Letter To My Mother

Hello hypocrite.

What, exactly, gives you the right to encourage my child to lie and disobey, and then criticize the life I lead?

What gives you the right to judge someone based on your limited view of the world?

All my life I have struggled to seperate myself from you. Decisions I have made, were probably partially made because I knew you disapproved. Yet, I have continued to seek your approval. I've never had it.

I've always been made to feel like what I do isn't good enough. My grades weren't good enough. My hobbies and interests were a waste of time. I was too fat. I wasn't cheerful and bubbly enough. I didn't have enough friends. I had too many friends. I worked too hard. I didn't work hard enough. My yard is too messy. I don't make enough money. My kids are too loud.

It seems every time I allow myself to attempt a relationship with you, to think maybe it will be different, it ends the same.

So yeah, I've made mistakes. Plenty of them. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be human. I wouldn't be learning and evolving and doing things to correct those mistakes.

Well, fuck you. If you hadn't been so concerned with the way people saw me as a reflection of you, you may have seen that something in my life was wrong. You may have bothered to notice that I was a shell. Was suicidal. Lacked emotion. Maybe you would have asked about it. I was so wanting someone to reach out. Too bad it wasn't you. I have a feeling though, if you'd bothered to ask, if I'd been comfortable enough to tell you, you would have told me I was being overly dramatic and blowing things out of proportion.

Now I'm living for myself. Now I'm happy. Now I can focus on what is most important in my life. Sadly, that really doesn't include you.

Funny that you say James doesn't deserve me... And the first thing you mention is his weight. You think he doesn't know he's a big guy? I mean, come on, you can't miss it. He's not delusional about it. He lives in reality. So, you list off a plethora of health problems that he has. You know this how? He comes from a long line of huge men, all who lived well into their 90's. You judge him based on a t-shirt that talks about farting. A t-shirt I bought him because I thought it was funny. Sorry, I have a vulgar sense of humor. Fuck that, no, I'm not sorry. I enjoy my sense of humor and so do many other intelligent people. People who realize that life isn't serious... and that life is for living.

Funny that other people have bothered to get to know him despite his crass exterior, or even say that there must be an amazing man inside that crass exterior, because he has someone like me loving him.

You judge my parenting skills because my kids are allowed to get dirty while playing in their own yard. Because they are allowed to play in the hose. Because they swing in a summer rain. Because I let them be kids.

However, despite my shitty and irresponsible parenting, my daughter made a good decision. Despite the fact that she was encouraged to lie and disobey what she had already been denied, by an adult who she loves and trusts, she decided to do what was expected of her.

So, for all your complaints about me and how horrible of a person I am, I am raising a child with a strong moral compass. A child who doesn't bend to the pressure to do the wrong thing. A child who is able to think through the consequences of her actions, and in the end makes the right choice.

So fuck you.