Sunday, April 19, 2009

WE DID IT!

Ok, we'd been talking about this for awhile now... or, actually LONGER than a while.

It was actually one of the first things we talked about, in the early days while the relationship was still forming.

At that time, a mobius had been designated as "our" symbol, due to the meaning behind it, and the fact that we had both played with them at various times and found them fascinating.

Throughout the relationship, references have been made to the mobius... once James even writing the equation on a note card and putting it in my lunch bag, without me knowing about it, as a surprise for me when I got into my bag.





James had also asked for something to cover up his swastika on his hand. It was no longer something that held the original meaning for him. He got it covered up with something that has more meaning to him.



So, my train of thought then went to astrological compatibility, and what's funny, is this is actually pretty accurate, but he's almost a completely typical scorpio.

Scorpio with Capricorn



When Scorpio and Capricorn make a love match, they get an opportunity to not only enjoy a loving relationship and learn the value of being a pair, but also to grow and mature as individuals. These two may be wary about sharing themselves with one another at first, and this emotional caution may dampen the initial impact of this relationship. These two tend to be a bit cautious (Capricorn) and pensive (Scorpio), and it takes a while for them to feel comfortable with a significant other. Though they may be shy of getting involved and not the quickest to trust and share, these two Signs will discover that they can have quite a profound connection - one of friendship and deep loyalty. Scorpio is a strong individual, an extremely good friend, a formidable enemy, and prone to intense likes and dislikes. Scorpio lives in the world of black and white. Scorpio has little time for superficial people, places or things. In romance or business or both, this is a powerful combination, one of the best matches in the Zodiac. You have a comfortable and easy affection between you, as if you already know each other well. And, if Mars and Venus favour you, the bedroom will be steamy.

The Goat provides a key element that is difficult to find, a partner you can rely on. Thus, Scorpio you'll be tempted to reveal yourself in all your seductive and passionate glory. For a proud and secretive creature, this is a risk. This relationship requires trust and commitment. The Scorpion often likes to taste the whole banquet of life, where the Goat will be more conservative. But, if you two declare loyalty, you'll be an unstoppable force. Scorpio prefers deep commitment, deep conversation and deep thoughts. If Scorpio can't tell it like it is, Scorpio prefers to keep quiet. It should be mentioned that Scorpio has quite a few secrets. Scorpio has forgiveness issues that tend to make personal relationships challenging. Much can be learned when a Scorpio and Capricorn get together - and the lessons they learn, while difficult at times to endure, are worth the trouble they might cause. From their stable, capable Capricorn mate, Scorpio can learn to bring their overheated emotions into control. Capricorn must be careful, though, not to seem too emotionally shallow when levelling any criticism on their sensitive love. Detached comments can backfire with Scorpios: They desire depth, intense feeling and the utmost in sincerity in all situations -- most especially in love! Capricorn, so busy with achieving and with how others perceive them sometimes fails to take a chance with their emotions. From Scorpio, Capricorn will learn the value of looking below the surface of things, the rich pleasure that can come from deeply knowing another person. Both Signs share a love of committing to a task. If they decide a relationship is their next big goal to attain, there's no stopping these two.

Remember that the Goat will have no patience with a Scorpion that wants to play the field. Unleash the fanatical desire that lurks in your depths and the goatish one will soak it up. Mars and Pluto rule the Scorpion. Conservative Saturn rules the Goat. You can both approach things with determination and realism. Neither of you is scared of tin tacks! You share a mutual sense of reserve, but each of you will secretly enjoy the fact your other half can penetrate the mystery. Watch that a tendency to jealousy and possessiveness on both sides doesn't get out of proportion, for both your signs will exact revenge. The Scorpion and the Goat who fall out will need good lawyers. Scorpio has proven the ability to hold on. Scorpio's staying power is second to none. Now Scorpio needs to learn to let go. Every day Scorpio needs to find something to sell, give away, throw out or burn. If Scorpio wants to get the most out of life, Scorpio needs to let go of old crap, literally, figuratively, and most of all, psychologically.

Essentially, you're cautious, steadfast and reserved. Even as a child, your personality was probably mature for your years. With any luck your life will get better and your responsibilities will become more to your liking as you mature. We all have our cycles, and you have one that is sure and steady to the top. You only fail when you give up. Never, never, never, never, never give up. You were made for management and leadership. Your ambitions are only limited by your self-esteem. Planning and work will pay off. Be sure to ask for a fair price for your efforts. If you negotiate beforehand, you eliminate problems that may otherwise occur. The elemental Water of Scorpio is well matched with the Goat's Earth. You can both be practical and share your feelings, but you may have to watch getting bogged down. Keep things fresh. Scorpio can help the more reserved Goat open up new depths of feeling. In return, the Goat brings practical assistance and a companionship that lifts you to determined and constructive action.

The Planets Mars and Pluto rule Scorpio, and the Planet Saturn rules Capricorn. Mars and Pluto represent aggression, courage, sexual energy, rebirth and renewal. Saturn teaches the great lessons in life -- hard work, diligence, ambition and responsibility. These three Planets can combine in the Signs to form an industrious union bound by Scorpio's fierce emotion and Capricorn's ambitious action. This is a dynamic team for business, sure, but they all that achieving energy could translate well to affection and love. You're a Fixed Sign, Scorpio, brimming with loyal determination and you're drawn to make the best use of joint resources. The Goat is a Cardinal Sign and is ambitious. Goats love control, but point out to them the most effective way to do something and they'll always give you a hearing. As long as you discuss plans, all will be well. Share your secrets. Don't hold back from the Goat. Capricorns can be strangely canny if you're hiding something. The two of you can be happy in family, business or romance. Under the right stars, this can be a long lasting and successful union. It's powerful, exciting and enduring.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

More BS

So I'm sitting at my dad's today in between visits. I get a text message from Cheyenne stating that Dan sent her a nasty text message. She forwarded it. It said ''Stay out of mine and my kids life and i will forget you skipped out on a lease on me. Understand? Cease contact now permanently.''

It still blows me away that the communication with her is so distressing to him. I asked him why he still felt he had the right to control me and make decisions about who I communicate with, but I haven't heard anything.

It's just so frustrating. I don't know it it'll ever be any different...

I think the question that I keep asking myself is if I'm allowing the contact because I know that it'll piss him off. I know that there are no ''best interests of the kids'' things there, and if I thought that there were, I would stop it immediately. Both Chloe and Calli have said that they want Cheyenne to go to the school music concert on Monday, and she is planning on going, and will probably join us for a meal afterward. I honestly see no harm in that at all.

I was surprised that he actually agreed to watch the kids one night so James and I could go to a Rehab show in Chicago. The parenting agreement states that if childcare is needed, it would be offered to the other parent first. So, I asked him if he wanted to watch them the night of the concert. I actually fully expected him to decline, thinking that he would be doing it for ME. He actually said that he wanted them that night, and would keep them overnight. Now I just have to buy tickets and decide if I can manuver Chicago traffic... YIKES!

Last night, in true James fashion, after reading my blog, he asked me if the fact that Dan had given his girlfriend a promise ring was why I decided to finally order the ones that we had been talking about for months. I said no, and I'm still saying no, although it did prompt me to think about it more to see if I really MEANT no. I love the fact that he wants me to do things for the right reasons, and not just because I think I should, or because I think that's what he wants, or because I feel like I have to keep up with someone else.

Thank you for questioning me.

Just Venting

Grrr...

I always feel like I bitch about Dan and his effect that he continues to have on my life, namely in the arena of frustration.

I hear from his ex, who he still talks to, that he was planning on introducing the children to his girlfriend, but not telling them who she was. Now, he had agreed to wait until he was in a committed relationship for 90 days with a person before introducing them to the kids. The girls have met too many of his former girlfriends, formed bonds with them, then they are suddenly out of his life, and theirs.

Well, I wrote a note, so I couldn't be accused of "attacking" him. It said that I'd heard what he had planned, and that I was advising against it because it went against the parenting agreement. He then said that he'd never signed anything. I reminded him that I had it in writing on messenger that he HAD agreed to it. He then began making excuses about how he'd KNOWN her since January. I knew that Cheyenne, the ex before that, had lived with him up until the first week of February, at least off and on, so then I asked him if he was cheating on Cheyenne. He said that Cheyenne broke up with him five times in January, and between break-ups he was dating this new one.

Turns out, he was planning on introducing the girls to her this weekend, as he is planning on moving in with her in the next few weeks. He has given her a "promise ring" (although, what adult male does this, especially when in prior relationships he'd always claimed that he thought it was a "stupid practice").

I am SO uncomfortable with this, seriously. Not because I give a shit what he does, but for several other reasons:

1. Once again, the girls are going to be introduced to a person that he has known for only a few months. I know that this has been hard on the girls, and he seems to want to do everything in his power to make it harder.

2. Total disregard for agreed-upon parenting practices, yet when he's called-out on it, all there are, are excuses.

3. An adult woman who cannot see that his personal instability, as well as rushing head-first into relationships, is unhealthy, probably has some things to deal with herself.

I have invited one former girlfriend to spend some time with the girls, with US, and he's adamantly objecting to it, saying that he believes that she's unstable. I tried to explain to him that if she is spending time with the girls as OUR friend, how is that promoting instability in their lives? He just doesn't seem to be able to comprehend the difference between HIS relationship with her, and ours. He had no problems with said individual babysitting Calli while he was at work.

I would push for reduced visitation, but I know the girls enjoy seeing him. Chloe is in therapy though, and I explained to the therapist my concerns, and he wants to see her as soon as possible after a weekend visit with her father. So, we've set up the appointments through the first week of June, and we'll see what happens. I know this therapist through working with him with some of the families that I work with through Family Focus, and hopefully if he honestly feels that there's a concern for long term mental health and well-being, he will bring that to me. I actually requested that Dan and I BOTH do parenting assessments, and Dan has refused.

I can't help but let this frustrate me.

I wish it wouldn't.

I know it doesn't do any good to try to reason with him, and never will.

Every time I communicate with him in ANY capacity, I see so many signs of the narcissism now, that it's ridiculous, and I wonder why I didn't see it before.

On to more important things...

I registered Calli for kindergarten the other day. Well, took her in for "round-up". She is excited, although I think she was under the mistaken impression that she got to start school sooner. I actually had to leave, so James stayed there with her, and they walked home afterward. He said that it was an anxiety-causing and a prideful moment, all rolled into one.

Alexis and Chloe are now in the orchestra. Alexis has chosen to play the Viola, Chloe the Violin. They've both only gone twice, but they like it. Chloe has always been musical. At first she was afraid to try, because she was afraid that she would fail. I encouraged her, and she's really enjoying practicing. We're going to a symphony concert on Mother's Day at Bethel because the South Bend Youth Orchestra is playing with the South Bend Orchestra, and the director wanted the kids to see that kids CAN and DO play well. It'll be a nice Mother's Day gift to me, to enjoy that with my family.

Speaking of rings, James and I have ordered "commitment bands". I know, I know, just up there I'd talked about promise rings being stupid, but it's not really a promise ring, because it doesn't symbolize anything in the future. It's a symbol of our commitment to each other NOW. I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to get married again. I can't say at this point that I won't though. If we DO get married, we'll use the same rings, just get them inscribed with something. Right now, James is OK either way, which is amazing to me...

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I...

I am moody.
I brood.
I am self-defeating.
I contemplate, a lot.
I am jealous.
I sleep too much sometimes.
I am selfish.
I am a pessimistic idealist.


Yet, in spite of these things, nay, BECAUSE of these things I am me.

And I am loved.

"Sometimes you just love someone. Not because they're good, or bad, or anything really, you just love them. And they love you. Sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it." -Laurell K. Hamilton

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Enough...

After redundant and repetitive e-mails with Dan going around and around and around the same things, with nothing being resolved, I decided to do some YouTubeing.

I found this.

I think this is all I need to say for tonight.

Amanda Marshall - Believe in You

Somewhere there's a river
Looking for a stream
Somewhere there's a dreamer
Looking for a dream
Somewhere there's a drifter
Trying to find his way
Somewhere someone's waiting
To hear somebody say

I believe in you
I can't even count the ways
That I believe in you
And all I want to do
Is help you to believe in you

Somewhere someone's reaching
Trying to grab that ring
Somewhere there's a silent voice
Learning how to sing
Some of us can't move ahead
We're paralyzed with fear
And everybody's listening
'Cause we all need to hear

I believe in you
I can't even count the ways that
I believe in you
And all I want to do
Is help you to believe in you

I will hold you up
I will help you stand
I will comfort you
When you need a friend
I will be the voice that's calling out

I believe in you
And I can't even count the ways
That I believe in you
And all I want to do
Is show you I believe in you
And there are just so many ways
That I believe in you
Baby what else can I do
But believe in you
I believe in you
All I want to know is you believe
Believe in you



Sunday, April 5, 2009

Step Four

So, I was doing step four in my 10 days to self-esteem book. It's about healthy expression of emotion vs. unhealthy. The premise in the step is to recognize that emotions are not wrong, but some ways of expressing them are. I was reading the chart about anger, and it seems that when James and I fight, we both express anger unhealthily.

But... then, me being me, I analyzed it. We'd discussed before how we know each other's weak spots. We know what stings, because we're able to read each other very well. I KNOW why he acts and reacts the way he does. Maybe not the base causes, the root problems (although if I ventured to guess, I'd probably be close to right), but the reasoning behind those thoughts. We'd also talked, before we were even together, that when we fought, it would either end immediately in laughter, or go on forever.

He called that one right on the nose.

So, I continued to look at those expressions... and the thing is, while they're initially unhealthy, they turn into healthy expressions, if you could call it that. Some of the things that are said in anger are now inside jokes, placed at precisely the right time in tense situations to ease the tension, or just because it fits.

We'll fight for days sometimes, only to take short reprieves to recharge and do it again. It gets intense sometimes. The thing is, we fight till the death of the issue. We might go around and around, but we resolve it, and I think it's because it's resolved, things that were said don't hurt. Things get resolved, so there is no "scorecard". Past issues aren't brought up and rehashed, because they've been resolved, so they no longer ARE issues. Sometimes new ones come up, those "that's annoying, but not annoying enough to piss me off now", but sure are annoying tenfold when you're angry with someone. Those get resolved too.

That's the biggest difference in arguments in this relationship and my last. Things ARE resolved. Before, there would be an argument, someone would need to leave for work, or he would leave because he got frustrated. Once we were face to face again, I was expected to have forgotten all about it, and if I brought it up, I was immature for still being angry.

James welcomes the anger. Not to say that he elicits anger purposely (although sometimes I wonder... haha), he wants to get it out. He'd rather know about those little things, before they become big things. That's something that I need to work on, that I'm not so great at doing. He's helping me though, even if it's a remark that could be taken as innocent, he'll dissect it with me, question it (sometimes to the point of exhaustion and annoyance), and then question it again to make sure that it wasn't something said to be a hint at something more. Sometimes it is.

One of the other reasons I think that we're comfortable expressing that anger to each other is that we both KNOW that we both have anger that needs to get out, that the other didn't necessarily cause. I relate it to the behavior of a child, actually. You have to have someone you can vent to, to take the brunt of your anger, and know that it's safe to do so. You know that that person is going to take it, and will probably give it back, but it's not going to change their feelings for you. They actually allow you to process what happened, the argument with them, after the argument.

It's nice not having perceived transgressions from years earlier (OK, we don't have years, but you get the jist) hurled at you out of nowhere, because there was never a conclusion to that argument.

I enjoy being able to freely express myself without feeling like if I disagree, that I'm wrong. Having it be understood that there is more than one way of thinking, that life itself is not black and white. There are as many opinions as there are colors, and being free to express each and every one of them, without criticism that my opinion is wrong, is amazing. Yeah, we've had lively debates, and things have even gotten heated, but, in the end, we're both able to realize that each other's opinion is valid.. and also that it can be used against you, if necessary, to prove a point.

I enjoy the banter. I enjoy being challenged to think. I enjoy having my morals and values and ethics questioned and played upon. Only through questioning those, can anything change and new ideas be formed. Through examining your own morals and beliefs, it tests the strength of them and lays the foundation for new beliefs and values.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Finding My Inner Mechanic

So, I've become quite the self-help book junkie lately. It's funny. I'd never really read or used them before. I knew they could be helpful, but didn't really look at is like something I thought I could do. I now realize that I need a lot of work on myself. Yeah, I should have done it years ago... but I didn't.

So, I'm participating in one of the "assignments" in the book, which was to write out a brief life story. It didn't necessarily have to be memoir-type or anything, but a brief life history, narrative style. I've gotten far from brief. Once I start writing, I just keep writing, and keep writing, and keep writing, until I have to stop.

Nobody knows about this life story yet, and this may be the only mention of it... although now that it's been mentioned, James will want to read it.

It's not done yet. I'm still in the teen years. I have a lot to write about. The only reason I even mention this is because writing all this information out, I realize that even at a young age, I was sending out all kinds of distress signals... Realizing this is what made me realize that Chloe probably needs to see a therapist. I'd always brushed it off because Chloe's personality has always been more challenging, but the other day I saw just how much fear and anxiety she has, and realized that is probably also why she lashes out. James said that's what happens to him when he's in a crowd and feels cornered, etc. Hopefully, getting Chloe in to see someone will be helpful to her.

I know that I'll need to go eventually myself... I wanna do as much work as I can on myself first though.

I know that I said that I was going to continue with the narcissistic thing here about Dan. I'm probably not going to revisit that and finish it up. For one, it was emotionally exhausting, reliving all those memories and hurt feelings and just simply feelings of WTF? Secondly, I felt like, when I was writing that, that I was justifying to myself why I stayed with him. I don't need to justify that. The fact of the matter is, I DID stay with him.. for a long time...

Anyway, my time here is almost done. I stopped in at a library computer to use Word and had some time left over, so I figured I'd pop on here and blog this... that, and I'm on a Mac, which feels weird, and is just different enough to be annoying. The keyboard is WEIRD... and where the hell is the processor actually AT on this thing?