Wow. Just. Wow.

So I was at Borders yesterday browsing. I was actually looking for another book that I had read about, but Borders didn't have. I scan the shelves and see a book called Narcissistic Lovers. James had always semi-jokingly stated that he felt that Dan was a narcissist. Curious, I picked up the book.

I open up the book and read the first few paragraphs of the first chapter. It was like the wind was knocked out of me. THIS HAD BEEN MY RELATIONSHIP!!!

I bought the book.

Laying in bed last night, I was talking to James about the book while reading it. I said that I believed both Dan AND Jeff to be narcissists, and more than likely my mother. I said that it made sense because narcissists tend to breed co-dependents, and I realized that I exhibited many of the traits of a co-dependent. He laughed, looked at me, and then laughed again. I knew that laugh and look. He didn't even need to say that I had just stated something that he had already figured out for himself, probably long ago.

I cannot even explain the feeling of knowing that someone loves and accepts you, warts and all. Someone who has seen things in you that would cause others to pull away, or to point out faults, or to take advantage... and doesn't. The knowledge that there's someone who is willing to be the brunt of my anger caused by inner turmoil, and tell me over and over again that they would take it, a million times worse than it is, every day of their life, if it would ease an ounce of pain for me. I've never felt that I've deserved love, and over and over again in my relationships it's been proved, at least to me.

This book is the one thing that I have read that has seriously made me reflect on my past relationships, more than anything else. Now, it's also made me wonder if it's ME that's the narcissist, and that I'm absorbing the information as a way to absolve myself of responsibility for the relationship being over. However, as I was examining my OWN behavior, I realize that I myself was using the defense mechanisms of the individuals that I was with as a way to cope with their behaviors. The more and more I think about things, the more things I see that meet typical narcissistic behaviors in my past partners.

Narcissists are described as vampires. They take and take and take. They mimic the behaviors and opinions of those they are with, as they hate themselves so much, and idealize those that they want to be. People are seen as objects, a "supply", and when the supply is no longer useful, they look for "new supply".



Narcissists need to feel right all the time. When people disagree with them, narcissists don't see those disagreements as other opinions, they see them as direct attacks against their integrity

Dan eventually developed a "yes dear" attitude, but it was a sense of pride for him. He would brag about how he let me have my way all the time, when in reality, things never were resolved between us. This isn't typical narcissist behavior, but it was something that he used to elevate himself in his eyes. He saw that his brother behaved this way with his wife, and felt that it would be a way to be admired and respected with his peers. However, I later learned that he would outwardly agree with me, while inwardly telling himself that he was right.



Narcissists are disgusted by weakness, yet tend to create it in their partners

Both Dan and Jeff found my weaknesses and continually exploited them. They both made me insecure. They both made me question my self-worth and sanity. Dan's attitude toward me actually made me suicidal because I felt like I was doing so much damage to those around me, it would be best if I wasn't around to cause further damage.


Gaslighting behaviors

Many times, Dan would say things, and then reminded about them, he would deny it. He seemed so sincere in his blaming it on having a poor memory, or not having heard it in the first place due to hearing loss. He didn't even remember a situation in which he threatened to kill me, or the situation in which he said he would rather smash my face in with his guitar than sell it, even when reminded of time and setting. It was even THEN turned around to me with him saying "you know I have a bad memory" and getting pissed that I would insist that it was said.

Jeff was pretty good at this too. He once went to the county health department for an STD test. When he came home, he told me where he had gone, and that he was diagnosed with a yeast infection. He said that he hadn't told me that he had gone because if he had been diagnosed with an STD, he was going to go back to the apartment and throw me out. I realized later that he didn't tell me because he wanted to make sure that it wasn't an STD because he'd been cheating and didn't want me to know, so he wanted a diagnosis before telling me. He took my fuse out of my car to put in his, and when I told him that my fuse was missing, he dismissed it, although later I remembered that he had said that his car was missing a fuse. He would sit in the other room and tell me that I was ugly, just soft enough for me to not know for sure what was said, and when I asked him "what", he wouldn't repeat it, or deny saying anything. He would accuse me of cheating and produce "evidence" of same, which made me question my every move and if it could be construed as infidelity. He made me feel like I was paranoid and going crazy (which is the whole point of gaslighting).


Dropping current narcissistic supply for new supply

I'd always felt that Dan was loyal during our marriage, but looking back, he had some pretty reprehensible behaviors. I caught him on webcam with another woman. A couple of times a year he would bring up the possibility of swinging. He looked at porn a lot, even when our relationship was sexually healthy. Once I told him that I was unhappy, he held on for dear life, until he met someone else who was the "most amazing person" that he had ever met. After the separation, he continued on this route, rarely going without a partner, but quickly going from one to the other. I think the reason why he did stay with me for so long was because of his family's high value placed on marriage. He knew that he would be seen as a failure if the marriage ended, even if he could turn it around and blame it on me. So, in order to keep up the false self to outsiders, he chose to stick around and pretend that he was fighting for the relationship.

Jeff's trolling for new supply behaviors was pretty evident. He was rarely faithful, although he only admitted cheating once. There was a lot more evidence that it was happening more frequently than I can even recount, but I could never prove anything. I did once find a phone number of a girl he had been "seeing" off and on. I called it. She was in high school. He was 23. We were always getting prank phone calls. I heard from many people that he was cheating, but he would deny it, and say that that person was pissed off at him for whatever reason.


Tell stories about previous partners who were negative and demanding.

Dan never had anything positive to say about his previous partners, although they were actually very few. They all treated him badly, but he was always the one to supposedly end the relationship. He ended up talking about me in the same light to new partners, and described his previous partners to me and new partners the same way. Although he wanted others to believe these horrible things about his previous partners, he continued to use them for sex long after the relationships had ended.

Jeff always reported that his previous partner was abusive and controlling. He said she always cheated on him. That was the only previous relationship of his that I had ever heard about.


Denial of making statements, and then accusing me of twisting words

When I read this one, I was floored. I can't recall how many times in an argument that he accused me of twisting his words, when I was simply restating what he had said. He always blamed me for having to be right in an argument, and saying that I was manipulating the situation to make myself come out on top. Projection is a huge issue for the narcissist.


Narcissists tend to talk about childhood trauma like a badge of honor.

Dan was always talking about how awful his childhood was. He complained about how his parents would buy pizza on payday and then they would be eating crackers on Tuesday. He always claimed that his parents were ineffectual. He talked about abuse between the two of them and toward the kids. However, his blanket statement since we've split is "at least my parents are still together". This tells me that he was worried about how he was viewed, and the end of a marriage would mean that he made a mistake. He avoided his family when we first separated because he "didn't want to hear it", and even skipped a nephew's birthday party because he didn't want to hear what his family had to say.


Goes from relationship to relationship without pause for recovery.

Dan has definitely done this since the split. Jeff did this while still in relationships. I've done this too, in reality, although I had emotionally withdrawn from the marriage long before it was really over. I couldn't endure the pain anymore, and needed to retreat into myself.

Narcissists are unable to be themselves and feel like they'll still gain the acceptance that they need.

I think this is MY reason for staying in the relationship. I knew that people saw Dan as he wanted to be viewed. This means that they would have seen him as the "perfect" husband, the "perfect" parent, the successful salesman, the wonderful, loyal friend. I was afraid of what people would think when I decided to give that up. He had me so convinced that he was such a great person, superior in every way, that why would I even want to give that up? What would people think of me when I couldn't make a relationship work with this person who was perfect for me?

The narcissist becomes what the environment "needs" him to be. He also makes those around him into what he needs them to be.

I always told Dan that he didn't seem me for what I really was, only what he wanted and believed me to be. He never knew the true me. Granted, I hid it, but that's because when I did try to reveal it, it was ridiculed. I guess in some ways you can say that I acted like a narcissist myself. However, I KNEW that those feelings were there, and actually felt like I was less of a person for not being able to express myself. I did have a hard time letting out my feelings for a long time, and partially for the same reason as a narcissist... I didn't feel like my true self would be accepted. Maybe that's why the narcissistic behaviors that I see in myself manifested the way they did.

Narcissists view people as objects and are usually materialistic.


Dan was actually flattered when he ran into an old high school friend and told him who he had married. The friend replied "How did you get that? She's got a nice set of tits." He came home and immediately bragged to me that this person had said that. I was mortified and felt that he should have been angry about that statement. He then said that I was being immature for feeling that way. I was always accused of being immature. Dan was materialistic in regards to tech gadgets and computers and gaming consoles. He fought for a long time about leaving the second computer here, stating that he saw it as "his" simply because he had built it. He had developed an "affection" of sorts for an inanimate object that was fairly inconsequential and was rarely used once he built his new one for himself.

Jeff was extremely materialistic. Once he pretended to be poor so that a church would take him shopping for Christmas when he was a child. He was always buying things, and then easily tiring of them, and trading them for something else. He once sold the rims on my car, leaving it on blocks for weeks, when replacements at the junkyard were more expensive than what he had sold the old rims for. He always wanted the newest and greatest, yet tired of them and traded them in for something else.

Narcissists use the defense mechanism "devaluation". When threatened they devalue others.

When Dan and I's relationship was over, he began to devalue me even more. While when we were together it was mostly my emotions that were seen as stupid or immature, the entirety of our marriage was devalued many times by him. He gave his wedding ring to an ex-girlfriend to prove to her father that he was no longer vested in his marriage (and a few days later asked me if I wanted to try to work things out), he called me the "person I was fucking", told me that I owed him eight years and an education.

Narcissists mimic others to the point where they take others ideas and restate them as their own.

This happened most recently when my eye was injured. James had given a treatment protocol, as I was refusing to go to the hospital. He had told Dan what needed to be purchased. I got home from work and Dan told me what needed to be done, as if he had been the authority and had done the research himself. Many times when a new idea was suggested with the children, Dan would take credit for the idea or suggested changes.

He has an OK Cupid profile that I looked at. He has "This Perfect Day" by Ira Levin listed as his favorite book. To my knowledge, he's never read it. It's been my favorite book since I read it for the first time in Jr. High. When we met, he'd never read it, so if he has, it's been since he and I split.

Partners of the narcissist tend to see the inconsistencies first hand and therefore are more critical of them.


A lot of times I would call Dan out on his inconsistencies. I heard all the time that I needed to stop "psychoanalyzing" him. Rather than accept the idea that I may have insight, or it may even be a cue to consider that the behavior is irrational, he took it as an insult. I believe this is because I got a glimpse of his true self and his reasons for doing things, and he needed to retreat back into his inner world of denial.



Narcissists have a grandiose sense of self-importance. Often exaggerate achievements and expect to be recognized as superior.

This is actually a trait that I saw easily throughout the relationship. He had many business starts and never saw them as a failure, there was always an excuse as to why they never took off. He started so many jobs where he believed that he was to be made management right away. He would consistently bother the manager and complain at home that he was either passed over or was being put off and brushed aside. Never once did he consider that they began to see that he was not a good match for the position, he continued to say that he was complaining to the management and wasn't getting anywhere. He always believed that he was the greatest husband that anyone could ask for, not even noticing that I was unhappy until he was told outright, yet close friends can look at PICTURES of me from that time frame and see the sadness in my eyes... even those who didn't know what I was going through. Dan would often state that he was the "greatest computer builder in the area" and when I would ask him how he could be so sure, he just said that he didn't know anyone better than him. He was always talking about how good looking he was, and looking for reassurance of the same. He would often brag about people hitting on him. He was always bragging about how he was this amazing sexual partner, while being very sensitive about his sexuality. He almost constantly boasted about achievements, sometimes repeatedly.

Dan always thought that there was a lot of drama surrounding him, but he didn't cause any of it, nor was any of it his fault. He often blamed it on me, and if he acknowledged that it was someone else, it was never any fault of his.

He accused James and I of stalking him online, as well as people he was involved with. When asked for how he felt he was being stalked, his accusations were unfounded.

Narcissists assume that everyone thinks the same way that they do about things.

There were many occasions in which Dan had just said "I thought you felt the same way" when things were never discussed or a discussion had happened without conclusion.

Narcissists often play the martyr and talk about how much they have endured for the relationship. They make new partners think old partner was clingy and psychotic.

Dan made a friend online that I ended up talking to as well. She had been under the impression at the beginning of the end that I was simply a wife that wanted to cheat.

One of the women that he was sleeping with, Kris, he also confided in. Once, over the summer, she hit me up in my Fubar shoutbox and told me that I needed to be committed. This understandably upset me, as I was an emotional wreck due to what was currently going on in my life. I felt that if Dan had any respect for me as an individual, he would not have shared my issues with someone who I'd expressed years before to him that I did not like (although my reasons for not liking her were "immature" to him, so he didn't consider those feelings valid).

She has pursued a friend's boyfriend in high school. She began talking to Dan several years before we had separated. She continually invited him to her home to give her guitar lessons. It made me uncomfortable, and I asked him repeatedly to stop talking to her, but he didn't think that I have a good reason for him to stop, so he didn't, and told me I was being immature.

A somatic narcissist uses their body to obtain "supply" from others. They use their partner's bodies as tools for masturbation, brag about sexual conquests and are often hypochondriacs.

Dan was always highly sexual, which was one of the things that I first realized I was unhappy with. He constantly bragged about his sexual conquests, although they were few and far between when we had met. However, the first things I knew about his two serious ex's were how they performed in bed. He was very proud of his sexual "knowledge" and willingness to please. He was angry and took it as a personal insult if sex was not desired when he wanted it. He had bisexual tendencies, but made fun of others who were not completely heterosexual.

Most of our arguments revolved around sex.

One of our arguments was when he had reconnected with a person that he had been in prison with and that person seemingly wanted to continue the relationship that they had had in prison. They were communicating through Yahoo messenger and I read what had been sent to him. The man was obviously hitting on him, and while he didn't pursue anything, he never told the man that he was not interested. I have read that this is typical, since people are viewed as objects to adore them, it didn't matter the sex of the individual.

Another argument that came up through the marriage, even after it was far in the past was when we had gone to The Zoo in Elkhart. The song Short Dick Man would come on, and it was kind of "tradition" that the women would look at their men, hold their fingers close together, and sing the lyrics. This happened several times, and he was always extremely upset about it. I stopped doing it, although it was never meant to be an insult, as it was something done in fun. It was often brought up about how I would "embarrass" him in public and in front of my friends, and when asked for an example, this is the situation that was brought up.

Once the relationship had been stated to be over, and I told him that there was to be no intimacy, he often encouraged me to drink to that my resistance would be lowered and I would have sex with him.

When he started meeting other women, he ended up hooking up with the Kris woman mentioned above. He always claimed that he had gone over to her house in friendship, but she told him that she had had a crush on him in high school. He said that once he heard that, he felt like he had to sleep with her, although the previous day he had begged and begged me to reconsider the relationship. The rationality behind that reasoning seriously escapes me, but it makes a good example of how he feeds off of other people's praise and approval.

Unprotected sex with multiple partners also comes in here as a typical behavior of the narcissist, due to their feeling of "omnipotence".


Narcissists always claim to be "unlucky in love" and always choose the wrong partners. The end of relationships are not their doing. The former partner always has done something to cause the narcissist to end it.

Dan always had issues accepting that he may have done anything to end the relationship. The women (including me) always had too many issues for him to deal with. Everybody has issues but HIM.

Old supply is better than no supply.

Dan would often go back to former flings after our relationship was over. He returned to all of them actually, even after he had come back to this house and complained about their behavior toward him, even after he had put them down and called them names, he would often contact them and begin a relationship with them again, until someone new came along. He always stated that it was because he was such a "forgiving" person, that he could look past the awful things that people had done to him and continue to communicate with them.


they borrow their opinions and preferences and tastes from whomever strikes them as authoritative at the moment

I already stated that Dan claimed my favorite book as his own. Rather than do his own research on things, he asks others, then claims that his his opinion. He talked to the kids about how our house is "disgusting", although he lived in the same environment for several years (after my depression hit and I lost all motivation to do anything).


They often say that they don't remember things from the past, such as childhood events, their schooldays or old friends

Dan often stated that his first memory is his fifth birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. There are a few traumatic events that he has shared, but otherwise claims not to remember much until his teen years.

Narcissists lack a mature conscience and seem to be restrained only by fear of being punished or of damaging their reputations

Dan always claimed that I was immature. He often accused me of immature thought, without even considering the way that his actions really made me feel. I honestly feel now, after doing more research on NPD, that the ONLY reason he pushed for us to remain married was because he was afraid of the impact that it would have on his reputation to be divorced.



OK, there is a LOT of information here. I have actually marked off several more things in the book that I felt that I needed to address, for me. I am doing this at the suggestion of the book actually, to relate behaviors to narcissistic qualities in order to allow healing. This has been a rather calming experience, actually, because it's making me realize a few things.

One, that I wasn't the "crazy" one, although I won't deny that I exhibit signs of neuroses. I wasn't imagining being devalued and seen as a sex object.

Two, that I actually kind of feel sorry for Dan. Not sorry enough to try to forge even a friend relationship with him, as it is suggested that people provide narcissists with as little contact as possible, as they continue to "feed" of of one's emotions, long after the relationship has ended. It makes me feel bad though, that he will continue searching for his "ideal love" and will likely injure many people in the process.

Three, that expecting things from him is pointless. He will never realize that he needs to be able to look at things from a different perspective, because he will not acknowledge that there is anything with him that needs to be looked at. All I can do is provide the children with a stable home and hope to minimize the issues than can arise from being raised by a narcissist.


More in a day or so.

UP NEXT:

More characteristics of narcissism and personal experience.

Exploring my characteristics of co-dependency.

Exploring the issues created by being raised by a narcissistic mother (probably).