Dan came to pick up the girls today. They had picked out a few toys and books to take to his house with them so that they have something to do there. He was in a huge hurry for some reason, and he was already mad that instead of sitting inside waiting patiently for him, they had gone outside to ride bikes. They noticed that he was here and they came in on their own. He hurriedly told them to give me hugs and kisses and go. He didn't even give them time to do it before he shoves them out the door. He was on his way out the door when I asked him to hold on for a second, and grabbed the toys and books that the girls had gathered up. He started yelling that he was in a hurry, and then went on this spiel about how I tell him that he can't inconvenience me and has to adhere to my timetable, but I always want to inconvenience him. I was standing up at this point to hand him the toys and books that were right there next to me when he went on that the things should have been gathered up and ready and waiting for him when he got there. I yelled at him that I was just trying to catch him before he ran out the door and that the stuff was gathered up. I think what pisses me off the most was that the stuff WAS gathered up, it was all within arm's reach, I just needed to get it to him before he rushed out the door. He was also trying to hand me back Chloe's picture order form for her school pictures tomorrow because he looked at the prices and said that he couldn't afford any. I reminded him that she would need it tomorrow then, and he seemed all disgusted that he was going to have to hold on to it.
I was at work at Prairie City today at came across a book that was about healing after one person in the marital unit had an affair. I was flipping through it to judge the condition, and it actually opened to a page on suppressed emotions. The description of someone who deals with suppressed emotions, and what they did was identical to the way that I've felt for a long time. One statement in the book matched me exactly. It said that people continue to try to share their emotions with the other individual, just wanting to be understood, but end up instead feeling invalidated. That was a huge part of why I didn't enjoy the relationship, because I ALWAYS felt invalidated, and yes, I emotionally shut down, and the resulting actions on my part were entirely normal. It was just kind of, empowering, to know that the things that I had been feeling weren't out of the ordinary, although I've been told for awhile now that they're not.
I got a call yesterday from Family Focus, they said that they'd had some questions about my resume. I was working at the indoor last night, so I didn't get around to calling them, so I did this morning. They wanted to ask why I was currently on the job market. I explained that I had been fired from my last position because I had some personal things going on, as well as working on school. I said that my marriage had fallen apart, and I'd been working part time jobs since then, that I wanted to get myself straight before I got back into the professional world. I know that personal stuff shouldn't be shared at job interviews, but I also knew that I needed to be honest and let them know what had happened. It also let me know that I'm OK talking about my failures now, because I know that it happens to others as well, and well, it's just life. They asked about driving record, if I knew what the position entailed, and compensation. The last question caught me off guard, and I probably sold myself short, so at the interview next week, if I'm offered the job, I'll ask about evaluation periods and raises and such. They also asked about the completion of my MSW. I said that it'll be probably a year before I go back for it, but she mentioned then that I could then be a therapist, once I have my degree, and said that they always need therapists. So, the interview is next week at 9am Central time (the office is located in Michigan City, but from what I understand, I wouldn't be expected to go there every day). Keep your fingers crossed for me! I have about four weeks left on unemployment, and although it's been extended nicely because of the part-time jobs I've had, I'm worried about it running out.
I just finished making chili, and it was really hot. I'm pretty excited that it got hot though, because I used some chilis that I bought at a farm stand and dehydrated. I put way too much in there, so obviously they're really hot. Nice and spicy.
Jodi and I are going tonight to go grocery shopping for the camping trip. We talked about the things that we thought that we should get a little bit earlier today. She's borrowing tents from her mom, because her mom has nicer ones than either she or I do. I'm so looking forward to this weekend.
It's kind of funny, because yesterday at work I found a book that was going to be recycled about camp cooking, and then today I found one that was going to be recycled about geocashing. I also got a ton of books for the girls over the past two days. Stacks, seriously. They are always so happy when I come home with books for them, and then they sit and spend time looking through them.
I need to get off of here though, because I want to gather up some of the things that we're taking camping with us, so I can throw them in Jodi's work truck, and then take Alexis to Girl Scouts. I'm working on dehydrating some bacon to take. It's really good though, so I can guarantee that I'm going to eat at least a piece tonight when I take it off the dehydrator. I think that we'll probably get at least one more package of bacon, and there's time to dehydrate it tomorrow.
I love that dehydrator. There's so many things to do with it...LOL
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Stupid Dog!
I was going to go upstairs and go to bed, since James is passed out on the couch WAITING for me to go to bed, but then I remembered that it was trash day tomorrow, which actually led to the thought that the family has generated exactly ONE, yes ONE bag of trash this entire week that needed to go out tonight. At least we're reducing our footprint :D It's kind of funny, because when Dan was here, there was at least a bag of trash a day, sometimes two. I've been racking my brain to try to figure out what's different. Yes, we make more food from scratch and use less prepared foods, by far. We drink a lot less soda and a lot more kool-aid. He used to complain that when he bought groceries he would spend 140.00 a week when we can easily get by on 50-60, but then when baking supplies were asked for, he also said that it cost him an additional 20 bucks, when we've got the same stuff, or seen it, for less than three dollars combined.
Anyway, the reason for this was because Emma got out while I was taking out trash, because I didn't even think about her being out of her kennel this late at night, and I had to wait for her to decide to come back home. She just did.
Quick update on other things though. Chloe and Alexis got their mid-term reports the other day, as well as their DEIBELS testing results. Chloe has missed exactly two points on graded work so far this year. She's got 100 percent in Math and 99.87 percent in English. She's also reading at 2.3 level, which is the equivalent of a second grader in the third month of school. She wants to read, a lot, but I think she has a hard time finding things that she's interested in reading.
Alexis isn't doing as well, but she's also hitting that "stage" where she hates school. She usually has a fairly large homework load at night. She always has math homework, and there are usually a few other things in there. She's never been as good of a student as Chloe has shown to be though. She's smart, just unmotivated.
I know that it's been mentioned before, but it's CAMPING WEEKEND. The girls are getting excited, and quite honestly, so am I. We've been planning this trip practically since our last one in July, and it's finally here. Not only do I get to go and spend time with family, but I actually get a weekend off. Well, mostly, as I have to be in to the mini-golf at 4:00, and then work concessions that night.
I started reading Twilight, just because I wanted to see what all the hype was about. I have to say, the story is interesting, but the author isn't that good of a writer. It's not like there are things that don't make sense or anything, but she uses WAY too many adjectives, and not in the Stephen King or Dean Koontz kind of way. She uses too many words to describe dialog. It almost gets annoying, but you can't stop reading because the story IS interesting.
Speaking of, I think I'm going to head up to bed now, because Emma actually came in when I first started writing, but since I started, I didn't want to stop... and I have a critic reading over my shoulder correcting my screwed up grammar and typos, so I have to go and kick some butt.
Nite.
Anyway, the reason for this was because Emma got out while I was taking out trash, because I didn't even think about her being out of her kennel this late at night, and I had to wait for her to decide to come back home. She just did.
Quick update on other things though. Chloe and Alexis got their mid-term reports the other day, as well as their DEIBELS testing results. Chloe has missed exactly two points on graded work so far this year. She's got 100 percent in Math and 99.87 percent in English. She's also reading at 2.3 level, which is the equivalent of a second grader in the third month of school. She wants to read, a lot, but I think she has a hard time finding things that she's interested in reading.
Alexis isn't doing as well, but she's also hitting that "stage" where she hates school. She usually has a fairly large homework load at night. She always has math homework, and there are usually a few other things in there. She's never been as good of a student as Chloe has shown to be though. She's smart, just unmotivated.
I know that it's been mentioned before, but it's CAMPING WEEKEND. The girls are getting excited, and quite honestly, so am I. We've been planning this trip practically since our last one in July, and it's finally here. Not only do I get to go and spend time with family, but I actually get a weekend off. Well, mostly, as I have to be in to the mini-golf at 4:00, and then work concessions that night.
I started reading Twilight, just because I wanted to see what all the hype was about. I have to say, the story is interesting, but the author isn't that good of a writer. It's not like there are things that don't make sense or anything, but she uses WAY too many adjectives, and not in the Stephen King or Dean Koontz kind of way. She uses too many words to describe dialog. It almost gets annoying, but you can't stop reading because the story IS interesting.
Speaking of, I think I'm going to head up to bed now, because Emma actually came in when I first started writing, but since I started, I didn't want to stop... and I have a critic reading over my shoulder correcting my screwed up grammar and typos, so I have to go and kick some butt.
Nite.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Surreality
I experienced a surreal moment this morning at work. I was placing flags into the cups at the mini-golf. I walked past is clump of flowers. They must attract butterflies or something, because I disturbed them. Next thing I knew, I was standing there in the middle of a swarm of about twenty butterflies. It literally took my breath away. All I could do was stand there and stare in amazement and wonder.
Passion
I realized something today. For the longest time, I've been "wishy-washy" about most things. I always said it was because I was so laid-back that I didn't let things affect me. That is so not the truth though. Not the reasoning behind it anyway. I was that way because I never allowed myself to feel passionate about something. Hell, I barely allowed myself to feel much at all.
It wasn't indecisiveness that kept me from doing things, it was an inability to look deeper into myself to see how things were really affecting me. I couldn't do it. When there was something that I had to make a decision on, I just kind of went with the flow.
This is kinda contradictory to the talk about my what if game the other day, but thinking about situations vs. my stance on things is a bit different.
I basically lacked passion. For a long time.
As I start to get it back and watch myself think more deeply about how things affect me and the world around me, it makes me sad that I lost so much of that. It also makes me realize the need for me to get it back.
Sure. There were things I felt passionately about. Real-world issues, such as abortion (pro-choice), Bush (hate both men with a passion that cannot even be explained), euthenasia (pro in most circumstances), the death penalty (against), prison reform, etc. I realized though, in so many other things, that I could flip-flop with the best of them. Why? Not because I'm unintelligent and uninformed. Not because I don't care, because I care about a lot of things TOO much. The thing is, most of these are opinions and beliefs that I had before the "numbing" happened (except the whole Bush thing, but that one is impossible to ignore).
Things that have come up since then, I really don't have all that much of an opinion about. At least didn't. I'm learning now that I am capable of dissecting things with my mind, once again.
It's funny how someone accuses me of being brainwashed when I feel more alive than I have in a very long time.
It wasn't indecisiveness that kept me from doing things, it was an inability to look deeper into myself to see how things were really affecting me. I couldn't do it. When there was something that I had to make a decision on, I just kind of went with the flow.
This is kinda contradictory to the talk about my what if game the other day, but thinking about situations vs. my stance on things is a bit different.
I basically lacked passion. For a long time.
As I start to get it back and watch myself think more deeply about how things affect me and the world around me, it makes me sad that I lost so much of that. It also makes me realize the need for me to get it back.
Sure. There were things I felt passionately about. Real-world issues, such as abortion (pro-choice), Bush (hate both men with a passion that cannot even be explained), euthenasia (pro in most circumstances), the death penalty (against), prison reform, etc. I realized though, in so many other things, that I could flip-flop with the best of them. Why? Not because I'm unintelligent and uninformed. Not because I don't care, because I care about a lot of things TOO much. The thing is, most of these are opinions and beliefs that I had before the "numbing" happened (except the whole Bush thing, but that one is impossible to ignore).
Things that have come up since then, I really don't have all that much of an opinion about. At least didn't. I'm learning now that I am capable of dissecting things with my mind, once again.
It's funny how someone accuses me of being brainwashed when I feel more alive than I have in a very long time.
Acceptance
I have never in my life had anyone knowingly accept me the way that he has. It is an amazing, overwhelming feeling. I'm not even sure that I can process it at this point in my life... I'm trying though.
Dreams and My Reality
I rarely dream, but I had one last night that kind of made me realize that I am right now, where I'm supposed to be. In the dream, I woke up on morning and it was like two years previous, before I had even told Dan that things were not feeling right with me. (I've often said that, while I wasn't as happy, life was certainly EASIER back then.) So, in the dream, after getting over the initial shock of being thrust back in time, I decided that I was going to do my best to make things "right" and see how things turned out if I approached the whole situation differently. In the dream, that very night, I sat down with Dan and told him what was wrong, what I "saw" happening in a few years if we didn't try to fix it, and what needed to change. In the dream, he got very angry with me, said that I was blaming him for everything that I was feeling, and basically said that it was my issue. Again, I tried to explain to him that I knew that we wouldn't be together anymore in a few years if we didn't change things. In the dream, he just yelled at me, told me that I always needed to have things MY way, and couldn't comprehend the things that I was telling him were hurting me. I told him that we NEEDED to get "back to good" (not to throw in a Matchbox 20 song in or anything), and how we needed to do that. I tried to do all of the things that he told me that I needed to have done way back when, to talk to him, to try to make that connection. In the dream he simply dismissed me, like he has so many times, and thought that it was just a "phase" that I was going through. He didn't take the talk seriously, as serious as I had tried to make it, as seriously as I tried to get him to take me. The dream continued on, with me trying my damnedest to get him to listen to me, and the issues that I was having with our relationship, knowing the turn that it would take if changes weren't made. I had really wanted it to work, but knowing that I couldn't continue on as it had. In the dream, I tried for several weeks to talk to him, to no avail. So, I did, in the dream what he also told me that I should have done when I wanted to. I served him with divorce papers. In the dream he was shocked and hurt. I told him that I had been trying to talk to him for weeks about what was bothering me, and that I KNEW how to make things right, the things that needed to change. I was completely open and honest with him about everything that I was feeling, something that I've never been able to do. Something that I wished I could have done with him, experienced with him, but never was able to. So, in the dream, he moved out the day that the papers were served to him. I don't know where he went. That never actually came up in the dream, but I do distinctly remember him moving out in the dream. In the dream I took some time to heal. Some time being alone where I didn't have anyone else that I was dragging down with me during the destructive phases that I went through. Ironically, in the dream, I was playing online and came across James. (Or maybe not so ironically, because this is the first time in my life that I've felt like I can be ME, no matter where I am or who I am with). I had decided that I wasn't going to look for him, because, remember, I had been suddenly thrust back several years, and knew exactly what had happened. I had actually decided NOT to look for him, because I wanted to have nature take it's course, so to speak. I didn't want to "push" things (hehe... another Matchbox 20 song... ), because I wanted another chance to do things a different way, and while I knew that he made me happy, I wanted to make sure that it was the way it was supposed to be. In the dream, that instant spark was there, just like it was this time around as well, but it was acknowledged MUCH faster (different circumstances for each of us I suppose). We never were physically together in my dream, but I sensed that we ended up together when I woke up. Maybe the dream was just a way to process things, to make me feel like I did, or maybe didn't, do all that I could to save what I had, but it was actually a nice closure moment for me, to realize that had I done all the things that Dan said that I should have done, that I didn't do, there more than likely would not have been any difference in the outcome.
So, on to real life topics...
I applied for a job at Family Focus, based out of Michigan City. It's for a Case Manager position for Marshall and St. Joseph Counties. I happened to come across the ad in the Pilot News, and just got a "vibe" from it, like I was supposed to see it. I sent the resume and letter of interest in on Wednesday. I was actually hoping to hear from them this week, but the deadline for sending in resumes is the 24th, so I'm modifying my expectations to the Monday following that date. It was like I was SUPPOSED to see it. I know that I've been out of the social work field now for about six months. Enough time to cure the burn-out factor. I'm actually hoping that if I do get it (keep your fingers crossed for me), I'll be able to keep my other part-time jobs, just because I like them, and I think that it'll help with my burn-out factor, because I LOVE them (and the fringe benefits like free movies and free media are kick-ass too). With James watching the kids while I work, although I don't get to spend time with then like I'd like, they're able to stay home, which is my main concern anyway. The time that I do spend with them is always amazing, and I make a point to make sure that they know that I love them. Even if it's only a few days a week for either of them, I would like to continue with both of them.
I am kind of stressed out about the bills right now. I'm nearing on 30 days late on my car payment. I'm paranoid about it being repo'ed. I check out the window every morning to see if it's still there. I need to figure something else out for the car, either find someone to take over payments and get a cheaper one, or something. I need to research my options. Maybe if I get called in for this other position it'll solve some of those problems. Again, keep your fingers crossed for me. I had to pay for an additional deposit or get the NIPSCO service turned off, as it was initially in Dan's name. He told them that he needed it shut off on the 19th, and I'm required to pay an 855.00 deposit to get it in my name, although I told him that it would be difficult for me, he told me that he didn't care, that he needed to take care of himself. Luckily I came up with the initial deposit for it, and we still have power today! YAY!
Dan came and picked up the girls for the weekend on Thursday. Chloe didn't want to go. She said that there's nothing to do at his apartment. I told her that I would leave it up to her, that she was welcome to stay here, but she needed to ask her dad if it was okay. Dan was visibly upset when she told him that she wanted to stay here, and he then told her that she needed to go because he wanted to spend time with her. She finally relented, but it was reluctant. I miss it when the girls aren't here. It's too quiet.
Is it so wrong that I want to see Dan's current relationship fail? I know that he would get a kick out of seeing MINE fail, and he's so sure that it will.
We have a camping trip planned for next weekend. The first weekend that I'll have had all weekend off all summer. I talked to my boss today and it looks like I'll have to be in Sunday at like 4:00 pm to give the other girl a break before she has to come back for the second part of her shift. That should be plenty of time, as time seems to move slower when you're camping, due to not having all of the other distractions like TV and internet while you're out in the woods. We're going with Jodi and Ryan and us and the girls. We've reserved a spot at Potato Creek for the weekend. We're borrowing my aunt Betsy's tent for the girls and Jodi and Ryan. James and I have a tent that is acceptable, even if it does get cold. I was just worried about the kids, as the nights have been getting chilly lately. I'm really looking forward to the camping trip, as it's something that I always enjoyed doing, but that Dan wouldn't ever do with me because he hated it so much. It's kind of funny because at one point I asked him what activities he didn't enjoy doing, but did just because I wanted to. His response was "I would've liked to have gone to Potato Creek a lot less". The funny thing was, we only went like four times in our entire relationship, even if it was just for the day. I realize how much I didn't do the things that I enjoyed because he didn't want to. Anyway, I digress. Jodi and I are going to go and get groceries on Thursday night, and get the cars packed up. After I get off work, and the kids get home from school, I'm going to go and pick up Ryan, and we'll go and get the site. Jodi is going to go straight to Potato Creek from work. The plan for Saturday is to go geocashing. That is also something else I've always wanted to do, but when it came up, it was always like "why would you want to do that?", so it never happened. Ugh... I need to stop talking about the things that I never got to do, and concentrate on the things that I've GOTTEN to do since I've been able to be myself.
An update on the girls...
Alexis is in the pre-teen stage hardcore. She's really emotional, and throws fits about pretty much everything. I try not to laugh at her, but it's so hard sometimes. It makes her mad that I laugh at her, but her outbursts are so ridiculous that it's hard not to. After her fit, there's always a reconciliation period, where she apologizes for her behavior and I let her know that I still love her. It's actually pretty touching every time it happens, although I'm annoyed with her when it does. She has so much potential, but seems to do the minimum required. She reminds me so much of me when I was that age. I think I actually had more drive than her at that age, but it wasn't long after that it started fading. I guess it goes with the generation where girls (and boys, from what I hear), are maturing faster. I want her to stay the little girl forever. Is that possible?
Chloe is also so much like me, but in the opposite way. She's not very social. She is VERY intellectual (that sounds so pompous... lol). But, she analyzes everything. EVERYTHING. She is so much the quiet, analytical type, that it's really easy for me to relate to her. I know what she's thinking much of the time, without her saying anything. She takes such pride in being smart too. I pulled up the 4th grade sight-reading list. She was able to read about 1/2 of it, without help. Pretty good for a 1st grader!!! I was inspired to do that because we were at the McDonald's at Walmart the other day and there was a sign on the wall visible about the electric carts. She read it perfectly, sounding out the word "electric". She hates school, and I have actually considered home-schooling of her when she gets a little older, just because I know that she would probably benefit from it more. I want her to get the basics down though, and the social aspect of school. Dan would also have to agree to it, which is a whole other situation, because he hates home schooled kids. He has had fist-fights with kids that were home-schooled because he felt like they thought that they felt they were superior. It's just something to consider for the future, but I know that if the school cannot meet her intellectual needs, it's something that's going to be considered in the future, for sure. She's just BRILLIANT (I don't say it as often as I should though, because I don't want her to get a big head...LOL).
Calli is going to be the prankster. She has a sense of humor beyond her years, actually. In that department, she's more like 20. She cracks me up, most of the things that she says. She just comes up with so many off the cuff comments that it's unbelievable. She likes to tell James that he stinks, and that she doesn't want him to touch her... so they play a little game where he goes after her, to touch her. She screams, says that she doesn't want him to touch her, but then gives him a "stinky hand". She smiles and laughs about it, even as she says "I hate you James, I would kill you for a Dilly Bar!" and then cuddles with him. It melts my heart.
Each of my girls has such a different personality, but each of them I understand and see so much of myself in each of them. It seems that each of them has taken one part of my personality and expanded on it. I'm so proud of those girls. It cannot even be expressed in words.
I was feeling the need to blog tonight, but that need has now been expired. I think that I'm going to listen to some music and go to bed. Speaking of music, I work with a bunch of musicians at Prairie City, and it's awesome. Although I don't really consider myself a musician, I have a deep love and appreciation for music, mostly brought about by my father. I loved listening to him play his guitar, listening to the music that inspired him. I haven't listened to much of the stuff that he used to play to me (although I'm on imeem right now, and I think the next song that I'm going to listen to is Kansas's Dust In the Wind, which I used to call the "Water Drop Song"). I'm missing my girls, but feeling really good about where I am in life. It may be hard, and it may be stressful, but right now, I'm feeling stronger than I think I ever have in my life.
Once again, life is good.
So, on to real life topics...
I applied for a job at Family Focus, based out of Michigan City. It's for a Case Manager position for Marshall and St. Joseph Counties. I happened to come across the ad in the Pilot News, and just got a "vibe" from it, like I was supposed to see it. I sent the resume and letter of interest in on Wednesday. I was actually hoping to hear from them this week, but the deadline for sending in resumes is the 24th, so I'm modifying my expectations to the Monday following that date. It was like I was SUPPOSED to see it. I know that I've been out of the social work field now for about six months. Enough time to cure the burn-out factor. I'm actually hoping that if I do get it (keep your fingers crossed for me), I'll be able to keep my other part-time jobs, just because I like them, and I think that it'll help with my burn-out factor, because I LOVE them (and the fringe benefits like free movies and free media are kick-ass too). With James watching the kids while I work, although I don't get to spend time with then like I'd like, they're able to stay home, which is my main concern anyway. The time that I do spend with them is always amazing, and I make a point to make sure that they know that I love them. Even if it's only a few days a week for either of them, I would like to continue with both of them.
I am kind of stressed out about the bills right now. I'm nearing on 30 days late on my car payment. I'm paranoid about it being repo'ed. I check out the window every morning to see if it's still there. I need to figure something else out for the car, either find someone to take over payments and get a cheaper one, or something. I need to research my options. Maybe if I get called in for this other position it'll solve some of those problems. Again, keep your fingers crossed for me. I had to pay for an additional deposit or get the NIPSCO service turned off, as it was initially in Dan's name. He told them that he needed it shut off on the 19th, and I'm required to pay an 855.00 deposit to get it in my name, although I told him that it would be difficult for me, he told me that he didn't care, that he needed to take care of himself. Luckily I came up with the initial deposit for it, and we still have power today! YAY!
Dan came and picked up the girls for the weekend on Thursday. Chloe didn't want to go. She said that there's nothing to do at his apartment. I told her that I would leave it up to her, that she was welcome to stay here, but she needed to ask her dad if it was okay. Dan was visibly upset when she told him that she wanted to stay here, and he then told her that she needed to go because he wanted to spend time with her. She finally relented, but it was reluctant. I miss it when the girls aren't here. It's too quiet.
Is it so wrong that I want to see Dan's current relationship fail? I know that he would get a kick out of seeing MINE fail, and he's so sure that it will.
We have a camping trip planned for next weekend. The first weekend that I'll have had all weekend off all summer. I talked to my boss today and it looks like I'll have to be in Sunday at like 4:00 pm to give the other girl a break before she has to come back for the second part of her shift. That should be plenty of time, as time seems to move slower when you're camping, due to not having all of the other distractions like TV and internet while you're out in the woods. We're going with Jodi and Ryan and us and the girls. We've reserved a spot at Potato Creek for the weekend. We're borrowing my aunt Betsy's tent for the girls and Jodi and Ryan. James and I have a tent that is acceptable, even if it does get cold. I was just worried about the kids, as the nights have been getting chilly lately. I'm really looking forward to the camping trip, as it's something that I always enjoyed doing, but that Dan wouldn't ever do with me because he hated it so much. It's kind of funny because at one point I asked him what activities he didn't enjoy doing, but did just because I wanted to. His response was "I would've liked to have gone to Potato Creek a lot less". The funny thing was, we only went like four times in our entire relationship, even if it was just for the day. I realize how much I didn't do the things that I enjoyed because he didn't want to. Anyway, I digress. Jodi and I are going to go and get groceries on Thursday night, and get the cars packed up. After I get off work, and the kids get home from school, I'm going to go and pick up Ryan, and we'll go and get the site. Jodi is going to go straight to Potato Creek from work. The plan for Saturday is to go geocashing. That is also something else I've always wanted to do, but when it came up, it was always like "why would you want to do that?", so it never happened. Ugh... I need to stop talking about the things that I never got to do, and concentrate on the things that I've GOTTEN to do since I've been able to be myself.
An update on the girls...
Alexis is in the pre-teen stage hardcore. She's really emotional, and throws fits about pretty much everything. I try not to laugh at her, but it's so hard sometimes. It makes her mad that I laugh at her, but her outbursts are so ridiculous that it's hard not to. After her fit, there's always a reconciliation period, where she apologizes for her behavior and I let her know that I still love her. It's actually pretty touching every time it happens, although I'm annoyed with her when it does. She has so much potential, but seems to do the minimum required. She reminds me so much of me when I was that age. I think I actually had more drive than her at that age, but it wasn't long after that it started fading. I guess it goes with the generation where girls (and boys, from what I hear), are maturing faster. I want her to stay the little girl forever. Is that possible?
Chloe is also so much like me, but in the opposite way. She's not very social. She is VERY intellectual (that sounds so pompous... lol). But, she analyzes everything. EVERYTHING. She is so much the quiet, analytical type, that it's really easy for me to relate to her. I know what she's thinking much of the time, without her saying anything. She takes such pride in being smart too. I pulled up the 4th grade sight-reading list. She was able to read about 1/2 of it, without help. Pretty good for a 1st grader!!! I was inspired to do that because we were at the McDonald's at Walmart the other day and there was a sign on the wall visible about the electric carts. She read it perfectly, sounding out the word "electric". She hates school, and I have actually considered home-schooling of her when she gets a little older, just because I know that she would probably benefit from it more. I want her to get the basics down though, and the social aspect of school. Dan would also have to agree to it, which is a whole other situation, because he hates home schooled kids. He has had fist-fights with kids that were home-schooled because he felt like they thought that they felt they were superior. It's just something to consider for the future, but I know that if the school cannot meet her intellectual needs, it's something that's going to be considered in the future, for sure. She's just BRILLIANT (I don't say it as often as I should though, because I don't want her to get a big head...LOL).
Calli is going to be the prankster. She has a sense of humor beyond her years, actually. In that department, she's more like 20. She cracks me up, most of the things that she says. She just comes up with so many off the cuff comments that it's unbelievable. She likes to tell James that he stinks, and that she doesn't want him to touch her... so they play a little game where he goes after her, to touch her. She screams, says that she doesn't want him to touch her, but then gives him a "stinky hand". She smiles and laughs about it, even as she says "I hate you James, I would kill you for a Dilly Bar!" and then cuddles with him. It melts my heart.
Each of my girls has such a different personality, but each of them I understand and see so much of myself in each of them. It seems that each of them has taken one part of my personality and expanded on it. I'm so proud of those girls. It cannot even be expressed in words.
I was feeling the need to blog tonight, but that need has now been expired. I think that I'm going to listen to some music and go to bed. Speaking of music, I work with a bunch of musicians at Prairie City, and it's awesome. Although I don't really consider myself a musician, I have a deep love and appreciation for music, mostly brought about by my father. I loved listening to him play his guitar, listening to the music that inspired him. I haven't listened to much of the stuff that he used to play to me (although I'm on imeem right now, and I think the next song that I'm going to listen to is Kansas's Dust In the Wind, which I used to call the "Water Drop Song"). I'm missing my girls, but feeling really good about where I am in life. It may be hard, and it may be stressful, but right now, I'm feeling stronger than I think I ever have in my life.
Once again, life is good.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Beautiful
There is nothing better in life than having people you love look at you and say "I think you're beautiful"
The "What If" Game
I always thought that I was the only one that played this game. I used to think of different scenarios and how I would react to them, what those different scenarios would end. It didn't matter if it wasn't a situation that I hadn't experienced before, that was part of the fun.
Shortly after meeting James, I found out that he played the game too.
We actually played the game last night. A simple question turned into an hours-long discussion on selective breeding of humans, the circumstances in which it could and would occur, the reasonings for choosing someone of a particular race, etc. It's funny how a question can turn into a deep discussion about beliefs and the reasonings behind such.
Dad and Cindy stopped by yesterday and brought their dog. It was a cute dog, and if I could choose what kind of dog to have now, it would be a small one. Emma is just too rambunctious. That, and she gets in the trash, and the fridge, even when she DOES have food.
It made me feel good that they are making an effort to try to get to know James. Yes, I know he's a bit rough around the edges. Yes, I know that most people don't see him like I do, because he doesn't let it happen. However, he loves me, he loves the girls (although he won't admit it to anyone but me), he cries at Lion King and Wall-E, I can tell him anything and not be judged, he listens to me, he's intelligent and appreciates intelligent conversation... I could go on forever.
However, some people think that I'm brainwashed, because they're not used to seeing me happy.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
And it continues :/
Dan came to pick up the kids today. He came in, and I said something about them coming home Saturday. I said that I thought that it was two nights. Chloe said that she only wanted to stay one night. Calli said she wanted to stay two. So, Dan asked Chloe if she just wanted to walk home from school tomorrow and come home, and she said that she did. I reminded Dan to let the school know that she wouldn't be taking the bus. He got angry and said that I was supposed to take care of that. I reminded him that HE was the one that had arranged for her to ride the bus, and that last week, when I had told him the reasons I wasn't happy about it, he stated "I'll just cancel it". So, he denied saying that he would take care of it, and, as per usual, expected me to undo things that he did. The argument pursued from there he turned angry. It was actually a decent conversation up until that point.
The funny thing is, that during a Yahoo conversation later, he couldn't even take responsibility for being the one who lashed out in the first place. He threatened legal action with James, who simply warned him that if he spoke to Alexis or I in the way that he did again, that there would be consequences, and asked him if he wanted to take the conversation out back, so it wasn't in front of the kids. Dan is so not the person that I thought he was, even when I knew that he wasn't who I wanted to be with.
Jodi came over tonight and we made the reservations for camping. We picked out the site at Potato Creek, and so we know that we have a spot. YAY! I'm excited, because I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed camping until I went with the girls over the summer. That, and I missed Jodi, but didn't have the emotional strength to socialize for a long time, due to the shit that was going on here at the house.
Went to work at Prairie City today, got some new books. It may pay crappy, but the fringe benefits are amazing! Free books, movies and software certainly cut down on my entertainment budget. LOL.
Anyway, Alexis needs to get started on her homework, and she's sitting here watching me type, so I'm going to quit so that she'll actually get some stuff done.
The funny thing is, that during a Yahoo conversation later, he couldn't even take responsibility for being the one who lashed out in the first place. He threatened legal action with James, who simply warned him that if he spoke to Alexis or I in the way that he did again, that there would be consequences, and asked him if he wanted to take the conversation out back, so it wasn't in front of the kids. Dan is so not the person that I thought he was, even when I knew that he wasn't who I wanted to be with.
Jodi came over tonight and we made the reservations for camping. We picked out the site at Potato Creek, and so we know that we have a spot. YAY! I'm excited, because I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed camping until I went with the girls over the summer. That, and I missed Jodi, but didn't have the emotional strength to socialize for a long time, due to the shit that was going on here at the house.
Went to work at Prairie City today, got some new books. It may pay crappy, but the fringe benefits are amazing! Free books, movies and software certainly cut down on my entertainment budget. LOL.
Anyway, Alexis needs to get started on her homework, and she's sitting here watching me type, so I'm going to quit so that she'll actually get some stuff done.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Relief, then anxiety...
I went to the HUD office yesterday to talk to them about foreclosure assistance. It turns out, the three grand that I thought was supposed to be due yesterday was the amount of the loan modification that they are considering rolling back over into the mortgage. They're working on it, and now I have an advocate for me involved that knows the laws, knows how the process works, and can answer my questions. I wish I would have gotten someone else involved sooner, actually. Regardless, I don't have a payment due for right now, while the case is reviewed, and since I have made the last few payments on time, Hedy (the HUD lady), said that more than likely they'll do the modification, and if they don't, then there are some other options we can look at.
I went to work at the mini-golf last night. The kids and James came too, to go golfing one last time before it closes for the season, since when I go on the weekends, it's a long shift. It started raining, but it was still fun for the girls. We had opened up specifically for a church group, and they were there for a couple of hours. It wasn't so bad, getting to spend some time with my family while I was at work.
I get home to a message from Dan saying that his Yahoo account was hacked into and that he was pretty sure that it was James, as none of this stuff happened before James moved here. I pointed out to him all the screwed-up things that have happened to HIM since he started dating psycho women. Him getting bombarded by anonymous texts, me getting a few anonymous texts, squirrels on his car and in the front door, etc. He still continued to accuse James. I spewed venom back at him, like I can, and he finally told me to go away. I told him that he jumps on me for something that he thinks that James did, and expects me to just be OK with whatever he was saying? I eventually got tired of the shit and logged off for the night.
I woke up this morning and was sick... I called Prairie City and said that I wouldn't be in. Thank God it is such a flexible employer!!! Two weeks in and I already had flu-like symptoms. I got up and slept on the couch most of the morning. By lunch time, I was hungry, hadn't had to sit on the toilet for most of the morning, and I was no longer nauseated. I did still seem to have a fever, but, I was feeling better. As for right now, I still have a killer headache, but that's all the sicker I feel.
If I'm still feeling kind of sick, but regardless of how I'm feeling, unless I'm feeling dead, I'll go into work tomorrow. I also work at the indoor tomorrow, my first real shift ever there, and I'm working someone else's shift. It'll give me a good way to learn my way around how things work before I'm thrust into management there.
I've started posting a few books on Amazon to sell. One has sold already, but I need to get it in the mail tomorrow. I think I'll just wrap it with a brown paper bag and take it to the PO that way. Amazon doesn't charge to post the books, they only take a commission once they sell, so James and I were talking about that being something that he can do from home: Enter the books, get them ready to mail out when they sell, etc. People are always giving away books, and the fact that one of them has sold already tells me that there's actually a market for some of them. Hell, there's probably 500 or so books here alone, without soliciting them from somewhere else.
I learned how to do that from Prairie City. They get all of their books for free, they just pay freight. It's an effort to keep books out of the landfills, and make a little bit of money from it. It's a good plan, and well, if I had the space, and the capital to do it, it would be a dream job. If we could figure out a few things to do here and there online, it might be a nice supplemental income.
Dan messages me a little while ago about NIPSCO and how I have to get it out of his name by the 19th. I told him if there needed to be another deposit for some reason, that I might need more time. He basically told me to fuck off and that if it wasn't moved over into my name by the 19th, then he was shutting it off. So, I reminded him that I continued to pay his car insurance and cell phone bills for three months before I shut them off. He just said that he needed to worry about himself now. Of course, from there it turned into a confrontation, like it always did. He told me that I would get tired of James like I did of him. I told him that I no longer needed these amazing material things anymore, that I could live in a box in the same situation and be happy. He continued to talk about how James isn't working, although James and I had discussed him watching the kids to save on childcare. His statement was "at least I had crappy jobs" but he doesn't understand that a crappy job would end up costing the household MORE in childcare, gas, food, etc. I said that I was happy with the way that things are for now, and when that changes, changes will be made. I told him that I find him useless. He then said "yeah well, 4 kids by 3 dads, how great are you lol". He thinks that I'm pregnant, and, since I knew that he was going to think what he wanted anyway, I've never told him any different. I never told him that I was either, he's the one that told ME that I was (figure that one out). Anyway, that pissed me off, for a few reasons. One because he brought the kids into it as a negative consequence of our relationship, when they're really the only GOOD thing that's come out of it. Two, because it would be considered a put-down if I WERE to be pregnant.
This also pissed off James. He called the cell number that we have for him. His girlfriend answered and James asked to talk to him. She said that he wasn't there, that he was staying in Bourbon, and that using that number to get a hold of him was pretty much useless. James asked what was going on, because it had been deduced from information from the kids that they weren't staying together anymore, but there weren't any details. She had just had surgery on her foot and the two of them had an argument. The phone rang, and she went to answer it, and Dan stopped her from using the walker. He forcibly held it from her and she went to answer it anyway. She is staying at her mom's and she's sent him to her apartment in Bourbon. From the way she was stating information, it seems that their relationship is pretty much over, already. She added on to the end of the conversation that "he's controlling as fuck". She's not the sharpest tool in the shed, so it's slightly embarrassing that she saw that in him before I did. Long before I did.
I actually brought this up to Dan, commented that he just continued to fuck up, and he said "goodbye" and logged off. I actually laughed, because, well, I was just being the vindictive bitch that he's always accusing me of being. It's funny how he said at one time he actually admired that about me, but it sure is different now that it's directed at him. What's funny is I'm only responding to statements that he says.
I realize how much better I am without him in my life, although he thinks that I'm brainwashed and says he hopes I'll snap out of it soon.
I was just sending Alexis to bed. She went to give me cuddles, and I asked her to wait for a minute. She then went and gave James cuddles. He smiled and said "yeah". Alexis commented on this. Alexis said "whenever I do that, that's what he says". I'd told her before that the reason why he does that is because he doesn't know what to say. She said that she remembered. We then got into a discussion about how he wants to seem all big and tough, when in reality he's softer than most people I know, about a lot of things. We then got into how he cried at Wall-E and Lion King. He'll admit to Lion King, but he still claims that it was popcorn salt in his eye at Wall-E that made him appear to be crying. I think I'll let him stay with that story if he thinks it'll save his reputation.
Goodnight.
I went to work at the mini-golf last night. The kids and James came too, to go golfing one last time before it closes for the season, since when I go on the weekends, it's a long shift. It started raining, but it was still fun for the girls. We had opened up specifically for a church group, and they were there for a couple of hours. It wasn't so bad, getting to spend some time with my family while I was at work.
I get home to a message from Dan saying that his Yahoo account was hacked into and that he was pretty sure that it was James, as none of this stuff happened before James moved here. I pointed out to him all the screwed-up things that have happened to HIM since he started dating psycho women. Him getting bombarded by anonymous texts, me getting a few anonymous texts, squirrels on his car and in the front door, etc. He still continued to accuse James. I spewed venom back at him, like I can, and he finally told me to go away. I told him that he jumps on me for something that he thinks that James did, and expects me to just be OK with whatever he was saying? I eventually got tired of the shit and logged off for the night.
I woke up this morning and was sick... I called Prairie City and said that I wouldn't be in. Thank God it is such a flexible employer!!! Two weeks in and I already had flu-like symptoms. I got up and slept on the couch most of the morning. By lunch time, I was hungry, hadn't had to sit on the toilet for most of the morning, and I was no longer nauseated. I did still seem to have a fever, but, I was feeling better. As for right now, I still have a killer headache, but that's all the sicker I feel.
If I'm still feeling kind of sick, but regardless of how I'm feeling, unless I'm feeling dead, I'll go into work tomorrow. I also work at the indoor tomorrow, my first real shift ever there, and I'm working someone else's shift. It'll give me a good way to learn my way around how things work before I'm thrust into management there.
I've started posting a few books on Amazon to sell. One has sold already, but I need to get it in the mail tomorrow. I think I'll just wrap it with a brown paper bag and take it to the PO that way. Amazon doesn't charge to post the books, they only take a commission once they sell, so James and I were talking about that being something that he can do from home: Enter the books, get them ready to mail out when they sell, etc. People are always giving away books, and the fact that one of them has sold already tells me that there's actually a market for some of them. Hell, there's probably 500 or so books here alone, without soliciting them from somewhere else.
I learned how to do that from Prairie City. They get all of their books for free, they just pay freight. It's an effort to keep books out of the landfills, and make a little bit of money from it. It's a good plan, and well, if I had the space, and the capital to do it, it would be a dream job. If we could figure out a few things to do here and there online, it might be a nice supplemental income.
Dan messages me a little while ago about NIPSCO and how I have to get it out of his name by the 19th. I told him if there needed to be another deposit for some reason, that I might need more time. He basically told me to fuck off and that if it wasn't moved over into my name by the 19th, then he was shutting it off. So, I reminded him that I continued to pay his car insurance and cell phone bills for three months before I shut them off. He just said that he needed to worry about himself now. Of course, from there it turned into a confrontation, like it always did. He told me that I would get tired of James like I did of him. I told him that I no longer needed these amazing material things anymore, that I could live in a box in the same situation and be happy. He continued to talk about how James isn't working, although James and I had discussed him watching the kids to save on childcare. His statement was "at least I had crappy jobs" but he doesn't understand that a crappy job would end up costing the household MORE in childcare, gas, food, etc. I said that I was happy with the way that things are for now, and when that changes, changes will be made. I told him that I find him useless. He then said "yeah well, 4 kids by 3 dads, how great are you lol". He thinks that I'm pregnant, and, since I knew that he was going to think what he wanted anyway, I've never told him any different. I never told him that I was either, he's the one that told ME that I was (figure that one out). Anyway, that pissed me off, for a few reasons. One because he brought the kids into it as a negative consequence of our relationship, when they're really the only GOOD thing that's come out of it. Two, because it would be considered a put-down if I WERE to be pregnant.
This also pissed off James. He called the cell number that we have for him. His girlfriend answered and James asked to talk to him. She said that he wasn't there, that he was staying in Bourbon, and that using that number to get a hold of him was pretty much useless. James asked what was going on, because it had been deduced from information from the kids that they weren't staying together anymore, but there weren't any details. She had just had surgery on her foot and the two of them had an argument. The phone rang, and she went to answer it, and Dan stopped her from using the walker. He forcibly held it from her and she went to answer it anyway. She is staying at her mom's and she's sent him to her apartment in Bourbon. From the way she was stating information, it seems that their relationship is pretty much over, already. She added on to the end of the conversation that "he's controlling as fuck". She's not the sharpest tool in the shed, so it's slightly embarrassing that she saw that in him before I did. Long before I did.
I actually brought this up to Dan, commented that he just continued to fuck up, and he said "goodbye" and logged off. I actually laughed, because, well, I was just being the vindictive bitch that he's always accusing me of being. It's funny how he said at one time he actually admired that about me, but it sure is different now that it's directed at him. What's funny is I'm only responding to statements that he says.
I realize how much better I am without him in my life, although he thinks that I'm brainwashed and says he hopes I'll snap out of it soon.
I was just sending Alexis to bed. She went to give me cuddles, and I asked her to wait for a minute. She then went and gave James cuddles. He smiled and said "yeah". Alexis commented on this. Alexis said "whenever I do that, that's what he says". I'd told her before that the reason why he does that is because he doesn't know what to say. She said that she remembered. We then got into a discussion about how he wants to seem all big and tough, when in reality he's softer than most people I know, about a lot of things. We then got into how he cried at Wall-E and Lion King. He'll admit to Lion King, but he still claims that it was popcorn salt in his eye at Wall-E that made him appear to be crying. I think I'll let him stay with that story if he thinks it'll save his reputation.
Goodnight.
Monday, September 8, 2008
This Blogging Thing
So I'm really enjoying this blogging thing. I don't know if it's because I'm finally able to say what I'm feeling, without fear of repercussion or ridicule. It might be because now that I realize I'm actually interesting to someone, I might be interesting to other people. It might just be because I suddenly feel like I have such a full and rich life, that I can't STOP blogging.
Don't worry. I might get tired of it eventually. I'm not even sure who's reading these things, if anyone. No, that wasn't a fish for someone to say "Hey, I'm reading it and love hearing what you have to say" or anything like that. It was a simple statement of fact that I'm not sure who's reading them. If you are, I'm glad to have you here.
I worked doubles all weekend. The kids were gone. It was weird to come home to a quiet house. James and I got to spend a little more one on one time together though, and that was pretty awesome. I love my kids to death, and hate when they're gone, but sometimes adult time is nice too. If I had my "druthers" (the nurse at Pathfinders always said that and I thought it was the neatest word, and use it when I remember it), I'd rather the kids not be gone at all, but that's part of this changing process and part of what my new life consists of, I guess.
Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I'm working at Prairie City tomorrow morning, and then I have an appointment with Foreclosure Assistance in the afternoon, then I'm going to pick up the kids and James and they're going to go to work with me for a little while at the mini-golf. We're opening up special for a church group to have a golf outing, and I figured that I could bring them along to play one last round of mini-golf before the place closes for the season. I won't be able to play with them, but you can't imagine how happy it made me when Chloe said "I want to play with James". She's always been the one who has been the most cautious, the most, reserved, and for her to say that made me realize that others see in him what I do.
Calli showed her smarts today, and it blew me away. The latest thing with the kids has been to name how many Dilly Bars it would take for them to kill someone. Telling someone that they'd kill them for a Dilly Bar pretty much means that they find them useless, and expendable, but it's become a joke in our house. Chloe told me that she wouldn't kill me for the biggest number ever of Dilly Bars. Calli chimed in with "there isn't a biggest number!" We'd had this discussion a week or so ago, about how there never could be a biggest number because you could always add one to it. The fact that her four-year-old mind not only remembered that fact, but was able to wrap her mind around such an abstract idea just filled me with pride.
Yes, I have smart kids. Alexis is brilliant, but lacks motivation. She's hitting those pre-teen years, and it's going to be pretty difficult with her, I'm imagining. I'm trying to nip it in the bud. I'm actually becoming a stricter parent, but not to the point where I can't have fun as well. I have support on this. James, while he's never been a parent, actually has really good ideas about how children should be raised. He also has the memory of an elephant, so restrictions and penalties are remembered. Before, Dan always just did what was easiest, so the kids pretty much got away with about anything. The biggest change is having to earn computer and TV time. Some of the required tasks are easy, like getting to school on time and brushing teeth daily. That sort of thing, but there's also harder ones. Those are the ones that Chloe and Alexis have to do in order to earn their phones for the week.
We actually sat down and had a family discussion about how things were going to change around the house. I want to get it cleaned and organized, and I will need help from the kids, at least to maintain what we've done, once it's to that point. We've got a LOT of work ahead of us, that's for sure, but we're plugging away at it, and hopefully the house will be how we want it, and soon.
I've been off on dates all week. I thought today was the 9th, and that the girl's fundraisers were due tomorrow. I was just getting ready to go and look at them, but then looked at the date. I hope the date is right.. LOL. I wish I had more money, but the kids seem to understand that too. They're so willing to compromise on the money thing, and understand that there's not a lot of extra to go around. I do try to make sure that they get something, even if it's just extra time with me.
Like this week, we're going to make our own corn dogs. The girls love them, and James found a recipe for them that'll make them cost about ten cents apiece. The plan is to make a ton of them and freeze them, so we'll have them for the girls when they want them. Just little stuff like that, that we do as a family, I've been missing, for a LONG time. The girls love to help out in the kitchen, and with making something like that, that they really enjoy, will be a special treat for them. Oh, and if anyone happens to find a deep fryer at a yard sale for cheap, I need one. I haven't used one for awhile. If I wanted to fry something I'd just put some oil in my large pot and fry things in there, but with having to really watch the food budget, I would love to find a solution that would allow me to save on cooking oil, if possible. If you see one, let me know. If you happen to pick it up for me, I'll pay ya back.
There might be a possibility of a roommate situation going on. We have some friends who are a couple. One is in California right now and not working. He's living with a roommate, but the roommate is about ready to kick him out. You might be saying that the last thing that I need is someone else living here, but the thing is, even if he would work part time, and those jobs aren't as hard to get, it would help out household finances immensely, as well as leave him with enough income to do the things that he chose to do. His girlfriend is in New Jersey, and we had already discussed her moving in here, just to get out of Jersey, because she doesn't want to be there. She has said that if he comes, she won't be far behind. We'd talked about getting a roommate before, and letting them have Dan's room instead of reclaiming it for office space. The difficult there was having someone actually LIVE with you is a difficult thing sometimes. These two people we have both "known" for more than a year and we already know that we have similar senses of humor, interests, and can get along. We've even had resolutions to conflicts, so that means that we would probably be able to live together...LOL.
Wow, I just looked at the clock. It's almost 4 am. That's what happens when you work second shift and end up staying up because you can't go to sleep right after you get off work. I have a feeling that I'm going to pass out really early tomorrow night, right after the kids go to bed. That just means that I don't have to watch Monday Night Football with James :D
Don't worry. I might get tired of it eventually. I'm not even sure who's reading these things, if anyone. No, that wasn't a fish for someone to say "Hey, I'm reading it and love hearing what you have to say" or anything like that. It was a simple statement of fact that I'm not sure who's reading them. If you are, I'm glad to have you here.
I worked doubles all weekend. The kids were gone. It was weird to come home to a quiet house. James and I got to spend a little more one on one time together though, and that was pretty awesome. I love my kids to death, and hate when they're gone, but sometimes adult time is nice too. If I had my "druthers" (the nurse at Pathfinders always said that and I thought it was the neatest word, and use it when I remember it), I'd rather the kids not be gone at all, but that's part of this changing process and part of what my new life consists of, I guess.
Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I'm working at Prairie City tomorrow morning, and then I have an appointment with Foreclosure Assistance in the afternoon, then I'm going to pick up the kids and James and they're going to go to work with me for a little while at the mini-golf. We're opening up special for a church group to have a golf outing, and I figured that I could bring them along to play one last round of mini-golf before the place closes for the season. I won't be able to play with them, but you can't imagine how happy it made me when Chloe said "I want to play with James". She's always been the one who has been the most cautious, the most, reserved, and for her to say that made me realize that others see in him what I do.
Calli showed her smarts today, and it blew me away. The latest thing with the kids has been to name how many Dilly Bars it would take for them to kill someone. Telling someone that they'd kill them for a Dilly Bar pretty much means that they find them useless, and expendable, but it's become a joke in our house. Chloe told me that she wouldn't kill me for the biggest number ever of Dilly Bars. Calli chimed in with "there isn't a biggest number!" We'd had this discussion a week or so ago, about how there never could be a biggest number because you could always add one to it. The fact that her four-year-old mind not only remembered that fact, but was able to wrap her mind around such an abstract idea just filled me with pride.
Yes, I have smart kids. Alexis is brilliant, but lacks motivation. She's hitting those pre-teen years, and it's going to be pretty difficult with her, I'm imagining. I'm trying to nip it in the bud. I'm actually becoming a stricter parent, but not to the point where I can't have fun as well. I have support on this. James, while he's never been a parent, actually has really good ideas about how children should be raised. He also has the memory of an elephant, so restrictions and penalties are remembered. Before, Dan always just did what was easiest, so the kids pretty much got away with about anything. The biggest change is having to earn computer and TV time. Some of the required tasks are easy, like getting to school on time and brushing teeth daily. That sort of thing, but there's also harder ones. Those are the ones that Chloe and Alexis have to do in order to earn their phones for the week.
We actually sat down and had a family discussion about how things were going to change around the house. I want to get it cleaned and organized, and I will need help from the kids, at least to maintain what we've done, once it's to that point. We've got a LOT of work ahead of us, that's for sure, but we're plugging away at it, and hopefully the house will be how we want it, and soon.
I've been off on dates all week. I thought today was the 9th, and that the girl's fundraisers were due tomorrow. I was just getting ready to go and look at them, but then looked at the date. I hope the date is right.. LOL. I wish I had more money, but the kids seem to understand that too. They're so willing to compromise on the money thing, and understand that there's not a lot of extra to go around. I do try to make sure that they get something, even if it's just extra time with me.
Like this week, we're going to make our own corn dogs. The girls love them, and James found a recipe for them that'll make them cost about ten cents apiece. The plan is to make a ton of them and freeze them, so we'll have them for the girls when they want them. Just little stuff like that, that we do as a family, I've been missing, for a LONG time. The girls love to help out in the kitchen, and with making something like that, that they really enjoy, will be a special treat for them. Oh, and if anyone happens to find a deep fryer at a yard sale for cheap, I need one. I haven't used one for awhile. If I wanted to fry something I'd just put some oil in my large pot and fry things in there, but with having to really watch the food budget, I would love to find a solution that would allow me to save on cooking oil, if possible. If you see one, let me know. If you happen to pick it up for me, I'll pay ya back.
There might be a possibility of a roommate situation going on. We have some friends who are a couple. One is in California right now and not working. He's living with a roommate, but the roommate is about ready to kick him out. You might be saying that the last thing that I need is someone else living here, but the thing is, even if he would work part time, and those jobs aren't as hard to get, it would help out household finances immensely, as well as leave him with enough income to do the things that he chose to do. His girlfriend is in New Jersey, and we had already discussed her moving in here, just to get out of Jersey, because she doesn't want to be there. She has said that if he comes, she won't be far behind. We'd talked about getting a roommate before, and letting them have Dan's room instead of reclaiming it for office space. The difficult there was having someone actually LIVE with you is a difficult thing sometimes. These two people we have both "known" for more than a year and we already know that we have similar senses of humor, interests, and can get along. We've even had resolutions to conflicts, so that means that we would probably be able to live together...LOL.
Wow, I just looked at the clock. It's almost 4 am. That's what happens when you work second shift and end up staying up because you can't go to sleep right after you get off work. I have a feeling that I'm going to pass out really early tomorrow night, right after the kids go to bed. That just means that I don't have to watch Monday Night Football with James :D
Since I'm Being Accused of it Anyway...
Here is the latest conversation between the ex and I. I read it and realize that this was how our conversations went much of the time.
Dan (9/7/2008 11:32:26 PM): I really do not appreciate james sending lude text messages to us. for one we are limited on our texts, for two, that is just wrong.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:27:43 AM): Again, why do you take stuff up with me when it's not my problem? When it's not my doing? When it wasn't even him that started saying anything in the first place? Besices, wasn't it stated that it was a misfire?
Dan (9/8/2008 12:28:13 AM): not to my knowledge, that and he deleted me off mesenger
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:28:44 AM): I read the messages. It was said that it was a misfire. He didn't delete you off of messenger. He still has you.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:28:55 AM): I don't have him
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:29:03 AM): Then that means that you delted HIM.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:30:27 AM): whatever the case is he should not be texting that shit out from chloe's phone anyway. that is just wrong
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:31:45 AM): Chloe's phone is the one with the text plan until the next cycle when we're getting a family texting plan. All messages are deleted before she gets the phone back. Besides, Chloe has lost her phone for the week due to not doing her chores.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:32:57 AM): ok now I have your freinds giving me hell about it, nice
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:33:05 AM): Umm... why did you just deny knowing anything about the cell phone texts?
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:33:19 AM): Who the fuck are you talking about?
Dan (9/8/2008 12:33:20 AM): because I have no clue who that is
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:33:27 AM): It's James
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:33:41 AM): Probably. I mean, he jsut said you denied knowing anything about it.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:35:00 AM): I had no clue who I was talking to
Dan (9/8/2008 12:35:23 AM): and I don't just admit stuff to random people
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:36:16 AM): So you simply assume that I told random friends to talk to you? I must have one hell of a network to pull that off.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:36:37 AM): yeah well, wouldn't be the first time
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:36:47 AM): What the hell are you talking about?
Dan (9/8/2008 12:37:39 AM): you have spread our business all over the net
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:38:00 AM): How have I spread our business all over the net?
Dan (9/8/2008 12:38:07 AM): blogs for one
Dan (9/8/2008 12:38:22 AM): for two, you have talked about our shit with others on the net
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:38:39 AM): I have very rarely blogged about us, and usually when I blogged about what was going on in my life, it didn't include you.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:38:59 AM): And in response to your second one, I talk to friends who are genuinely concerned about what's going on in my life.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:39:16 AM): That's not spreading stuff all over the net. It's doing the same thing that you were doing, for a long ass time.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:39:28 AM): and than I catch shit from random people
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:39:47 AM): Who are you catching random shit from? I haven't told any one to say anthing to you
Dan (9/8/2008 12:40:00 AM): no but it has happened in the past
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:40:47 AM): When have I told anyone to say anything to you? Gawd, I know you think highly of me, but I didn't know you thought I had that much pull.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:41:01 AM): hell I still think you had something to do with me getting bombarded by text messages
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:42:42 AM): So that's why James was responding to one that the phone got? He thought the one that came through from your phone was one at first.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:43:21 AM): I have no clue what you are talking about
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:44:27 AM): The message that you said was a lewd one, was supposed to be in response to a random text that actually HAD a phone number on it, but it was sent to the wrong one. And it was assumed that the one that was sent from Cheyenne was at first another stupid text. Just because you don't have the phone anymore doesn't mean the texts have stopped,.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:46:11 AM): And what blogs are you talking about? The only blogs that I post in places where I know a lot of people are ones about ME personally. Sometimes minor details, but that's because they're affecting ME.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:46:34 AM): it is always about you huh
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:47:05 AM): Um... when it's information that I feel that I need to share, yeah, it's about me.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:47:23 AM): well from no on, leave ME out of it
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:47:50 AM): If it's YOU affecting something about ME, and it's a fact stated, then yes, I will include you and how you've made me feel.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:49:20 AM): I still want to know what fucking blog you're talking about, because last I heard you didn't like to read them.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:49:44 AM): I don't but I want my name left out of them
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:50:02 AM): Is it not my right to speak about what is affecting ME?
Dan (9/8/2008 12:50:38 AM): sure but leave ME outof it, I do not give concent
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:51:26 AM): I didn't, for a long time, because you never seemed to care. If the man that said he loved me didn't care to hear what I had to say, I didn't feel like I had anything worth saying, so I didn't share anything with anyone. However, now that I'm actually feeling SAFE to say things that affected me, feeling like I have years of shit to get out, I'm going to say things.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:51:39 AM): Did you happen to come across my blog on Blogspot or something?
Dan (9/8/2008 12:51:45 AM): nope
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:52:49 AM): Well, then what's this bitching about being mentioned in blogs when you don't read them? You say to leave you out of shit, that you don't consent, which doesn't really matter when I'm talking about MY life, but it's just funny that I recently posted one, as an exercise in closure, and I suddenly get reamed about a blog.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:55:32 AM): Hell, I was actually considering writing a book.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:56:17 AM): whatever, do what you want, leave me out of it
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:56:46 AM): It's my life, and if it's stated as fact, there's nothing that can be done about it, even if you aren't left out of it.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:57:54 AM): you do need concent to use my name
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:58:04 AM): Nope, actually, I don't
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:58:13 AM): I've already looked into the legalities of it.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:58:15 AM): yup actually you do
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:59:00 AM): As long as it's stated as fact, and it's TRUE, then anything can be said.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:59:47 AM): If it's not true, then it's defamation of character, but as long as it's true, then I can say whatever I want.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:00:03 AM): yeah but I feel your facts have alot of actual opinion in them
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:00:14 AM): And opinions are a consititutional right.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:00:53 AM): http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-defamation-of-character.htm
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:01:12 AM): There, because I knew that if you did happen to come across the blog I wrote somehow, that would come up.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:04:50 AM): For some reason, since this is such a big deal, I have a feeling you DID read a blog that I used as something for ME, which were MY private thoughts. If I had wanted to put shit all over the net, to make it accessible to people that knew both of us, I would've posted it somewhere that is frequented by people who know both of us.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:05:57 AM): whatever, think what you want
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:06:19 AM): lmao... OK, that response made NO sense.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:06:33 AM): neither do you and this conversation is over
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:06:54 AM): Typical of you.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:07:02 AM): It's OK though, I'm used to that by now.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:07:12 AM): yeah well some of us work tomorrow
Dan (9/8/2008 1:07:23 AM): and nothing is being nor ever will be solved
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:07:32 AM): Yeah, some of us do.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:08:10 AM): It's funny that you come at me, attack me for something that you're ambiguous about, then can't even let me know what you're talking about or why you're so pissed off about SOMETHING.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:08:15 AM): Did you read a blog I posted recently.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:08:17 AM): Yes or no.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:09:13 AM): no I have not read shit you have posted, I have better shit to do than hang out on the net 24/7
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:09:38 AM): LOL.. I do too, but I also have years of shit to get over, and use writing about it as an outlet.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:10:01 AM): yeah we all know how horrible I treated you
Dan (9/8/2008 1:10:13 AM): damn i was an asshole for loving you
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:10:44 AM): You never really loved me anyway.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:10:59 AM): whatever makes you sleep better at night
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:12:12 AM): I know who I am now, I know what I want. I am sorry that things went the way they did. We really weren't meant to be together, really, and being divorced twice sucks... but, just because you're pissed off about something, don't once again devalue what we were.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:42:34 AM): you are the one that devalues what we were
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:42:46 AM): Excuse me?
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:43:16 AM): How did I devalue it? By finallly deciding that I needed to be happy?
Dan (9/8/2008 1:43:20 AM): no
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:43:22 AM): When I wasn't?
Dan (9/8/2008 1:43:27 AM): by splitting the way we did
Dan (9/8/2008 1:43:46 AM): with you dishonering me and lying to me
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:43:52 AM): The way you moved out?
Dan (9/8/2008 1:43:58 AM): long before that
Dan (9/8/2008 1:44:14 AM): and after that
Dan (9/8/2008 1:44:42 AM): childish shit like giving me your i love my husband charms, that was stupid
Dan (9/8/2008 1:45:08 AM): I still think someone had something to do with my wedding ring going missing
Dan (9/8/2008 1:45:28 AM): but all that shit with bill, that was just plain hurful
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:46:03 AM): Childish? What was kinda funny was that I'd even forgot they were on there. James saw them on there the first time he ever got in my car, but didn't do anything about it until you were gone.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:46:22 AM): you should have just pitched them
Dan (9/8/2008 1:46:54 AM): that and our marriage was not all bad, but yet you and james talk about it like it was the appocolyps
Dan (9/8/2008 1:46:59 AM): and like I am satan
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:47:07 AM): The stuff with Bill made me realize that I wasn't dead, that someone valued me for more than jsut a walking vagina, that someone enjoyed hearing stupid little details about ME and didn't care if he wasn't fucking me.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:47:42 AM): I liked to hear details about you but you always told me I was bugging you
Dan (9/8/2008 1:48:13 AM): fuck it , it is done, over with, just quit making like I was the only one that did wrong
Dan (9/8/2008 1:48:26 AM): that you have never devalued our marriage
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:48:31 AM): You did hurt me a lot. And I never said it was all bad. NEVER. If you think that's what's being said, you thought wrong, but yes, I was hurt throughout most of it. There were a lot of things that hurt that I know you didn't realize hurt me, which in and of itself says that we shouldn't have been together.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:49:30 AM): well sorry for trying to make it work for so damn long. you are forcing me into something that goes against my beliefs, I guess thats the final indignity huh
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:50:12 AM): I never said I didn't do wrong, but I also know WHY I did it.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:50:27 AM): You really think that I wanted to live my life unhappy?
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:50:34 AM): Life's too short for it.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:51:03 AM): It may be against your beliefs, but you went against mine many times as well.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:51:32 AM): yup so go forth and do whatever the fuck you want, just leave me out of it. And quit meddling in my life.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:52:04 AM): Quit meddling in your life? Where did that come from?
Dan (9/8/2008 1:52:45 AM): you never leave it alone, you try to influence the kids with negativity toward me and cheyenne and that is not cool. furthermore when shit does not pan out for you yet again, do not cry on my shoulder
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:53:05 AM): You went against my beliefs when I told you I didn't want to have sex until we were married, and you thought you had a right to it because you were horny... wasn't that forcing me to go against MY beliefs?
Dan (9/8/2008 1:53:54 AM): whatever, I have come to believe that our relationship was born of sex and that is where it stayed. I tried for something deeper but you would not take interest in my passions
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:54:06 AM): I never leave it alone? Double you-tee-eff? How didn't I not leave it alone? Please explain that, becasue I don't know where that came from.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:54:47 AM): I didn't take interest in your passions? Did I not learn how to build computers? I could do it now, should I choose to. You think I never heard what you were saying, but it's amazing how much I listened to.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:55:09 AM): I hear shit that you say to or around the kids about me and cheyenne all the time
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:55:13 AM): I tried for something deeper. I tried to include you in things that were going on in my life, with me, but you didn't hear, you didn't choose to hear.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:55:37 AM): Like what? That I don't like her? That was clarified this afternoon.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:55:49 AM): That Calli would kill her for a Dilly Bar? She says the same thing about you.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:55:53 AM): I don't believe you, I think it is something more
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:56:24 AM): I ask them if they like her, yes, because I personally couldn't be with someone that the kid's didn't like, so that's important to me.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:56:35 AM): Alexis can't stand her, and she came to that conclusion on her own.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:56:53 AM): wow that makes alexis a liar
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:56:57 AM): She said that Cheyenne told her that if she got her foot bumped that she would go into a coma and Alexis said that she wanted to bump her foot so bad.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:57:14 AM): she told cheyenne to her face she liked her without being prompted
Dan (9/8/2008 1:57:42 AM): but whatever, I am going to bed, just quit playing the kids.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:58:03 AM): Quit knocking them over to wait on your helpless waif.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 2:02:47 AM): You tell me I don't know people, but I don't think you realize the extent of my ability to read people. I was told by one of the best therapists in the state that I have an uncanny ability to see how people are, in brief meetings. I see things that I feel that you should know, but I know that you wouldn't listen to me about it, so I never bothered to say anything. You'd think I was saying things for other reasons. I figured it was time for you to do what you needed to do, as hard as it was, and watch you flounder, because I see it happening, very soon.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 2:03:16 AM): Don't worry, I've never been allowed to cry on your shoulder before, so trust me, I don't see it happening again at all in the future.
Dan (9/7/2008 11:32:26 PM): I really do not appreciate james sending lude text messages to us. for one we are limited on our texts, for two, that is just wrong.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:27:43 AM): Again, why do you take stuff up with me when it's not my problem? When it's not my doing? When it wasn't even him that started saying anything in the first place? Besices, wasn't it stated that it was a misfire?
Dan (9/8/2008 12:28:13 AM): not to my knowledge, that and he deleted me off mesenger
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:28:44 AM): I read the messages. It was said that it was a misfire. He didn't delete you off of messenger. He still has you.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:28:55 AM): I don't have him
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:29:03 AM): Then that means that you delted HIM.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:30:27 AM): whatever the case is he should not be texting that shit out from chloe's phone anyway. that is just wrong
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:31:45 AM): Chloe's phone is the one with the text plan until the next cycle when we're getting a family texting plan. All messages are deleted before she gets the phone back. Besides, Chloe has lost her phone for the week due to not doing her chores.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:32:57 AM): ok now I have your freinds giving me hell about it, nice
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:33:05 AM): Umm... why did you just deny knowing anything about the cell phone texts?
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:33:19 AM): Who the fuck are you talking about?
Dan (9/8/2008 12:33:20 AM): because I have no clue who that is
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:33:27 AM): It's James
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:33:41 AM): Probably. I mean, he jsut said you denied knowing anything about it.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:35:00 AM): I had no clue who I was talking to
Dan (9/8/2008 12:35:23 AM): and I don't just admit stuff to random people
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:36:16 AM): So you simply assume that I told random friends to talk to you? I must have one hell of a network to pull that off.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:36:37 AM): yeah well, wouldn't be the first time
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:36:47 AM): What the hell are you talking about?
Dan (9/8/2008 12:37:39 AM): you have spread our business all over the net
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:38:00 AM): How have I spread our business all over the net?
Dan (9/8/2008 12:38:07 AM): blogs for one
Dan (9/8/2008 12:38:22 AM): for two, you have talked about our shit with others on the net
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:38:39 AM): I have very rarely blogged about us, and usually when I blogged about what was going on in my life, it didn't include you.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:38:59 AM): And in response to your second one, I talk to friends who are genuinely concerned about what's going on in my life.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:39:16 AM): That's not spreading stuff all over the net. It's doing the same thing that you were doing, for a long ass time.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:39:28 AM): and than I catch shit from random people
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:39:47 AM): Who are you catching random shit from? I haven't told any one to say anthing to you
Dan (9/8/2008 12:40:00 AM): no but it has happened in the past
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:40:47 AM): When have I told anyone to say anything to you? Gawd, I know you think highly of me, but I didn't know you thought I had that much pull.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:41:01 AM): hell I still think you had something to do with me getting bombarded by text messages
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:42:42 AM): So that's why James was responding to one that the phone got? He thought the one that came through from your phone was one at first.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:43:21 AM): I have no clue what you are talking about
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:44:27 AM): The message that you said was a lewd one, was supposed to be in response to a random text that actually HAD a phone number on it, but it was sent to the wrong one. And it was assumed that the one that was sent from Cheyenne was at first another stupid text. Just because you don't have the phone anymore doesn't mean the texts have stopped,.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:46:11 AM): And what blogs are you talking about? The only blogs that I post in places where I know a lot of people are ones about ME personally. Sometimes minor details, but that's because they're affecting ME.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:46:34 AM): it is always about you huh
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:47:05 AM): Um... when it's information that I feel that I need to share, yeah, it's about me.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:47:23 AM): well from no on, leave ME out of it
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:47:50 AM): If it's YOU affecting something about ME, and it's a fact stated, then yes, I will include you and how you've made me feel.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:49:20 AM): I still want to know what fucking blog you're talking about, because last I heard you didn't like to read them.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:49:44 AM): I don't but I want my name left out of them
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:50:02 AM): Is it not my right to speak about what is affecting ME?
Dan (9/8/2008 12:50:38 AM): sure but leave ME outof it, I do not give concent
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:51:26 AM): I didn't, for a long time, because you never seemed to care. If the man that said he loved me didn't care to hear what I had to say, I didn't feel like I had anything worth saying, so I didn't share anything with anyone. However, now that I'm actually feeling SAFE to say things that affected me, feeling like I have years of shit to get out, I'm going to say things.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:51:39 AM): Did you happen to come across my blog on Blogspot or something?
Dan (9/8/2008 12:51:45 AM): nope
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:52:49 AM): Well, then what's this bitching about being mentioned in blogs when you don't read them? You say to leave you out of shit, that you don't consent, which doesn't really matter when I'm talking about MY life, but it's just funny that I recently posted one, as an exercise in closure, and I suddenly get reamed about a blog.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:55:32 AM): Hell, I was actually considering writing a book.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:56:17 AM): whatever, do what you want, leave me out of it
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:56:46 AM): It's my life, and if it's stated as fact, there's nothing that can be done about it, even if you aren't left out of it.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:57:54 AM): you do need concent to use my name
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:58:04 AM): Nope, actually, I don't
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:58:13 AM): I've already looked into the legalities of it.
Dan (9/8/2008 12:58:15 AM): yup actually you do
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:59:00 AM): As long as it's stated as fact, and it's TRUE, then anything can be said.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 12:59:47 AM): If it's not true, then it's defamation of character, but as long as it's true, then I can say whatever I want.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:00:03 AM): yeah but I feel your facts have alot of actual opinion in them
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:00:14 AM): And opinions are a consititutional right.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:00:53 AM): http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-defamation-of-character.htm
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:01:12 AM): There, because I knew that if you did happen to come across the blog I wrote somehow, that would come up.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:04:50 AM): For some reason, since this is such a big deal, I have a feeling you DID read a blog that I used as something for ME, which were MY private thoughts. If I had wanted to put shit all over the net, to make it accessible to people that knew both of us, I would've posted it somewhere that is frequented by people who know both of us.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:05:57 AM): whatever, think what you want
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:06:19 AM): lmao... OK, that response made NO sense.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:06:33 AM): neither do you and this conversation is over
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:06:54 AM): Typical of you.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:07:02 AM): It's OK though, I'm used to that by now.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:07:12 AM): yeah well some of us work tomorrow
Dan (9/8/2008 1:07:23 AM): and nothing is being nor ever will be solved
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:07:32 AM): Yeah, some of us do.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:08:10 AM): It's funny that you come at me, attack me for something that you're ambiguous about, then can't even let me know what you're talking about or why you're so pissed off about SOMETHING.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:08:15 AM): Did you read a blog I posted recently.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:08:17 AM): Yes or no.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:09:13 AM): no I have not read shit you have posted, I have better shit to do than hang out on the net 24/7
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:09:38 AM): LOL.. I do too, but I also have years of shit to get over, and use writing about it as an outlet.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:10:01 AM): yeah we all know how horrible I treated you
Dan (9/8/2008 1:10:13 AM): damn i was an asshole for loving you
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:10:44 AM): You never really loved me anyway.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:10:59 AM): whatever makes you sleep better at night
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:12:12 AM): I know who I am now, I know what I want. I am sorry that things went the way they did. We really weren't meant to be together, really, and being divorced twice sucks... but, just because you're pissed off about something, don't once again devalue what we were.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:42:34 AM): you are the one that devalues what we were
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:42:46 AM): Excuse me?
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:43:16 AM): How did I devalue it? By finallly deciding that I needed to be happy?
Dan (9/8/2008 1:43:20 AM): no
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:43:22 AM): When I wasn't?
Dan (9/8/2008 1:43:27 AM): by splitting the way we did
Dan (9/8/2008 1:43:46 AM): with you dishonering me and lying to me
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:43:52 AM): The way you moved out?
Dan (9/8/2008 1:43:58 AM): long before that
Dan (9/8/2008 1:44:14 AM): and after that
Dan (9/8/2008 1:44:42 AM): childish shit like giving me your i love my husband charms, that was stupid
Dan (9/8/2008 1:45:08 AM): I still think someone had something to do with my wedding ring going missing
Dan (9/8/2008 1:45:28 AM): but all that shit with bill, that was just plain hurful
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:46:03 AM): Childish? What was kinda funny was that I'd even forgot they were on there. James saw them on there the first time he ever got in my car, but didn't do anything about it until you were gone.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:46:22 AM): you should have just pitched them
Dan (9/8/2008 1:46:54 AM): that and our marriage was not all bad, but yet you and james talk about it like it was the appocolyps
Dan (9/8/2008 1:46:59 AM): and like I am satan
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:47:07 AM): The stuff with Bill made me realize that I wasn't dead, that someone valued me for more than jsut a walking vagina, that someone enjoyed hearing stupid little details about ME and didn't care if he wasn't fucking me.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:47:42 AM): I liked to hear details about you but you always told me I was bugging you
Dan (9/8/2008 1:48:13 AM): fuck it , it is done, over with, just quit making like I was the only one that did wrong
Dan (9/8/2008 1:48:26 AM): that you have never devalued our marriage
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:48:31 AM): You did hurt me a lot. And I never said it was all bad. NEVER. If you think that's what's being said, you thought wrong, but yes, I was hurt throughout most of it. There were a lot of things that hurt that I know you didn't realize hurt me, which in and of itself says that we shouldn't have been together.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:49:30 AM): well sorry for trying to make it work for so damn long. you are forcing me into something that goes against my beliefs, I guess thats the final indignity huh
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:50:12 AM): I never said I didn't do wrong, but I also know WHY I did it.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:50:27 AM): You really think that I wanted to live my life unhappy?
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:50:34 AM): Life's too short for it.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:51:03 AM): It may be against your beliefs, but you went against mine many times as well.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:51:32 AM): yup so go forth and do whatever the fuck you want, just leave me out of it. And quit meddling in my life.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:52:04 AM): Quit meddling in your life? Where did that come from?
Dan (9/8/2008 1:52:45 AM): you never leave it alone, you try to influence the kids with negativity toward me and cheyenne and that is not cool. furthermore when shit does not pan out for you yet again, do not cry on my shoulder
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:53:05 AM): You went against my beliefs when I told you I didn't want to have sex until we were married, and you thought you had a right to it because you were horny... wasn't that forcing me to go against MY beliefs?
Dan (9/8/2008 1:53:54 AM): whatever, I have come to believe that our relationship was born of sex and that is where it stayed. I tried for something deeper but you would not take interest in my passions
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:54:06 AM): I never leave it alone? Double you-tee-eff? How didn't I not leave it alone? Please explain that, becasue I don't know where that came from.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:54:47 AM): I didn't take interest in your passions? Did I not learn how to build computers? I could do it now, should I choose to. You think I never heard what you were saying, but it's amazing how much I listened to.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:55:09 AM): I hear shit that you say to or around the kids about me and cheyenne all the time
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:55:13 AM): I tried for something deeper. I tried to include you in things that were going on in my life, with me, but you didn't hear, you didn't choose to hear.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:55:37 AM): Like what? That I don't like her? That was clarified this afternoon.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:55:49 AM): That Calli would kill her for a Dilly Bar? She says the same thing about you.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:55:53 AM): I don't believe you, I think it is something more
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:56:24 AM): I ask them if they like her, yes, because I personally couldn't be with someone that the kid's didn't like, so that's important to me.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:56:35 AM): Alexis can't stand her, and she came to that conclusion on her own.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:56:53 AM): wow that makes alexis a liar
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:56:57 AM): She said that Cheyenne told her that if she got her foot bumped that she would go into a coma and Alexis said that she wanted to bump her foot so bad.
Dan (9/8/2008 1:57:14 AM): she told cheyenne to her face she liked her without being prompted
Dan (9/8/2008 1:57:42 AM): but whatever, I am going to bed, just quit playing the kids.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 1:58:03 AM): Quit knocking them over to wait on your helpless waif.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 2:02:47 AM): You tell me I don't know people, but I don't think you realize the extent of my ability to read people. I was told by one of the best therapists in the state that I have an uncanny ability to see how people are, in brief meetings. I see things that I feel that you should know, but I know that you wouldn't listen to me about it, so I never bothered to say anything. You'd think I was saying things for other reasons. I figured it was time for you to do what you needed to do, as hard as it was, and watch you flounder, because I see it happening, very soon.
Kara Peregrine (9/8/2008 2:03:16 AM): Don't worry, I've never been allowed to cry on your shoulder before, so trust me, I don't see it happening again at all in the future.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Family Reunion
Today is the Emmons family reunion. I would love to go, but I'm working a double today and I can't. I'm kind of disappointed because I wanted to go and was hoping that the theater would be closed for the season by now, but I need the job and need the management promotion that comes with it once I move over to the indoor, so here I am.
It's been awhile since I've gone to family things like that. It was always a fight when we got home because we stayed too long, or because Dan was bored, or because there were so many other things that he would rather have been doing, that it just wasn't worth the fight. If we did go, and take the kids, I was pretty much responsible for them on my own, which was frustrating, to say the least.
Anyway, I just wanted to express my disappointment at not being able to go to the reunion and hopefully I get to participate in more family things in the not too distant future.
It's been awhile since I've gone to family things like that. It was always a fight when we got home because we stayed too long, or because Dan was bored, or because there were so many other things that he would rather have been doing, that it just wasn't worth the fight. If we did go, and take the kids, I was pretty much responsible for them on my own, which was frustrating, to say the least.
Anyway, I just wanted to express my disappointment at not being able to go to the reunion and hopefully I get to participate in more family things in the not too distant future.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
An Exercise In Closure
I'm a fairly private person. I'm not one to sit and tell much about things that are going on in my life to really anybody, but for some people like me, when a major event happens in their lives, this is the easiest way to deal with things, write them down.
I'm not writing this for any other reason than to help myself see things as they really were, as well as to possibly let people see that the Dan that they saw, was not the "real" Dan, but I want people to have their own opinions of him.
I know that people are questioning my decisions. I know that it might be hard for some people to understand, but please know that while another failed marriage does hurt, I'm going to be OK.
I'm really not sure where to start, so I guess I'll just start at the beginning.
So, there I was, living in my own little tiny apartment with my beautiful daughter. I was 24, almost divorced, and my life revolved around Alexis, who was one. I had just started working with the Developmentally Disabled population, and was finding that I was enjoying what I was doing. I was paying all my bills on my own, was learning to stand on my own two feet, and feeling pretty good about it.
Life was good.
I had a few friends that I had kept in touch with, had a couple of the obligatory rebound relationships, and really wasn't looking for anything else. I did realize though, with most of my friends living at least 20 minutes away, that it would be nice to make some new friends that actually lived closer. I was only looking for people to hang out with, but really didn't have the time, or motivation to go out and make new friends in the little bit of time that I did have free. I was working double shifts most weekends when I didn't have my daughter, so that left very little time for me to do much else.
I browsed through the ads on Yahoo Personals, just sending quick comments to people in the area that were close to my age, stating that I was almost divorced, and that I had moved back to the area after living in Goshen for several years, and that I was just looking for people to hang out with, as the friends that I did have were not in the immediate area.
I got a couple responses, and e-mailed back and forth with a few people, but nothing ever came out of anything, which was fine with me, because I really wasn't looking for any kind of relationship whatsoever. I was too bitter from a rough marriage and divorce. I would've been content staying single for a long time.
However, Dan responded, and was pretty persistent and regular at responding to anything I sent. He suggested a phone call, and I agreed. We talked on the phone for a little bit, he asked if he could come over, and I agreed. This was back before people making real "friends" over the internet was as commonplace as it is now, so I was a little leery about letting him come to my house, but, I was also confident in my ability to take care of myself.
He came over. We just kind of talked a little bit and hung out. We ended up having sex that night. I woke up the next morning and he was still there. I got up and went to work. When I got home, he was gone. I was kind of both disappointed, and relieved. I wasn't ready to have someone in my life on a consistent basis again. On the other hand though, from the divorce, I was having issues with rejection and low self-esteem, so my first thought was that there was something wrong with me, and that I hadn't been good enough for him.
He ended up calling me that afternoon, and we spent the next night together again. I started getting a bit nervous about spending so much time with him, I mean, really, it wasn't what I wanted to do at that point in my life. I didn't WANT someone else to come into my life. I really was happy with where I was.
On the other hand, it was nice actually having adult conversation, a way to get away from diapers and babies covered in food for awhile. I did enjoy his company, and while I didn't necessarily find him physically attractive, he was OK.
He kinda turned into the booty call that never left. We just kind of "fell" into a relationship. It was OK, I never really fought it. There were a lot of things about him that I didn't particularly like, but we usually got along OK. A few weeks into the relationship, he wasn't working, and wasn't able to contribute to the rent where he was living, with his best friend Dwayne. Dwayne lied to him and told him that he would have to move out because his mother was moving in with him. Being the person that I am, I felt like I needed to "save" him, and, since he was at my apartment more often than he wasn't, I figured that it wasn't that big of a deal if he stayed with me or not.
I should have known that there were going to be issues from our very first fight. I was falling in love with him. I was giggly and giddy. I couldn't stop smiling or laughing. He got angry. He told me that I was "giggling like a stupid little school girl." Of course I was hurt. It was during that argument that I told him how badly the word "stupid" hurt me. It was also during that argument that I decided inwardly that I wasn't going to let him see any of my emotions, as he didn't like to see me happy, how would he like me if I expressed any other emotions to him?
So I didn't. When I did express things to him, I was often told that my feelings were invalid, or immature, or just simply wrong. I quit telling him how I felt about things until it was something that was a huge issue that I couldn't contain anymore. The little things in my life, I kept to myself, with everyone. I figured that if the person that I was with didn't want to hear about them, then nobody would. I shared very little about myself with anyone, even when they asked and seemed genuinely curious. I mean, why would anyone care what was going on in my life if the person that I was with didn't? I never knew what to say to anyone. I felt extremely uninteresting, to anyone and everyone.
Things continued. I ended up getting pregnant, but I didn't know I was pregnant. I was bleeding, and continued to bleed for several weeks. I finally went to the doctor, and he told me that he believed that I was having a miscarriage. I was to go back the following week so he could test the HGh levels in my blood. The day I went back, Dan made me a video, basically stating that no matter what, he was there for me. We hadn't been together very long when this happened... about three months or so. It turned out that I did miscarry, and Dan was incredibly supportive.
We decided at that time to just kinda go with the flow of things and see what happened then. It was a few months later that I got pregnant with Chloe. I really and truly thought that I was in love with him at that point. We got along OK, we enjoyed a lot of the same things, and we tended to get along for the most part. There was one night when we were down in Bedford after spending the night at my cousin's in Bloomington the night before. He told me that he loved me. I told him to prove it. He said "hold on" and ran out the door. He came back about half an hour later with a gas station rose. My heart melted.
We continued on with life, me pregnant with Chloe and him working various jobs. We had moved into a different apartment in September and we were actually both on the lease there. There was a lot of resentment fairly early on in the relationship. He had never had a driver's license due to an unpaid ticket in the past. I felt like I was his personal chauffeur. He really didn't ask for rides that much, because he had a bike, but there were times when I really didn't feel like driving him around, and if I didn't it ended up in a fight. I always felt like I contributed more to the relationship; financially, emotionally, physically and personally.
It was close to Valentines' Day, nearing on our first year together. I came home early from work, and caught him masturbating on web cam with another woman. I opened the door, he jumped up, and when I asked what the hell was going on, he told me. He explained that he didn't think it was wrong, that it was just like watching porn. I explained the difference. He apologized up and down, but he never really understood how badly that hurt me.
Before Chloe was born, he proposed to me. He had saved up his money and had bought me a ring. He had had it on layaway and had asked me to come into the bedroom when I got home from work. He gave me the ring then. Then he told me that if I accepted, he didn't believe in divorce, so I would be stuck with him forever. I accepted the proposal, but I was reluctant to set a date or proceed with any wedding plans. Something just didn't feel right about it, but I thought it was just because I was gunshy because of the way that my previous relationship had ended. I wasn't in any hurry to get married again, and I also didn't want to get married again just because there was going to be a child involved.
As it came closer for the time for me to deliver Chloe, Dan started talking about me signing a paper stating that I wouldn't ever go after him for child support on her. I was mortified. I couldn't believe that a man that claimed to love me, and our child to be, would even ask such a thing. He assured me that if we were to separate, that he would always make sure that the child was taken care of. I explained that I couldn't do that because things change, people change, and if he was that certain that he would make sure that she was taken care of, what was the issue with being court-ordered to pay support? That was a huge issue between us for a long time.
There were a lot of issues that were never resolved. That was how our fights went. There would be a fight, and he would walk away, or I would go and hole myself up in the bedroom to contemplate things, or one of us would have to leave for work, or for something. Then, the next interaction that would be had would be like the fight had never happened. The few times that I tried to go to him and talk to him about the issue, it would either turn into another fight with the same result, he would say that he was over it and didn't want to talk about it anymore, or he would just agree to placate me, when I knew deep down that he never really felt that way.
After Chloe was born, I was enjoying being a new parent again. While I was home on maternity leave with her, was when the terrorist attacks happened. It was that that made me start to question what I really wanted in my life, as my mortality was once again thrust into my face. I didn't make any life-altering decisions right away, I knew better than that, but I did begin contemplating making plans to proceed with the marriage.
It was also about that time in my life I felt like something was missing. I wasn't sure what it was, but I began searching for it. At first I had assumed that it was faith. I became a hard-core Christian. I studied the Bible constantly, began attending church (at least sometimes), and really, really tried to live my life like I thought I should. It was also that time that I told Dan that I didn't want to have sex again until we were married. He was hurt and upset by that decision. He also didn't understand how I could live without it for that amount of time. A date hadn't even been set yet. I told him that I felt like I couldn't ask forgiveness for something I felt was a sin when there was every intention of doing it again. I didn't want to live as a hypocrite. I stood my ground, although it was fodder for numerous fights. He eventually persuaded me into a "pledge" in the eyes of God that we were married in "soul", just not legally. Although I didn't feel right about it, I was tired of fighting about it. I went along with it. It hurt that he couldn't respect something that was that important to me. It was shortly after that that I realized that faith was not what was missing, and that I couldn't really have it if my views were not respected.
I finally decided that it was time to either set a date or end the relationship. I wasn't ready to end the relationship, so I went with the other option. I think at this point I loved him, but knew that I wasn't in love with him already, but I certainly didn't acknowledge it, even to myself. However, he was a decent guy, at least I felt he was, and I figured that I could be happy, or at least content with him, for the rest of my life. What I didn't realize at that time though, was that I was already pretty emotionally numb. Sex played a huge part in the relationship, to the point where I was consistently feeling used. I really didn't experience anything but the most superficial of emotions, unless it was anger. I didn't know how it felt to be truly happy.
Sex played such an important part that many times I was forced to do it, even when I didn't want to. My line was "Do what you want, but don't get mad if I don't do anything back." He did do what he wanted, and I usually at least feigned interest. It was the emphasis on the sexual side of things that made me NOT want to do anything much of the time. I had to be careful what I said. If I even jokingly said anything about him "getting some" it was considered a "promise" and if my mood changed or hadn't been entirely serious in the first place, there was a fight, followed by a "you promised" when, really, it hadn't been intended as such.
One night when I had gone out with my cousin, I came home incredibly drunk. He wanted sex. I was in no condition to participate in it in any way. Instead of chalking it up to one night of simply going to sleep, he threw me in a bathtub of freezing cold water in an attempt to sober me up.. again, not because he was worried for my safety, or because I had gotten upset about something and needed to calm down, but because he wanted to get laid. I remember coming to the realization that I was under water, terrified because I couldn't pull myself up and out of it. I was eventually able to sit up, but I was gasping for air, afraid, and freezing cold... and still just as drunk as I had been when he threw me in.
There were several times when he would try to start something in the bedroom and I wouldn't be in the moods. I don't know how many times I heard the phrase "are you going to fuck me or do I have to go and beat off in the bathroom again?"
I'm not saying that I never said anything that hurt him. I tended to say "if you don't like it, leave" to him a lot, when it was something that I felt strongly about. I don't know if it was a way to assert my dominance, a way to get my way, or simply because I really didn't care if he stayed or went. He asked me many times to stop saying it, and I eventually did.
Once we set a date, it was time to find a pastor. Dan's cousin, Steve, was a pastor, and we thought that it would be kind of neat to have a family member marry us. We contacted him and met with him about what the requirements would be to have him marry us. At that first meeting, he said that he couldn't and wouldn't marry us unless we agreed not to have sex from that night until after the wedding. I was willing to do this, as it had previously been something that I had felt really strongly about anyway. Dan wasn't. We left that night with Dan saying that we needed to find another pastor, because he was not going to follow those requirements. We did actually get our wish of having family marry us, as we went to my grandma's brother Jean. That is one thing that I am grateful for, as he died shortly after he married us.
Even on our wedding night there was a fight about sex. It was late, I was physically exhausted, I had just had a fight with my mom before leaving the reception site. I was not in the mood for sex. Even that night it was a huge argument. I didn't see what difference it would make if we did it that night or not. He seemed to feel like it would feel different since we were married.... to me it was just another forced sexual encounter.
I realize now that there were actually times when I could have pursued marital rape charges, had I wanted to. Instead I just allowed myself to continue to feel numb and not think about it.
Fast forward a few years. I continued to feel used. Not just sexually, but financially also. He contributed very little, and when he did work hard and contribute, he always felt entitled to things for him, even if the household finances were tight. I understood that to a point, we all want rewards and incentives for our hard work, but I also felt that I had worked hard, even worked two jobs at one point (I worked up until the weekend before Chloe was born, two jobs, and worked all day the day that she was delivered), and spent very little money on myself. Yes, there were things that I wanted, and did get for myself, I wouldn't ever deny that, but on the other hand, I wouldn't ever put the household finances in jeopardy in order to get those things.
I continued to only feel superficial feelings, or anger. Even then, I wasn't sure what I was angry about. Things were missing, or at least something was. I knew that the house was messy and disorganized. I thought maybe that was it, that I was tired of living in a messy environment, and went on a quest to change that. I became "June Cleaverish" and was constantly cleaning. The house was spotless, for quite awhile. I did two loads of laundry a day. I did dishes as I was making supper, and then immediately after supper I washed what was left. I didn't usually sit down from the time I got home from work until the time the kids went to bed. Calli was born by this time. I was physically exhausted most of the time. I rarely had time to myself. That was actually OK with me though, because as long as I was busy, I couldn't dwell on the fact that I didn't feel "right". I was able to ignore that feeling for a long time.
Sex wasn't the only thing that we fought about. Another major one was that I actually felt more like his mother than his wife. He chose not to do a lot of things for himself. He would ask me how to do things instead of easily read the same information that I had on it. In my mind, it didn't make any sense to simply recite the information that I had on it, possibly saying it wrong, when he could read it on his own. That was another big issue, he felt like I didn't "help him enough".
I had been talking about going back to school to get my MSW. Dan encouraged me to try. He was very supportive in that situation. He wanted me to go back to school. I told him that it would be tough, as the classes would be at night. He said that he would do whatever needed to happen so that I could go. I remember showing him the acceptance letter. It was actually one of the times that I can look back on right now and say that I was happy with where I was in my life at that point. I was actually happy with him. If I had to go back and pinpoint a time in my life with him where I actually felt love for him, that would be the time. Not when the children were born, not when we were married even, but at that moment.
It didn't last long though, before I started feeling like something was missing again. I began to think that it was simply that I was dissatisfied with where I was in life. It was just an overall feeling of disquiet within me that I didn't seem to be able to pinpoint the cause. I started going to classes. Part of the exercises in learning how to be a therapist was the ability to be in touch with your own feelings. I realized that I was having massive amounts of difficulty with this. I couldn't look past the feelings on the surface, which were even themselves simple feelings: blah, OK, tired, etc.
One of the projects that I had to do for school was to team up with a partner and actually practice therapy on each other. We were supposed to do six sessions, record them, and each session had different things that we were to do with them. When I wend to my partner with the problem, it was a generalized "I don't feel like I'm where I should be at this point in my life." I mean, what else could I have talked about? I certainly wasn't going to go too deep with someone that I had to see in class on a consistent basis. We talked about strategies and a game plan on how to progress to where I felt like I should be. Nothing against her therapy skills, but she couldn't get to the root of the problem, but it was when I started to.
The opportunity came up for Dan and I to buy my mom's house. I thought that maybe that was what I needed to actually start to feel accomplished in my life and to feel like I was where I needed to be. We closed on the house in March, Dan's birthday actually, and moved in in May after mom had moved across the street. I was finally a homeowner. It felt good, and things continued as "normal" for awhile. There was some resentment on my part because I always heard about all of these massive plans that Dan had for the house, but he never did any of them. I could have gone ahead and done them, but with working full-time and going to school, and wanting to have time with my kids, there wasn't much time to do them.
About a year after moving into the house, we had spent a night drinking. We were having sex in the bedroom and he did something that hurt me. I was drunk enough that I started crying instead of getting mad, and all my feelings about everything started to come out. I told him that I wasn't happy. I told him that I felt like something was missing. I told him that I didn't have that connection with him that I felt was needed in a marriage. I told him that I didn't know how to get it. I told him that I felt like I had "settled" on him because it was what I thought everyone expected me to do. It was a pretty painful conversation for me, and I'm sure it was for him as well. It felt good to get it all out though.
The next day, it wasn't really talked about, but I knew that he had remembered the conversation. I later learned that he had interpreted it as me being "bored". He suggested that we open up the relationship and do some exploring. I was hurt and shocked that even though I had told him that I didn't feel a connection to him, he wanted to do things that would even further sever any connection that existed. It was just one of the times in the relationship that I told him something that was important to me that he didn't really listen to.
We started to talk to people, online. That was his suggestion, and he actually went and sought out singles sites and other social networking sites to meet people on. I tended to find people who were far away. I talked to a guy in Idaho for awhile, and then one in Canada. I actually felt a connection with the guy in Canada and started to have feelings for him. It wasn't ever really talked about in the sense of a relationship, because of the distance and the infeasibility of anything ever really coming out of that relationship, but it let me know that those feelings weren't dead, that I could have those feelings for someone. Dan began to resent the guy, and resented me for talking to him. He was having his own fun though too, forging relationships with local women and going to meet them. Yes, that hurt, a LOT. I can't deny that, but even now I'm not sure why. Was it because I felt like I was being replaced? Was it because I didn't want him to do the same to me? I don't know. I realize now that the reason that I tended to talk to people who were at a distance was because of how important sex was in our marriage. If the person was far away, it couldn't be a sexual relationship, it would be a relationship based on actual communication and that emotional connection. I never "hooked up" with anyone locally, although I was urged to. I think that was to ease his own guilt of having done the same. While all this was going on, he continually urged me to get drunk so that I would have lower resistance and sleep with him too.
Things were back and forth with he and I for awhile. I myself was confused as to what I wanted, him clinging onto the possibility of us working out. I can honestly say that had he actually started listening to me when I told him why I was unhappy, things may have turned out differently. However, his typical thing was to only really hear what I was saying when his thoughts agreed with mine. He called himself open-minded, but, if it was something he didn't want to hear, he couldn't process it, or something.
He continued to hurt me. I am now permanently partially blind in my left eye because he shot me in it with an airsoft gun. He has apologized for it, but simply can't understand why it still bothers me. He doesn't experience the constant headaches, the fear while driving, the sadness that I experience when I have to move something that I'm reading to see the rest of it. He was worried about being charged with domestic abuse if I had gone to the ER, and instead of considering that I was seriously injured, had sex with his latest fling, who he led to believe that he wanted a relationship with, but then quit talking to her as soon as someone else came along.
He devalued everything that we ever were when he wanted to give his wedding ring to a new girlfriend to prove to her father that his marriage was over, he disrespected me by getting oral sex from an ex-girlfriend in MY car, he referred to me as "the person who he was fucking".
He continued to use me up until a couple of weeks ago when I said that I was no longer going to pay for his personal cell phone or pay his car insurance. Household bills neded to be paid anyway, so I wasn't even really complaining about those as much. However, when I told him that those bills were no longer being paid for by me, and I took the phone and took him off the car insurance, he moved out the very next day. He sold one of his guitars to get the money to pay for his insurance, and blamed me for that. He still has his other guitar and said in front of the kids "I would have rather smash her face in with it than sell it".
He fought for joint custody. He let it slip that one of the reasons he wanted joint physical custody was because he didn't want to pay support. Once he realized that there would be some support involved even if we split time with the kids 50/50, he didn't fight so hard for them.
I try not to feel bitter. I try to feel like I'm worth more than to use for sexual pleasure. He said he missed the passion, but I desired a connection that can't be gotten through sexual acts. He never understood that, no mater how many times I tried to tell him what I really needed from him.
I'm with someone now who has often said "If the only thing that comes out of this is the ability for you to feel again, then I have accomplished at least something". Yes, I cry more now, but crying is no longer ridiculed. I don't feel like I have to have super-human strength through everything. I know that crying isn't a weakness, but an outward expression of human emotion. Fights can turn into screaming matches, but issues are always resolved, even if it takes days, and several periods of calming down and arguing again. I'm not told I can't yell if I feel like I need to. If I'm angry, I yell... until I get it all out and then things can start to be resolved.
I may cry more, but I also laugh more. I hug more. People closest to me have noticed me seeming to "come out of my shell" some. I actually feel valued as a human being, not someone's sex toy, or someone's mother, but as a human. I'm allowed to be me. It sounds kind of scary, because I really didn't like myself all that much for a long time, but I'm beginning to realize that I'm not that bad of a person.
Some people might even say I'm amazing.
I'm not writing this for any other reason than to help myself see things as they really were, as well as to possibly let people see that the Dan that they saw, was not the "real" Dan, but I want people to have their own opinions of him.
I know that people are questioning my decisions. I know that it might be hard for some people to understand, but please know that while another failed marriage does hurt, I'm going to be OK.
I'm really not sure where to start, so I guess I'll just start at the beginning.
So, there I was, living in my own little tiny apartment with my beautiful daughter. I was 24, almost divorced, and my life revolved around Alexis, who was one. I had just started working with the Developmentally Disabled population, and was finding that I was enjoying what I was doing. I was paying all my bills on my own, was learning to stand on my own two feet, and feeling pretty good about it.
Life was good.
I had a few friends that I had kept in touch with, had a couple of the obligatory rebound relationships, and really wasn't looking for anything else. I did realize though, with most of my friends living at least 20 minutes away, that it would be nice to make some new friends that actually lived closer. I was only looking for people to hang out with, but really didn't have the time, or motivation to go out and make new friends in the little bit of time that I did have free. I was working double shifts most weekends when I didn't have my daughter, so that left very little time for me to do much else.
I browsed through the ads on Yahoo Personals, just sending quick comments to people in the area that were close to my age, stating that I was almost divorced, and that I had moved back to the area after living in Goshen for several years, and that I was just looking for people to hang out with, as the friends that I did have were not in the immediate area.
I got a couple responses, and e-mailed back and forth with a few people, but nothing ever came out of anything, which was fine with me, because I really wasn't looking for any kind of relationship whatsoever. I was too bitter from a rough marriage and divorce. I would've been content staying single for a long time.
However, Dan responded, and was pretty persistent and regular at responding to anything I sent. He suggested a phone call, and I agreed. We talked on the phone for a little bit, he asked if he could come over, and I agreed. This was back before people making real "friends" over the internet was as commonplace as it is now, so I was a little leery about letting him come to my house, but, I was also confident in my ability to take care of myself.
He came over. We just kind of talked a little bit and hung out. We ended up having sex that night. I woke up the next morning and he was still there. I got up and went to work. When I got home, he was gone. I was kind of both disappointed, and relieved. I wasn't ready to have someone in my life on a consistent basis again. On the other hand though, from the divorce, I was having issues with rejection and low self-esteem, so my first thought was that there was something wrong with me, and that I hadn't been good enough for him.
He ended up calling me that afternoon, and we spent the next night together again. I started getting a bit nervous about spending so much time with him, I mean, really, it wasn't what I wanted to do at that point in my life. I didn't WANT someone else to come into my life. I really was happy with where I was.
On the other hand, it was nice actually having adult conversation, a way to get away from diapers and babies covered in food for awhile. I did enjoy his company, and while I didn't necessarily find him physically attractive, he was OK.
He kinda turned into the booty call that never left. We just kind of "fell" into a relationship. It was OK, I never really fought it. There were a lot of things about him that I didn't particularly like, but we usually got along OK. A few weeks into the relationship, he wasn't working, and wasn't able to contribute to the rent where he was living, with his best friend Dwayne. Dwayne lied to him and told him that he would have to move out because his mother was moving in with him. Being the person that I am, I felt like I needed to "save" him, and, since he was at my apartment more often than he wasn't, I figured that it wasn't that big of a deal if he stayed with me or not.
I should have known that there were going to be issues from our very first fight. I was falling in love with him. I was giggly and giddy. I couldn't stop smiling or laughing. He got angry. He told me that I was "giggling like a stupid little school girl." Of course I was hurt. It was during that argument that I told him how badly the word "stupid" hurt me. It was also during that argument that I decided inwardly that I wasn't going to let him see any of my emotions, as he didn't like to see me happy, how would he like me if I expressed any other emotions to him?
So I didn't. When I did express things to him, I was often told that my feelings were invalid, or immature, or just simply wrong. I quit telling him how I felt about things until it was something that was a huge issue that I couldn't contain anymore. The little things in my life, I kept to myself, with everyone. I figured that if the person that I was with didn't want to hear about them, then nobody would. I shared very little about myself with anyone, even when they asked and seemed genuinely curious. I mean, why would anyone care what was going on in my life if the person that I was with didn't? I never knew what to say to anyone. I felt extremely uninteresting, to anyone and everyone.
Things continued. I ended up getting pregnant, but I didn't know I was pregnant. I was bleeding, and continued to bleed for several weeks. I finally went to the doctor, and he told me that he believed that I was having a miscarriage. I was to go back the following week so he could test the HGh levels in my blood. The day I went back, Dan made me a video, basically stating that no matter what, he was there for me. We hadn't been together very long when this happened... about three months or so. It turned out that I did miscarry, and Dan was incredibly supportive.
We decided at that time to just kinda go with the flow of things and see what happened then. It was a few months later that I got pregnant with Chloe. I really and truly thought that I was in love with him at that point. We got along OK, we enjoyed a lot of the same things, and we tended to get along for the most part. There was one night when we were down in Bedford after spending the night at my cousin's in Bloomington the night before. He told me that he loved me. I told him to prove it. He said "hold on" and ran out the door. He came back about half an hour later with a gas station rose. My heart melted.
We continued on with life, me pregnant with Chloe and him working various jobs. We had moved into a different apartment in September and we were actually both on the lease there. There was a lot of resentment fairly early on in the relationship. He had never had a driver's license due to an unpaid ticket in the past. I felt like I was his personal chauffeur. He really didn't ask for rides that much, because he had a bike, but there were times when I really didn't feel like driving him around, and if I didn't it ended up in a fight. I always felt like I contributed more to the relationship; financially, emotionally, physically and personally.
It was close to Valentines' Day, nearing on our first year together. I came home early from work, and caught him masturbating on web cam with another woman. I opened the door, he jumped up, and when I asked what the hell was going on, he told me. He explained that he didn't think it was wrong, that it was just like watching porn. I explained the difference. He apologized up and down, but he never really understood how badly that hurt me.
Before Chloe was born, he proposed to me. He had saved up his money and had bought me a ring. He had had it on layaway and had asked me to come into the bedroom when I got home from work. He gave me the ring then. Then he told me that if I accepted, he didn't believe in divorce, so I would be stuck with him forever. I accepted the proposal, but I was reluctant to set a date or proceed with any wedding plans. Something just didn't feel right about it, but I thought it was just because I was gunshy because of the way that my previous relationship had ended. I wasn't in any hurry to get married again, and I also didn't want to get married again just because there was going to be a child involved.
As it came closer for the time for me to deliver Chloe, Dan started talking about me signing a paper stating that I wouldn't ever go after him for child support on her. I was mortified. I couldn't believe that a man that claimed to love me, and our child to be, would even ask such a thing. He assured me that if we were to separate, that he would always make sure that the child was taken care of. I explained that I couldn't do that because things change, people change, and if he was that certain that he would make sure that she was taken care of, what was the issue with being court-ordered to pay support? That was a huge issue between us for a long time.
There were a lot of issues that were never resolved. That was how our fights went. There would be a fight, and he would walk away, or I would go and hole myself up in the bedroom to contemplate things, or one of us would have to leave for work, or for something. Then, the next interaction that would be had would be like the fight had never happened. The few times that I tried to go to him and talk to him about the issue, it would either turn into another fight with the same result, he would say that he was over it and didn't want to talk about it anymore, or he would just agree to placate me, when I knew deep down that he never really felt that way.
After Chloe was born, I was enjoying being a new parent again. While I was home on maternity leave with her, was when the terrorist attacks happened. It was that that made me start to question what I really wanted in my life, as my mortality was once again thrust into my face. I didn't make any life-altering decisions right away, I knew better than that, but I did begin contemplating making plans to proceed with the marriage.
It was also about that time in my life I felt like something was missing. I wasn't sure what it was, but I began searching for it. At first I had assumed that it was faith. I became a hard-core Christian. I studied the Bible constantly, began attending church (at least sometimes), and really, really tried to live my life like I thought I should. It was also that time that I told Dan that I didn't want to have sex again until we were married. He was hurt and upset by that decision. He also didn't understand how I could live without it for that amount of time. A date hadn't even been set yet. I told him that I felt like I couldn't ask forgiveness for something I felt was a sin when there was every intention of doing it again. I didn't want to live as a hypocrite. I stood my ground, although it was fodder for numerous fights. He eventually persuaded me into a "pledge" in the eyes of God that we were married in "soul", just not legally. Although I didn't feel right about it, I was tired of fighting about it. I went along with it. It hurt that he couldn't respect something that was that important to me. It was shortly after that that I realized that faith was not what was missing, and that I couldn't really have it if my views were not respected.
I finally decided that it was time to either set a date or end the relationship. I wasn't ready to end the relationship, so I went with the other option. I think at this point I loved him, but knew that I wasn't in love with him already, but I certainly didn't acknowledge it, even to myself. However, he was a decent guy, at least I felt he was, and I figured that I could be happy, or at least content with him, for the rest of my life. What I didn't realize at that time though, was that I was already pretty emotionally numb. Sex played a huge part in the relationship, to the point where I was consistently feeling used. I really didn't experience anything but the most superficial of emotions, unless it was anger. I didn't know how it felt to be truly happy.
Sex played such an important part that many times I was forced to do it, even when I didn't want to. My line was "Do what you want, but don't get mad if I don't do anything back." He did do what he wanted, and I usually at least feigned interest. It was the emphasis on the sexual side of things that made me NOT want to do anything much of the time. I had to be careful what I said. If I even jokingly said anything about him "getting some" it was considered a "promise" and if my mood changed or hadn't been entirely serious in the first place, there was a fight, followed by a "you promised" when, really, it hadn't been intended as such.
One night when I had gone out with my cousin, I came home incredibly drunk. He wanted sex. I was in no condition to participate in it in any way. Instead of chalking it up to one night of simply going to sleep, he threw me in a bathtub of freezing cold water in an attempt to sober me up.. again, not because he was worried for my safety, or because I had gotten upset about something and needed to calm down, but because he wanted to get laid. I remember coming to the realization that I was under water, terrified because I couldn't pull myself up and out of it. I was eventually able to sit up, but I was gasping for air, afraid, and freezing cold... and still just as drunk as I had been when he threw me in.
There were several times when he would try to start something in the bedroom and I wouldn't be in the moods. I don't know how many times I heard the phrase "are you going to fuck me or do I have to go and beat off in the bathroom again?"
I'm not saying that I never said anything that hurt him. I tended to say "if you don't like it, leave" to him a lot, when it was something that I felt strongly about. I don't know if it was a way to assert my dominance, a way to get my way, or simply because I really didn't care if he stayed or went. He asked me many times to stop saying it, and I eventually did.
Once we set a date, it was time to find a pastor. Dan's cousin, Steve, was a pastor, and we thought that it would be kind of neat to have a family member marry us. We contacted him and met with him about what the requirements would be to have him marry us. At that first meeting, he said that he couldn't and wouldn't marry us unless we agreed not to have sex from that night until after the wedding. I was willing to do this, as it had previously been something that I had felt really strongly about anyway. Dan wasn't. We left that night with Dan saying that we needed to find another pastor, because he was not going to follow those requirements. We did actually get our wish of having family marry us, as we went to my grandma's brother Jean. That is one thing that I am grateful for, as he died shortly after he married us.
Even on our wedding night there was a fight about sex. It was late, I was physically exhausted, I had just had a fight with my mom before leaving the reception site. I was not in the mood for sex. Even that night it was a huge argument. I didn't see what difference it would make if we did it that night or not. He seemed to feel like it would feel different since we were married.... to me it was just another forced sexual encounter.
I realize now that there were actually times when I could have pursued marital rape charges, had I wanted to. Instead I just allowed myself to continue to feel numb and not think about it.
Fast forward a few years. I continued to feel used. Not just sexually, but financially also. He contributed very little, and when he did work hard and contribute, he always felt entitled to things for him, even if the household finances were tight. I understood that to a point, we all want rewards and incentives for our hard work, but I also felt that I had worked hard, even worked two jobs at one point (I worked up until the weekend before Chloe was born, two jobs, and worked all day the day that she was delivered), and spent very little money on myself. Yes, there were things that I wanted, and did get for myself, I wouldn't ever deny that, but on the other hand, I wouldn't ever put the household finances in jeopardy in order to get those things.
I continued to only feel superficial feelings, or anger. Even then, I wasn't sure what I was angry about. Things were missing, or at least something was. I knew that the house was messy and disorganized. I thought maybe that was it, that I was tired of living in a messy environment, and went on a quest to change that. I became "June Cleaverish" and was constantly cleaning. The house was spotless, for quite awhile. I did two loads of laundry a day. I did dishes as I was making supper, and then immediately after supper I washed what was left. I didn't usually sit down from the time I got home from work until the time the kids went to bed. Calli was born by this time. I was physically exhausted most of the time. I rarely had time to myself. That was actually OK with me though, because as long as I was busy, I couldn't dwell on the fact that I didn't feel "right". I was able to ignore that feeling for a long time.
Sex wasn't the only thing that we fought about. Another major one was that I actually felt more like his mother than his wife. He chose not to do a lot of things for himself. He would ask me how to do things instead of easily read the same information that I had on it. In my mind, it didn't make any sense to simply recite the information that I had on it, possibly saying it wrong, when he could read it on his own. That was another big issue, he felt like I didn't "help him enough".
I had been talking about going back to school to get my MSW. Dan encouraged me to try. He was very supportive in that situation. He wanted me to go back to school. I told him that it would be tough, as the classes would be at night. He said that he would do whatever needed to happen so that I could go. I remember showing him the acceptance letter. It was actually one of the times that I can look back on right now and say that I was happy with where I was in my life at that point. I was actually happy with him. If I had to go back and pinpoint a time in my life with him where I actually felt love for him, that would be the time. Not when the children were born, not when we were married even, but at that moment.
It didn't last long though, before I started feeling like something was missing again. I began to think that it was simply that I was dissatisfied with where I was in life. It was just an overall feeling of disquiet within me that I didn't seem to be able to pinpoint the cause. I started going to classes. Part of the exercises in learning how to be a therapist was the ability to be in touch with your own feelings. I realized that I was having massive amounts of difficulty with this. I couldn't look past the feelings on the surface, which were even themselves simple feelings: blah, OK, tired, etc.
One of the projects that I had to do for school was to team up with a partner and actually practice therapy on each other. We were supposed to do six sessions, record them, and each session had different things that we were to do with them. When I wend to my partner with the problem, it was a generalized "I don't feel like I'm where I should be at this point in my life." I mean, what else could I have talked about? I certainly wasn't going to go too deep with someone that I had to see in class on a consistent basis. We talked about strategies and a game plan on how to progress to where I felt like I should be. Nothing against her therapy skills, but she couldn't get to the root of the problem, but it was when I started to.
The opportunity came up for Dan and I to buy my mom's house. I thought that maybe that was what I needed to actually start to feel accomplished in my life and to feel like I was where I needed to be. We closed on the house in March, Dan's birthday actually, and moved in in May after mom had moved across the street. I was finally a homeowner. It felt good, and things continued as "normal" for awhile. There was some resentment on my part because I always heard about all of these massive plans that Dan had for the house, but he never did any of them. I could have gone ahead and done them, but with working full-time and going to school, and wanting to have time with my kids, there wasn't much time to do them.
About a year after moving into the house, we had spent a night drinking. We were having sex in the bedroom and he did something that hurt me. I was drunk enough that I started crying instead of getting mad, and all my feelings about everything started to come out. I told him that I wasn't happy. I told him that I felt like something was missing. I told him that I didn't have that connection with him that I felt was needed in a marriage. I told him that I didn't know how to get it. I told him that I felt like I had "settled" on him because it was what I thought everyone expected me to do. It was a pretty painful conversation for me, and I'm sure it was for him as well. It felt good to get it all out though.
The next day, it wasn't really talked about, but I knew that he had remembered the conversation. I later learned that he had interpreted it as me being "bored". He suggested that we open up the relationship and do some exploring. I was hurt and shocked that even though I had told him that I didn't feel a connection to him, he wanted to do things that would even further sever any connection that existed. It was just one of the times in the relationship that I told him something that was important to me that he didn't really listen to.
We started to talk to people, online. That was his suggestion, and he actually went and sought out singles sites and other social networking sites to meet people on. I tended to find people who were far away. I talked to a guy in Idaho for awhile, and then one in Canada. I actually felt a connection with the guy in Canada and started to have feelings for him. It wasn't ever really talked about in the sense of a relationship, because of the distance and the infeasibility of anything ever really coming out of that relationship, but it let me know that those feelings weren't dead, that I could have those feelings for someone. Dan began to resent the guy, and resented me for talking to him. He was having his own fun though too, forging relationships with local women and going to meet them. Yes, that hurt, a LOT. I can't deny that, but even now I'm not sure why. Was it because I felt like I was being replaced? Was it because I didn't want him to do the same to me? I don't know. I realize now that the reason that I tended to talk to people who were at a distance was because of how important sex was in our marriage. If the person was far away, it couldn't be a sexual relationship, it would be a relationship based on actual communication and that emotional connection. I never "hooked up" with anyone locally, although I was urged to. I think that was to ease his own guilt of having done the same. While all this was going on, he continually urged me to get drunk so that I would have lower resistance and sleep with him too.
Things were back and forth with he and I for awhile. I myself was confused as to what I wanted, him clinging onto the possibility of us working out. I can honestly say that had he actually started listening to me when I told him why I was unhappy, things may have turned out differently. However, his typical thing was to only really hear what I was saying when his thoughts agreed with mine. He called himself open-minded, but, if it was something he didn't want to hear, he couldn't process it, or something.
He continued to hurt me. I am now permanently partially blind in my left eye because he shot me in it with an airsoft gun. He has apologized for it, but simply can't understand why it still bothers me. He doesn't experience the constant headaches, the fear while driving, the sadness that I experience when I have to move something that I'm reading to see the rest of it. He was worried about being charged with domestic abuse if I had gone to the ER, and instead of considering that I was seriously injured, had sex with his latest fling, who he led to believe that he wanted a relationship with, but then quit talking to her as soon as someone else came along.
He devalued everything that we ever were when he wanted to give his wedding ring to a new girlfriend to prove to her father that his marriage was over, he disrespected me by getting oral sex from an ex-girlfriend in MY car, he referred to me as "the person who he was fucking".
He continued to use me up until a couple of weeks ago when I said that I was no longer going to pay for his personal cell phone or pay his car insurance. Household bills neded to be paid anyway, so I wasn't even really complaining about those as much. However, when I told him that those bills were no longer being paid for by me, and I took the phone and took him off the car insurance, he moved out the very next day. He sold one of his guitars to get the money to pay for his insurance, and blamed me for that. He still has his other guitar and said in front of the kids "I would have rather smash her face in with it than sell it".
He fought for joint custody. He let it slip that one of the reasons he wanted joint physical custody was because he didn't want to pay support. Once he realized that there would be some support involved even if we split time with the kids 50/50, he didn't fight so hard for them.
I try not to feel bitter. I try to feel like I'm worth more than to use for sexual pleasure. He said he missed the passion, but I desired a connection that can't be gotten through sexual acts. He never understood that, no mater how many times I tried to tell him what I really needed from him.
I'm with someone now who has often said "If the only thing that comes out of this is the ability for you to feel again, then I have accomplished at least something". Yes, I cry more now, but crying is no longer ridiculed. I don't feel like I have to have super-human strength through everything. I know that crying isn't a weakness, but an outward expression of human emotion. Fights can turn into screaming matches, but issues are always resolved, even if it takes days, and several periods of calming down and arguing again. I'm not told I can't yell if I feel like I need to. If I'm angry, I yell... until I get it all out and then things can start to be resolved.
I may cry more, but I also laugh more. I hug more. People closest to me have noticed me seeming to "come out of my shell" some. I actually feel valued as a human being, not someone's sex toy, or someone's mother, but as a human. I'm allowed to be me. It sounds kind of scary, because I really didn't like myself all that much for a long time, but I'm beginning to realize that I'm not that bad of a person.
Some people might even say I'm amazing.
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