guess I'm just going t have to ask around or wait until mid-December to get my own vehicle and hope those mini-vans are still there.

I got a loan modification on the house. I have a small down payment to get it started, but after the papers get signed, I don't have a payment due until January. Everything else was rolled back into the principal, which makes it a couple thousand dollars higher than the initial loan, but I won't be in danger of losing the house, and it gives me a little bit of recovery time now that I'm making pretty good money. I got the notification on that yesterday. James messaged me and told me that I'd gotten a DHL delivery from the mortgage company and my heart immediately stopped. I made him open it and tell me what was inside. Once I knew what was in there though, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I haven't talked about it much, but it was something that was really bothering me.

Work is extremely busy. Thank God James is around to stay with the kids while I run around crazy all the time working screwy hours. I'm actually working right now, supervising a visit, but it's obviously not an awful job. Today is all overtime for me, and I'm still getting more cases. I'll have about 55 hours in this week, some of which was done from home and I get to add documentation time on top of that, wich I'm actually going to start doing here in a bit.

Deer Meat

Just a quick update to say that I hit a deer on my way to Michigan City tonight to drop off paperwork. The car's in pretty bad shape, so hopefully I can beg, borrow and steal cars from friends and stuff to keep working. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be able to do the one client that makes me the most money this week, so hopefully I can get my hours in, as she alone was about 18 hours per week.

I have to go to bed now so I can borrow mom's car in the morning and get my time sheet turned in at the office first thing in the morning.

Busy, busy, busy!!!

I know it's been awhile since I've updated, but I've been extremely busy. Between work and family things, I really haven't had a lot of time to sit down and write, and when I have had time, I simply haven't felt like it.

I'm technically still working at Prairie City and Showland, as well as having started the new job last week. I'm just juggling Showland and the new job right now, because Prairie City is so laid back, that as long as I keep in touch with them and let them know what's going on, I can go back pretty much any time. I'm thinking I might have to give up Showland though, because of the requirements of Family Focus. Not that they're requiring me to, but because the hours are better spent at Family Focus. There's always overtime available, and why would I work for three hours at Showland to make what I could at Family Focus in an hour? It just doesn't make economic sense. I'm going to hold on to it as long as I can, but, quite honestly, it's not as fun as it used to be, simply because it stresses me out more than anything having to plan around that schedule for visits.

I have a few of my own clients right now. I could probably get almost my full-time hours with just these clients, because there is so much travel time involved with them. I have one family that I transport from Fulton County, then to South Bend, then back to Fulton County after the visit. That family in itself is almost a full day, and there are visits several days a week. I get reimbursed for travel time too, so I'm not complaining. I'm trying to arrange it so I actually have two days off a week, so I'm doing my best not to schedule things on Tuesdays and Saturdays. So far, I'm enjoying it, although I'm just getting started right now.

I'm worried that I'll run out of money for gas between paychecks, just because this paycheck I'm only getting paid for one week on this coming paycheck. I'll figure something out, as long as NIPSCO will work out a payment plan with me on the rest of my deposit, which is like 635.00. UGH! I absolutely, positively HATE NIPSCO!!! After that, it'll be smooth sailing...which is another reason why I'd kind of like to hang on to the Showland job, they pay every week, and that small cash infusion, small as it is, is nice, since they pay weekly instead of every other week.

One of the cool things that I've gotten to do while I was in training, was I went and ate lunch at Washington park in Michigan City before heading home. I sat in my car and teased the seagulls a bit. Took pictures and continually sent them to James to see. I also told him the story of how I almost slipped off of the lighthouse when I was younger and dad had taken me out to it on a day when the water had splashed over the edge and made it icy. I'd actually forgotten about it until I saw the lighthouse. I walked on the catwalk out to the lighthouse, taking pictures of about everything. It was one of those experiences that was just, no other way to describe than calming. Even though it was cold, and the surf was occasionally splashing up and onto me making me wet, it was something that for me was healing in a way, something that I needed. I really wished that my family was there to share it with me, but it made me decide that we needed to go up there sometime soon. We'll probably wait until spring now though, because I don't want to have to catch one of my kids and keep them from falling off the lighthouse.






I sat and watched the surf hit the rocks for awhile, and then I went and played in the sand some.








Playing in the sand, and actually WANTING to do things like this, reminded me of one time I was visiting my dad and saw that he had painted Jeff + Cindy with a paintbrush in the garage. I remember telling him that it was immature. He just smiled and laughed at me and said "No it's not, it's love".

Everything hasn't been me being alone. We took the kids (minus Alexis, who was at her dad's house) to the pumpkin patch last weekend. We went through a corn maze, and the kids rode the "cow train", went on a pony ride, used the pedal cars, and shot the corn cannon. We went on a hayride and picked some pumpkins from the pumpkin patch. We all picked green pumpkins. Even though they aren't ripe yet, they look really cool, so the kids really enjoyed picking them out.

We just carved the pumpkins on Sunday night and lit them for the first time last night, because we had to get tealight candles for them. I know that I had some out in the garage somewhere, but I couldn't find them. It was then that I also decided that I'm going to have to have a huge garage sale in the spring. I'm going to get new boxes and put things that I'm going to keep in categorized boxes, NEW boxes that aren't falling apart or full of trash. Things that go out in the yard sale are going to be given away if they don't sell, unless it's something that I really want to keep (or is too valuable to throw away, and that'll go in categorized boxes as well. Yeah, I know, it's a huge and ambitious project, but that's the only way that things are going to get cleaned up in there, as well as in the basement.

I've been working on getting the house cleaned up, a little at a time, and actually getting the kids to help. Every night they are given a plastic bag and they're supposed to fill it up with things that need to be thrown away. It's slow progress, but it's progress nonetheless, and eventually it'll just get to a maintenance stage.

I've been busy doing other things around the house too. I stained my new door the other day. I've been scouting books to sell on Amazon and have made another 50 bucks or so. Not a huge income, but it's a nice supplemental one, good for those little extras, like pumpkin patch trips and Halloween costumes, which we went and got tonight. Alexis is going as an "emo kid", Chloe is going to be Ironman, and Calli is a bunny. Chloe is the only one who got a traditional costume. The other ones we pieced together with bits and pieces of things, which I think are the ones that are the most fun to do anyway.

Oh, more huge news is that we got another puppy. We went to the humane society and while the one that we'd all looked at wasn't there, we all found one that we could agree on. Calli still wants a beagle, but we got a Shepherd/Husky (more than likely) mix. We named him Floyd. Yes, it's after the band. We couldn't agree on a name, so we enlisted the help of the iPod. That was one we could agree on, although now I'm thinking I should've asked if we could call it Freud instead. He is so laid back, it's almost like he was trained before, but he was a stray. He does good walking on a leash and playing with the kids. He has a damaged eye, and is most likely blind in it, but it doesn't seem to affect him, unless you're coming at him with a stuffed animal that looks remotely like a dog from that side, then he goes nuts. Otherwise, he's mellow enough that the kids can walk him by themselves, he doesn't rush out the door when it's open, he jumps on people, but it's almost a gentle, greeting jump, and he's starting to learn sit and shake. He's not doing so well with the potty training, and he's prone to picking up random objects around the house and chewing on them, but he responds to someone yelling "dog!" really well. He's probably going to end up thinking that's his name.

My frustrations with Dan are fading and are now mostly because of his absence in the kid's lives. I didn't hear from him for nearly two weeks regarding getting the kids, and he said it was because he didn't want to deal with me, yet, the last interaction that we had had, was mutually respectful. It wasn't until he was reminded of how the conversation went that he realized that it was the case. He never called Calli on her birthday, nor did he bother to drop off any support last week, nor contact me regarding it. Nobody stopped him from taking them for a few hours some afternoon, but he never even though of that as an option. It bothers me because that was one thing that seemed to be the biggest deal for him, yet he doesn't seem to make any effort to see them. I didn't know what his plans were for this weekend, due to his lack of communication, so I told him that I made plans for them for Thursday and Friday night, so if he wanted them after trick-or-treating, he could have them. He then acted all hurt because I said that I had made plans. I know that if it would ever come up on court that the judge would ask him why he went without contact for so long when he was living a few blocks away, and it wouldn't be looked down upon for me making plans during visitation days we had arranged because he had voluntarily forfeited them for the previous three weeks.

I guess he's got an apartment with the girlfriend that threw him out and made him homeless a month or so ago. It's funny, because I was going through diagnostic criteria for Alexis and came across Dependent Personality Disorder. He meets six out of the eight diagnostic criteria, and only five are needed for a diagnosis. I sent him a link to it, seriously hoping that he would read it and take it to heart and start to explore some things about himself. Instead, he took it as an insult toward his girlfriend when it had absolutely, positively nothing to do with her. I was looking at his history over the past year and a half, as well as the history of when we were in a relationship. It just amazes me that he thinks so highly of himself that he can't realize that there might be more than superficial things that caused our problems.

I found out last week that while I sent money with Chloe to get her pictures taken on picture day at school, it never got to the school, so she never got school pictures taken. He says he never touched the order envelope, yet everyone here remembers it differently, that it was handed directly to him... and as a responsible parent, wouldn't you make sure that your kids had everything they needed before they walked out the door for school? I went on a rant at him about it over messenger, about how irresponsible and incompetent of a parent he is, and he's basically said that he won't speak to me without a witness. I told him to archive the conversation then, and then he said that I was harassing him. It just pisses me off that he can't even consider that it wasn't how he remembered it, especially since he completely blanked out a fairly positive interaction until he was reminded of it, and when he always said that he has a poor memory and forgets everything.

Oh, and James openly told the kids that he loved them the other night, while actually in a confrontation with Alexis. Alexis has been a real butt as of late, which I'm sure I've blogged about recently. He was explaining to her why he does the things he does, and why he physically removed her from the area when she was swinging at me and the girls and throwing things at us. It was something like "I love you, and I love Chloe and I love Calli and I love your mother, so when anything is being done to hurt any of you, I am going to do whatever I can to stop it." I think it was an epiphany for her as well. Then Calli said it this morning to him while we were all laying in bed cuddling before we got up, and Alexis said it to him tonight before she went to bed. He returned it with both of them. I've known for awhile that he's loved them, that they actually got under his skin pretty quickly, but it wasn't verbally acknowledged like that until recently. He's also showing me that it's possible to be a strict parent without being oppressive, to create a household where there are few rules, but everyone knows what is expected of them, a household where everyone willingly works together because they want to contribute to the household, not because they have to (which is exactly what I have always wanted). It's baby steps, of course, because of the way that things have been run in the house for all these years, but it's satisfying to see the progress. One of the things that made me realize that it is working, at least somewhat so far, is when Calli opened up her birthday presents, she willingly picked up her wrapping paper and boxes without even being asked, or when Alexis said that when she's 11 she's going to start babysitting so she can contribute financially to the household (which I wouldn't make her do, but it was interesting for her to say that), or when we bought their costumes and they saw the total and were all like "that was expensive". We can all work together to create an ideal household, and let the kids learn the value of togetherness. It's a later start with him than I wanted to get, but it's happening now, and it's never too late to learn.

Calli certainly seems to be happy because she says that she's never going to move out and she's going to marry Noah (her online "boyfriend", the son of an online friend of mine) and they'll both live with me and she'll buy some kids from me (which is what she thinks I do at my new job, sell kids). If she wasn't happy here and didn't feel loved and respected, then she wouldn't say that she'll never leave me... and really, the thought of her living with me forever isn't all that unappealing. I don't care if all the girls never move out, except for the fact that they'd be missing out on life experiences that we all need.

Anyway, I know that James is annoyed with me because he thought that we were going to bed several hours ago, and he won't go to bed without me. He'd rather pass out on the couch and wait until we can go to bed together, so I'm going to end this now and actually let him be comfortable instead of all hunched over in the corner of the couch.

Reminiscing

I opened up Microsoft One Note tonight. I haven't used it since I got fired from IPMG. I want to use it while I'm taking notes for visits and such, just because it's so easy to cut and paste from, as well as to keep track of information in.

I found an old diary that I was keeping, about a year ago, back when virtually no one knew what I was personally going through. I thought that it might be time to share some of those entries.

This one was dated 9/30/07:

I need to start writing my feelings again. I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to about what's been going on in my life for the past few months. I am NOT happy with Dan. I feel like I settled, and while I know that it's tearing him apart inside, I can't make myself have feelings for him. He's asking me to do the impossible. He wants to work on "us" when, in my mind, there is no "us". I'm not happy, and he continues to claim that I am being selfish, but how is it selfish to want personal happiness? I mean, since when is that such a fucking crime? It's just frustrating because he continues to hound me to feel things that I'm not going to feel, that I haven't felt in a long time -- that I'm not sure I ever really did.

He keeps saying that I'm the one responsible for taking everything away from him. That it's all my fault. And yeah, I suppose that my actions are affecting him in that way, but I guess I'm just pissed off because he doesn't even bother to see things from my perspective. He says I'm being selfish, but he's being incredibly selfish for expecting me to live unhappily. He keeps saying that I'll regret it if I let him go. I don't get it. He's not all that. Yeah, he's a nice guy, just not the one for me. I've known that for a long time, just haven't ever told him. I'm not lonely, I don't need someone to survive. I don't really LIKE being married, really. I don't even know that I want someone permanent in my life. I certainly am not really looking for it.

Here's a poem that I wrote on 10/14/07:

I am empty.

My soul feels nothing anymore.

I want to hurt, but I can't.

I want to cry, but I can't.

Numb.

I am emotionally dead.

To you.

To me.

To everyone.

I want to feel.

I never really ever felt normal.

I tried too hard.

I didn't try hard enough.

This was part of everything of me.

School.

Friends.

Family.

Work.

No matter how hard I tried I never fit in.

And another poem that I wrote on 9/12/07:

I read what they write

About love.

Life.

Heartache.

Joy.

I don't feel any of these.

I try to write, but can't.

The words look superficial and hollow.

Feel empty.

Ring of childish thoughts, phrases.

I don't feel… therefore I am?

Another poem written on 9/13/07:

A glass wall separates me from my site.

So that the world teasingly dangles in front of me,

Knowing that I can't touch it.

Knowing that I only await waiting to

Waiting for the tiger, clawing fervently underneath my skin

to find an exit, to find freedom, but mostly,

myself.

Here is a blog that I posted on a social networking site on 9/13/07 as well, as a way of self-exploration, trying to put into words what I was feeling at the time. It was read by very few, and has long since been buried to the point that even I forgot about it. Here it is, resurrected.

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection lately, mostly because I'm having a hard time seeing anything.

I decided that I needed to blog it.

Why share then, when self-disclosure is something I've always shied away from?

I

've realized that until I can open up about who and what I am, then I will never be able to see myself objectively, and what better way to take ownership of your thoughts and feelings than to put them in a public forum, open to criticism and ridicule?

I'm not going to go into history here, just because at this point it is irrelevant. I need to sort out who and what I am right now, at this very moment. I've always prided myself on being a walking contradiction, unpredictable, random. Am I random because I really don't know who or what I am? I think so. Right now I so want to scream and be held and cry and break glass and love and be loved and hurl objects and indulge in self-destructive behavior.

I've spent years struggling to figure out who I am. I played the doting wife, the soccer mom, the rebellious teenager, the loner, the party girl and the self-absorbed bitch. I've explored Christianity, Buddhism, Bahai, Mormonism and Hindi. Nothing feels right. I am not comfortable with anyone, or anything. Especially myself.

I tell people that they only think they know me, because it's true. I am a chameleon, ever-changing, dynamic, and quite frankly, I'm fucking sick and tired of it.

A friend recently asked me to look in the "mirror" and change what I don't like. The problem is, when I look in the mirror, I don't see anything. There is no reflection. There is no me, because I don’t know who I am, what I am. I am so lost in a sea of emotions that I cannot pull any single one out to fully feel it.

Sometimes I purposely think I do things that will make me feel to see if I can. Once, recently, while listening to Chicken Wire by the Pernice Brothers, which is a song about suicide by carbon monoxide inhalation, I had the overwhelming urge to know that it would feel like, to be that woman, sitting in the car, drink in her hand, knowing that she was going to die, knowing that she could stop it, but choosing not to. Not that I want to kill myself, I'm not suicidal, but I wanted to experience the emotion of what that felt like, to see if I would actually feel anything.

I care about people that I know are going to hurt me. I put myself in painful situations so that I can experience at least that emotion. I turn away from people that I know care about me. I hurt them, oftentimes badly, and feel no remorse.

So ends today's saga of Punkin, the completely fucked in the head, non-feeling, trapped in a glass case, dissociated, emotionally masochistic, avoidant woman who is lost and simply trying to find herself.

Nonsense!!!

So, after batting with Alexis for about an hour tonight, I'm kinda exhausted. I reminded her that she would need to do the dishes after her homework was done. She was supposed to do her homework immediately after getting home, but she didn't. As soon as I said that she needed to do the dishes, things were flying everywhere. She threw a fit, and threw things, and hit everyone, and kicked and destroyed things. This happens pretty much every night. I did some diagnosing and decided that she probably has intermittent explosive disorder. I know that it sucks to put a label on everything, and everyone, but it's to the point where I don't know how much longer I can deal with these behaviors before I start to react in an unhealthy way to them. Fortunately, I am eligible for insurance at my new job from the very beginning, and, so it starts on Monday, when I do. That means it's a trip to the doctor for her and a trip to the dentist for everyone. The insurance is actually the cheapest that I've had since I started working in the social services field... so, there's a bit of good news. Most of my paycheck won't go toward insurance.

Dan deleted me from his MySpace. I'm not sure when it happened, I didn't even notice, James did. It bothers me. I don't know why, but it does. It's one of those stupid fucking things that I don't know why I let it get to me, and... and... and... screw it. It bugs me, I don't yet know why, and it pisses me off that it bugs me. I think it's partially just the removal of me from his life, which I KNEW had to happen, I knew was going to happen, but that doesn't mean that I feel OK about it, which is stupid, because I felt a new round of hatred for him when I was taking my vision test.

I covered my left eye, read the second to last line... which I guess my vision isn't as good as it used to be, because I used to be able to see the last line perfectly fine. Then, I uncover my left eye and cover my right. It's blurry. VERY blurry. I blink. It doesn't clear up. I blink again. It still doesn't clear up. It took about ten seconds before it focused enough for me to be able to read anything on the chart, let alone see it. It depressed me again, and, like I said, sent a new round of rage and hatred through me for him.

There have been NIPSCO trucks at the end of the street for a few hours tonight. I have a feeling they're going to cut off power here soon, so I'd better save this and get ready to go to bed.

Songs That Pulled Me Through (very long)

Here is the playlist, and lyrics, of songs that pulled me through the past couple of years. This is from my "Crying Game" playlist on my iPod, and while they allowed me to cry, I also took comfort in them. Each of these songs has something about them, something in them, that allowed me to feel, at least SOMETHING. I love music, and I feel that when I cannot speak, it speaks for me. I may actually explore why some of these songs had significance, but anyone who knows what I've been going through, should be able to see the significance for me in each and every one of them. These are all beautiful songs to me, and while I will still listen to them, part of the reason for revisiting these songs is to put the past reason for listening to them behind me, and enjoy them for what they are... beautiful music.

(Formatting my really suck on this, thus the enlarged song titles)

Nutshell - Alice In Chains

We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

Oooh...oooh...
Oooh...oooh...

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I cant be my own
Id feel better dead

Oooh...oooh...
Oooh...oooh...




Eleanor Rigby - Beatles

Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people

Eleanor rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from ?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong ?

Father mckenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near.
Look at him working. darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
What does he care?

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

Eleanor rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father mckenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?



Lost Cause - Beck

Your sorry eyes, they cut through bone.
They make it hard to leave you alone.
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new.

Baby Im a lost
Baby Im a lost
Baby Im a lost cause.

Theres too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go.
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy, but nobody cares.

Baby Im a lost
Baby Im a lost
Baby Im a lost cause.
Im tired of fighting
Im tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

Theres a place where you are going
You aint never been before
Theres no one laughing at your back now
No one standing at your door
Is that what you thought love was for?

Baby Im a lost
Baby Im a lost
Baby Im a lost cause
Im tired of fighting
Im tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause.



Cigarettes Will Kill You - Ben Lee

You throw me in a pan
You cook me in a can
You stretch me with your hands

You love to watch me bake
You serve me up with cake
And thats your big mistake

Your guest comes in dressed smart
You offer a la carte
You didnt have the heart

And I want a tv embrace
And i, Im getting off your boiling plate
They swore youd steal my steam to feed your dream
And then be gone
I wish I could say that everyone was wrong

You left me burned and seared
You left me ripped and teared
And older than my years

I should have know at first
That you would leave me hurt
You had to try dessert

No way to let off steam
Dont bother milk or cream
No way to let off steam

And I want a tv embrace
And i, Im getting off this boiling plate
They swore youd steal my steam to feed your dream
And then be gone
I wish I could say that everyone was wrong

It must feel good to stand above me
While I make you so proud of me
It must feel good that Im now gone
I wish I could say that everyone was wrong
I wish everyone was wrong
I wish everyone was wrong
I wish everyone was wrong
I wish everyone was wrong
I wish everyone was wrong


You Belong To Me - Bob Dylan

See The Pyramids
Along the Nile
Watch the sun rise
On a tropic isle
Just remember darling
All the while
You belong to me...

See the market place
In old Algiers
Send me photographs
And souvenirs
Just remember
'Til your dream appears
You belong to me....

I'll be so alone
Without you
Maybe
You'll be lonesome, too
Maybe
You'll be lonesome too
And blue

Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When its wet with rains
Just remember
Till you're home again
Or until I come home to you
You belong to me...


A Bitter Song - Butterfly Boucher

All I need is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better
All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better

It found me to hold me
But I don't like it at all
Won't feed it,
Won't grow it
It's folded in my stomach;
It's not fair,
I found love;
It made me say that.
Get back,
You'll never see daylight;
If I'm not strong it just might.

All I need is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better
All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better
I feel better
I feel better




Everytime We Touch - Cascada

I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch in my dreams.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why
Without you it's hard to survive.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I cry.
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.


Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So, mesmerizing,and so hypnotizing,
I am captivated,I am

{Chorus}
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me
So isolated,and so motivated
I am certain now that I am

{Chorus}

So turn
up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment fall forever

Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'll be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away

{Chorus}

Slight hope
dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...



This Ruined Puzzle - Dashboard Confessional

This ruined puzzle is beige with the pieces all face down
so the placing goes slowly.
The pictures of anything other than it's meant to be
But the hours they creep
the patterns repeat
Don't be concerned you know I'll be fine on my own
I never said don't go

But I've hidden a note
it’s pressed between pages
that you've marked to find your way back
It says Does he ever get the girl?
But what if the pages stay pressed
the chapters unfinished
the stories too dull to unfold
Does he ever get the girl?

This basement's a coffin
I'm buried alive
I'll die in here just to be safe
I'll die in here just to be safe
'Cause you're gone
I get nothing
and you're off with barely a sigh
I never said Good-bye

But I’ve hidden a note
it’s pressed between pages
that you've marked to find your way back
It says Does he ever get the girl?
But I’ve hidden a note
it’s pressed between pages
that you’ll read if you're so inclined
does he ever get the girl?

But the hours they creep
the patterns repeat
don’t be concerned, you know I'll be fine on my own.
I never said don't go
Does he ever get the girl?


What Its Like - Everlast

We've all seen the man at the liquor store beggin' for your change
The hair on his face is dirty, dreadlocked and full of mange
He ask the man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes
Get a job you fuckin' slob's all he replied

[CHORUS]
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues
Then you really might know what it's like [x4]

Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom who said he was in love
He said don't worry about a thing baby doll I'm the man you've been dreamin' of
But three months later he said he won't date her or return her call
And she sweared god damn if I find that man I'm cuttin' off his balls
And then she heads for the clinic and she gets some static walkin' through the doors
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner, and they call her a whore

[CHORUS]
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose
Then you really might know what it's like [x4]
I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between
I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
Smoked the finest green
I stroked the baddest dimes at least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart
You know where it ends
Yo, it usually depends on where you start

I knew this kid named Max
He used to get fat stacks out on the corner with drugs
He liked to hang out late at night
Liked to get shit faced
And keep pace with thugs
Until late one night there was a big gun fight
Max lost his head
He pulled out his chrome .45
Talked some shit
And wound up dead
Now his wife and his kids are caught in the midst of all of his pain
You know it crumbles that way
At least that's what they say when you play the game

[CHORUS]
God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to lose
Then you really might know what it's like [x3]
To have to lose...



November Rain - Guns N Roses

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain

But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Don't Cry - Guns N Roses (Not on playlist)

If we could see tomorrow
What of your plans
No one can live in sorrow
Ask all your friends
Times that you took in stride
They're back in demand
I was the one who's washing
Blood off your hands

Don't you cry tonight
I still love you baby
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight

I know the things you wanted
They're not what you have
With all the people talkin' it's drivin' you mad
If I was standin' by you how would you feel
Knowing your love's decided
And all love is real

An don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight

I thought I could live in your world
As years all went by
With all the voices I've heard
Something has died
And when you're in need of someone
My heart won't deny you
So many seem so lonely
With no one left to cry to baby

An don't you cry tonight
An don't you cry tonight
An don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight
Baby maybe someday
Don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry
Tonight

I Know You - Henry Rollins

I know you
You were too short
You had bad skin
You couldn't talk to them very well
Words didn't seem to work
They lied when they came out of your mouth

You tried so hard to understand them
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
And it seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic

Made you think that there was something wrong with you
You'd look in the mirror and try to find it
You thought that you were ugly
And that everyone was looking at you

So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation

The hours, days, weekends
Ah, the weekend nights alone
Where were you?
In the basement?
In the attic?
In your room?
Working some job - just to have something to do.
Just to have a place to put yourself
Just to have a way to get away from them
A chance to get away from the ones that made you feel
so strange and ill at ease inside yourself

Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not
For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire
They would laugh at you
If you would know what to do
If you'd have the right things on
If they would notice that you came from a different planet

Did you get all brave in your thoughts?
Like you going to be able to go in there and deal with it
and have a great time.
Did you think that you might be the life of the party?
That all these people were gonna talk to you and you
would find out that you were wrong?
That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so
strange after all?

Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you were invited because they
thought you were so weird?

Yeah, I think I know you
You spent a lot of time full of hate
A hate that was pure sunshine
A hate that saw for miles
A hate that kept you up at night
A hate that filled your every waking moment
A hate that carried you for a long time

Yes, I think I know you
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived

Home was not home
Your room was home
A corner was home
The place they weren't, that was home

I know you

You're sensitive and you hide it because you fear
getting stepped on one more time
It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is
the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you
One of them steps on you

They mistake kindliness for weakness
But you know the difference
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years
And strength is something you know a bit about because
you had to be strong to keep yourself alive

You know yourself very well now
And you don't trust people
You know them too well

You try to find that special person
Someone you can be with
Someone you can touch
Someone you can talk to
Someone you don't feel so strange around
And you find that they don't really exist
You feel closer to people on movie screens

Yeah, I think I know you
You spend a lot of time daydreaming
And people have made comment to that effect
Telling you that you're self involved, and self centred

But they don't know, do they?
About the long night shifts alone
About the years of keeping yourself company
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
so you could imagine someone holding you
The hours of indecision, self doubt
The intense depression
The blinding hate
The rage that made you stagger
The devastation of rejection

Well, maybe they do know
But if they do, they sure do a good job of hiding it
It astounds you how they can be so smooth
How they seem to pass through life as if life itself
was some divine gift
And it infuriates you to watch yourself with your
apparent skill at finding every way possible to screw it up

For you life is a long trip
Terrifying and wonderful
Birds sing to you at night
The rain and the sun the changing seasons are true friends
Solitude is a hard won ally, faithful and patient

Yeah, I think I know you


Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.


Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley


i heard there was a secret chord
that david played and it pleased the lord
but you don't really care for music, do you
well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift
the baffled king composing hallelujah

hallelujah...

well your faith was strong but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

hallelujah...

baby i've been here before
i've seen this room and i've walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew you
i've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah...

well there was a time when you let me know
what's really going on below
but now you never show that to me do you
but remember when i moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah

well, maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah...



I Love You Came Too Late - Joey McIntyre

Baby listen to me
If I have the chance
Id say those words
Come on.....oooh....

The bluest of blue
Thats what her eyes are
Thats what I am today

And if I had it all to do
All over again
I wouldnt have waited so long
To say...

I cant live with out you
I dont want know body else
Baby, listen very closely
I love you.......

I couldnt lie
She couldnt wait
I love you came too late
Id give my life
For yesterday
I love you came too late

I should have seen the signs
And payed more attention
But I pushed your love away

So if you find someone
To give you what you needed (somebody else)
Somebody else not afraid to say...

I cant live with out you
I dont want no body else
Baby, listen very closely
I love you.........

I couldnt lie
She couldnt wait
I love you came too late
Id give my life
For yesterday
I love you came too late

I cant live without you
Dont want nobody else
My heart is in my hand
I took a good look at myself
If I had another chance
Id shout it out to the world
I love you!

I couldnt lie
She couldnt wait
I love you came too late
Id give my life
For yesterday
I love you came too late

I couldnt lie
She couldnt wait
I love you came too late
Id give my all
For yesterday
I love you came too late



Suicide Is Painless - Marilyn Manson


Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realise and I can see...

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make all our little joys relate
Without that ever-present hate
But now I know that it's to late, and...
That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

The game of life is hard to play
I'm going to lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
So this is all I have to say
That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.

The only way to win is cheat
and lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat
That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin but...
That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are the key
Is it to be or not to be
and I replied 'oh why ask me?

Cause suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please ...
and you can do the same thing if you please.


Absinthe Party At the Fly Honey Warehouse - Minus The Bear

Hey, let's cross the sea
and get some culture.
Red wine with every meal
and absinthe after dinner.
We'd look good side by side
walking back to the hotel

We've got to get something
to eat and to drink yeah,
and find a place to stay
that's not far off the main way-
we've got to plan our day:
Rodin and D'Orsay
and find a way to cram it all in
before we drink hard again

Let's get a bottle and drink alone tonight
Let's get a bottle and drink alone tonight

'This light looks good on you,'
morning came early.
Sitting on a park bench
that's older than my country
Two star hotel
near St. Germain.
Two star hotel
where the stars don't mean anything.


One Last Caress - Misfits

I got something to say
I killed your baby today
And it doesnt matter much to me
As long as its dead

Well I got something to say
I raped your mother today
And it doesnt matter much to me
As long as she spread

Sweet lovely death
I am waiting for your breath
Come sweet death, one last caress

Go

Sweet lovely death
I am waiting for your breath
Come sweet death, one last caress

Well, I got something to say
I killed your baby today
And it doesnt matter much to me
As long as its dead

Sweet lovely death
I am waiting for your breath
Come sweet death
One last caress

One last caress, sweet death
One last caress, sweet death

Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh


Stories - Trapt

I found a line and then it grew
I found myself still thinking of you
I felt so empty and now I'm fine
But still it's burning, when will you be mine?

[Chorus:]
Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think it's time for change, don't you?
Too much of the same stories in our lives
(I think it's time for us to walk away from here)

Stories in our lives, we keep them all inside [x2]

Look at me still in your mind
Our memories so intertwined
Well you broke through and found your way
And so did I no need to stay
The same old picture, tried and true
Been through there, let's look for something new

Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think it's time for change, don't you?
Too much of the same stories in our lives
(I think it's time for us to walk away from here)

[Chorus]

Do you remember lying on the beach so late at night
Do you remember running through the sprinklers that night
Do you remember all the songs that I have wrote for you,
All the songs that I have wrote for you
(For you)

I remember,the way you made me feel when I was with you
I remember,the smile that always brought me back to you
That look in your eyes, I never thought that this could be untrue [x2]

Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think it's time for change, don't you?
Too much of the same stories in our lives
(I think it's time for us to walk away from here)

(Untrue
Do do da da
do do da da
do do da da
do do da da
do yeah yeah yeah)

[Chorus]



Don't Follow - Alice In Chains

Hey, I aint never coming
Home
Hey, Ill just wander my
Own road
Hey, I cant meet you here tomorrow
Say goodbye dont follow
Misery so hollow

Hey you, youre livin
Life full throttle
Hey you, pass me down that
Bottle, yeah
Hey you, you cant shake
Me round now
I get so lost and dont
Know how
And it hurts to care, im
Going down

Forgot my woman, lost my
Friends
Thinks Id done and where
Ive been
Sleep in sweat the mirrors
Cold
See my face its growin
Old
Scared to death no reason
Why
Do whatever to get me by
Think about the things i
Said
Read the page its cold
And dead



No Surprises - Radiohead

A heart that's full up like a landfill,
a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal.
You look so tired-unhappy,
bring down the government,
they don't, they don't speak for us.
I'll take a quiet life,
a handshake of carbon monoxide,

with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
Silent silent.

This is my final fit,
my final bellyache,

with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.

Such a pretty house
and such a pretty garden.

No alarms and no surprises (get me outta here),
no alarms and no surprises (get me outta here),
no alarms and no surprises, please.


Hurt - NIN, Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today
To see if i still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But i remember everything
What have i become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone i know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of s**t
On my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have i become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone i know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If i could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way


Chicken Wire - Pernice Brothers (Not on playlist)

With a drink in her hand
She will stop her car and then
Seal herself for good in the garage
She's never leaving

There were times to be sure
It was so pure you might choke
But it's too late in the garage
The falling ceiling

And all the walls will fade to black
Could she be thinking of another now

Take my hand, pull me through
There's so much i left undone
But it's too late now in the garage

And all the walls will fade to black
Could she be thinking of another

They found her car still running
In the garage
She'd come so far to end her life
By the rusty mower and chicken wire
By the chicken wire and studded tire
By the rusty mower and chicken wire


Red Water - Rehab

When I was twelve, while checking the mail
I was admirin' the car of the man next door
And thinkin' to myself, man, one of these days
I'm gonna have me a house like that, with a big red door
And his yard was mowed, and his grass was green
And the driveway was edged and all the shrubs were trimmed so perfectly
I had a crush on his wife and I played ball with his son
I pondered how much money he made, went inside and turned the TV on

And he was layin'
In an overflowing bathtub of red water
The first and the last time he ever relaxed
And they said
He had a smile on his face, his final offer
The steam on the mirror said, I got one more thing to say

I was watchin' TV, havin' one of mum's famous rice crispy treats
Watching Tom & Jerry, I heard a car, horn beeped
I ran to the window, his wife and son were home
With bags of stuff they had got at the mall
I went in my room and got my glove and ball
I leapt up the steps and asked his son could he play
And his son looked at his wife and his wife told his son I guess it'll be ok
That beautiful woman, she walked in that beautiful house
When I realised I forgot my hat I said I'll be right back and turned around

And he was layin'
In an overflowing bathtub of red water
The first and the last time he ever relaxed
And they said
He had a smile on his face, his final offer
The steam on the mirror said, I got one more thing to say

There was screaming, there was crying
There was silence, I thought I was dreamin'
And the sun was shining, it was a beautiful day
His wife was talking to an officer, through the noise I heard her say

And he was layin'
In an overflowing bathtub of red water
The first and the last time he ever relaxed
And they said
He had a smile on his face, his final offer
The steam on the mirror said

And he was layin'
In an overflowing bathtub of red water
The first and the last time he ever relaxed
And they said
He had a smile on his face, his final offer
The steam on the mirror said

And he was layin'
In an overflowing bathtub of red water
The first and the last time he ever relaxed
And they said
He had a smile on his face, his final offer
The steam on the mirror said, I got one more thing to say


Mad World - Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one new me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world


Here Without You - 3 Doors Down

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me



Welcome To My Life - Simple Plan

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life


Broken - Seether ft. Amy Lee

I wanted you to know
That I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high
And steal your pain
Away
I'd keep your photograph
Cause I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Because I'm broken
When I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right
When you're gone away

You've gone away
You dont feel me here
Anymore

The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high
And steal my pain
Away
There's so much left to learn
And noone left to fight
I wanna hold you high
And steal your pain

Because I'm broken
When I'm open
And I don't feel like
I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken
When I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right
When your gone away


Because I'm broken
When I'm open
And I don't feel like
I am strong enough
Because I'm broken
When I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right
when your gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here
Anymore


Down In A Hole - Alice In Chains

Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb...in bloom

Down in a hole and I dont know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You dont understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be

Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied

Down in a hole and theyve put all
The stones in their place
Ive eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty
Of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more
Of my feelings beneath

Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

Bury me softly in this womb
Oh I want to be inside of you
I give this part of me for you
Oh I want to be inside of you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers (oh I want to be inside of you)
In a tomb...in bloom
Oh I want to be inside...

Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, outta control
Id like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied


The Drugs Don't Work - The Verve

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down

And I hope you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

But I know I'm on a losing streak
'Cause I passed down my old street
And if you wanna show, then just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

'Cause baby, ooh, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

'Cause baby, ooh, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

But if you wanna show, just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again

I'm never going down, I'm never coming down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
I'm never coming down, I'm never going down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
(Repeat and Fade Out)


Love Itself - Leonard Cohen (Not on playlist)

The light came through the window,
Straight from the sun above,
And so inside my little room
There plunged the rays of Love.

In streams of light I clearly saw
The dust you seldom see,
Out of which the Nameless makes
A Name for one like me.

I’ll try to say a little more:
Love went on and on
Until it reached an open door –
Then Love Itself
Love Itself was gone.

All busy in the sunlight
The flecks did float and dance,
And I was tumbled up with them
In formless circumstance.

I’ll try to say a little more:
Love went on and on
Until it reached an open door –
Then Love Itself
Love Itself was gone.

Then I came back from where I’d been.
My room, it looked the same –
But there was nothing left between
The Nameless and the Name.

All busy in the sunlight
The flecks did float and dance,
And I was tumbled up with them
In formless circumstance.

I’ll try to say a little more:
Love went on and on
Until it reached an open door –
Then Love itself,
Love Itself was gone.
Love Itself was gone.