This and That

Once again, this blog has been kind of neglected. I've been working a lot of hours, as well as getting ready for the holiday celebration.

I'm not really sure what to call it, because I'm not necessarily celebrating the birth of Christ, because even if I believed that he was the savior, which I'm not sure I do, he likely wasn't born at the end of December. So, although I follow Christmas traditions, to me, the holiday is more about giving and family and creating things to give...

But anyway, I've been busy getting ready for it. I'm making most of the gifts for the adults, but I did go a little nuts for the kids. I think it was because a few months ago I wasn't sure that I'd be able to give them much, but I had the opportunity for a massive amount of overtime, so I was able to get them much of what they wanted. I know it's not all about what you can get, but it's so exciting to see them get excited about things on Christmas morning.

The girls had a Christmas concert for orchestra on Sunday and Alexis has a play and music concert on Tuesday. Chloe and Calli got perfect attendance awards.

UGH... that reminds me that Dan was there and the more I see from the outside, the more I realize why I felt the way I did, and didn't even realize it. When the girls got the perfect attendance awards, they were the only ones who got it for not missing any days. He was clapping and happy and told the guy that he was talking to that Chloe was his daughter. That pissed me off. Basically because I felt like he was taking credit for something that he had nothing to do with. He doesn't pay for the instrument rental, or pay for the cab to get Chloe home after practice when I can't pick her up, or make sure that Chloe has proper clothes for her concerts... BLAH. For some reason, this brought up a memory of one morning waking up feeling sick and asking Dan to get up with the kids and get them to school because I didn't think that I was going to work (and I hardly ever miss work, so for me to immediately decide upon waking that I probably wasn't going was a pretty good indicator that I felt near death) and his response was "No, because I don't get up until 9:00am and it's not 9:00 yet".

I really didn't want this to turn into a rant about Dan, but when I see him interacting with other people, or see his reactions to things, it's kind of enlightening as to why I felt the way I did for so long. He was also sitting talking to a man at another table, engaged in a long conversation with him, with his back turned completely to his girlfriend, with no effort made to include her in a conversation.

During the concert, Calli looked over at him and said "daddy's sleeping" and pointed to him. I looked over and sure enough, he appeared to be sleeping. All I could think of is "how freaking disrespectful".

Anyway, rather than turn this into a rant, which I didn't want to happen, I thought I would reflect on the positive changes that I've made in my life in the past year or so. Although, it was kind of difficult to do without some of those realizations in the situation. I actually feel like the things that I say are important, that people WANT to talk to me, and can actually be interested in what I say. I do sometimes forget to introduce James, out of bad habit really. I always feel horrible afterward.

It's just a reminder of how much I do enjoy my family as it is now. I feel so much more connected to the girls, even though I do work a lot and I'm not around as much as I would like. I know that they understand, and I make the effort to spend quality time with them.

It's funny. Not ha ha funny, but odd funny. A couple years ago, while I know that I loved the kids, they were just one of those kind of things that were there, that were my responsibility to do right by. I never felt a deep connection to them though. A few weeks ago, when I was working a LOT, I was not going to be home before the girls left for the weekend. I hadn't gotten up with them that morning because I had been up late the night before and I didn't need to work early and I hadn't had a time to sleep in for awhile. All day that day, I had this feeling of dread and deep sorrow. Not like something horrible had happened, but all day I was aware of the fact that my children were leaving for two days and I wasn't going to be able to say goodbye to them. Luckily, they requested to stay home until I got home and Dan didn't argue that fact and I got to give them some cuddles and kisses before they left, but it was a feeling that was unfamiliar. The connection with the girls has deepened to a level that had not existed before. I think it's been great for all of us.

Now it's time to look at how the house is going to be arranged to actually get it cleaned up and manageable. There are piles everywhere, and the problem is, there doesn't seem to be anywhere to put anything. If only there were more closets. Really, some things just need to be gotten rid of, but some things need kept and rearranged. Sometimes I just wish I had the funds to tear this place down and rebuild it. I love the location (although I'd honestly prefer to live a little further from my mother), but really don't like the house much. Maybe someday...

As for my mother, I pretty much avoid her, except when necessary. I put on a happy face and associate with her if she calls. I just can't handle her critical nature at this point in my life, and really don't want to. I went over there the other day because my grandma gave her money to get the girls gifts, and she wanted me to take it to get the gifts for them. While I was there we ended up in an argument over the girls wearing socks... SOCKS! I don't usually wear socks, except for in the coldest part of winter. I just don't like the way that they make my feet feel inside of shoes. They get wet, and sweaty, and irritate my feet, and get lumpy, and it's just more comfortable without them. I've never pushed for the girls to wear socks. I told mom that they have them available, but I wasn't going to force them to wear them, as I wasn't going to argue over socks. I got to hear about how socks were more hygenic, and how socks would keep their feet warm in the winter, and blah, blah, blah. I told her that if their feet got too cold, then I imagine that they would eventually choose to wear socks, otherwise, it wasn't something I was going to worry about. Who would have thought that socks would cause an argument?

Maybe it's the difference in parenting styles. She was the inconsistent, authoritative and kind of terrifying. I'm more interested in allowing the children to learn things on their own, as long as the learning process isn't going to be damaging or hurtful... and well, sometimes hurtful is OK too, depending on the kind and severity. It's sometimes hard as a parent to sit and watch your children hurt and struggle, but isn't that what makes us all stronger? Isn't part of being a parent not eliminating those struggles, but being there to support your children through them, even if you saw them coming from a mile away? That's what I see as true parenting.

Well, I wanted to be in bed an hour ago, but I hardly ever make it to bed at my goal times, unless of course I fall asleep on the couch and refuse to go upstairs to sleep because I'm too damn comfy on the couch, although I know that I'd be MORE comfortable in bed, but those stairs seem like such an insurmountable struggle...

Night.